Don't ask anything of a bereaved person other then what you might be able to do to help. Don't put time limits on grief and say things like, “Time heals all” or “Life goes on.”
What to Say (and Not Say) to Comfort Someone Who’s Lost a Loved One
18 related questions found
What is a nice sympathy message?
“Sharing in your sadness as you remember your lost loved one.” “Wishing you strength and comfort through this difficult time.” “Thinking of you and wishing you moments of peace and comfort.” “I hope you know I'm here for you during this time of sorrow.”
Refer to the deceased by name. Encourage the family to plan a wake, funeral and burial (even if cremated), if you are in an appropriate position to do so. Send flowers with a note (see suggestions for notes below) or offer a donation to a charity or an appropriate research organization. Acknowledge the deceased's life.
What you need to do straight away after a death. As soon as you can, you'll need to get a medical certificate, register the death and arrange the funeral.
Don't be afraid to ask questions as it allows your friend to talk about their loved one openly. If you're not sure what to ask or how, some grief discussion questions can help guide the way. Check in on your friend's self-care, such as how they are sleeping and if they are getting enough to eat.
That's why the most common phrases people reach for in these moments tend to be well intentioned but also robotic and distancing. “I'm sorry for your loss” or “my condolences” may be pre-printed on greeting cards, but they lack the authenticity of the relationship you have with the person who is grieving.
Is it ever too late to express your sympathy to someone who has suffered a loss? If you're trying to follow proper etiquette, it's best to send a note, gift or flowers within two weeks of the funeral. However, you can do it later, as long as you feel it would be helpful rather than painful.
Is it rude not to respond to a condolence message?
A good ending to any expression of condolences is to let them know you respect their privacy and understand if they need space. Tell them you don't expect a quick response or even a response at all. Everyone processes grief differently, and responding to condolence messages may be too much for them.
Provided you have given it some thought and haven't overlooked any important factor about skipping a funeral, then most people will be respectful of your wishes to not attend. But you can expect some pushback from friends and family who don't agree with your decision.
If your mum or dad feels up to it, you could sit down and talk about their favourite memories and look back over their life. You could also ask them to tell you about their thoughts and dreams for you and your future.
