Victims often develop strong, confusing emotional ties to abusers due to psychological survival mechanisms like trauma bonding, a cycle of abuse and affection that creates attachment, Stockholm Syndrome (feeling empathy for captors), dependency (financial, emotional isolation), and hope to "fix" the abuser, all driven by the brain's fight/flight/freeze response to trauma rather than rational love. These bonds make leaving incredibly difficult as the abuser provides intermittent kindness, creating loyalty and fear, notes the National Domestic Violence Hotline.
While it is true that abuse is never okay or justifiable, it is possible to forgive abuse. With all of that said, a survivor is not going to be in a place to forgive abuse if they are still in danger.
There are several studies that suggest that chronic trauma can lead to the change of psychological personality traits such as increased aggression, depression, distrust, alienation, tendency to withdrawal and isolation, impaired self-protection, and poor social integration (23, 24).
The 7 stages of trauma bonding, a cycle keeping victims attached to abusers, typically progress from intense idealization (love bombing) to creating dependency, then criticism and devaluation, followed by manipulation (gaslighting), leading to the victim's resignation, loss of self, and finally, emotional addiction to the unpredictable cycle of abuse and intermittent kindness, making it hard to leave.
Individuals who habitually indulge in self-victimisation (also known as playing the victim) do so for various reasons: to control or influence other people's thoughts, feelings and actions; to justify their abuse of others; to seek attention; or, as a way of coping with situations.
In addition, the feeling or desire to be recognized as a victim may also be a symptom of other mental health disorders, such as:
There are four different levels of victimization: direct, or primary (the sufferer of the attack or assault in question), indirect (people close to the primary victim), secondary (witnesses to the criminal act, an experience which can elicit traumas of its own in secondary victims), and tertiary (people and communities ...
Characteristics of a Trauma Bond Relationship
These relationships are rarely simple, which can make them difficult to end. In the case of trauma-bonded relationships, breaking a trauma bond can be a long and involved process. However, with the right help from a mental health professional, it's entirely possible to do so.
The Cycle of Abuse in Trauma Bonding
This unpredictable cycle creates a neurochemical response in the brain, releasing dopamine during the good times and the stress hormone cortisol during the bad.
5 Childhood Trauma Personalities
Unhealed trauma often appears as chronic people-pleasing, relationship struggles, anxiety, self-destructive coping, or persistent shame and emptiness. Trauma rewires the hippocampus, amygdala, and prefrontal cortex, affecting memory, emotion regulation, decision-making, and social interactions.
Examples of Narcissistic Abuse
Withholding: People who are narcissists may withhold money, affection, or even communication in an attempt to punish their abuse victims. The silent treatment is a frequently-seen form of withholding. Emotional blackmail: In a toxic relationship, your own emotions can be used against you.
Toxic forgiveness occurs when an individual pardons another person prematurely or under duress, often without genuine resolution of the underlying issues. This form of forgiveness can stem from societal pressures, internalized guilt, or a desire to maintain peace at the cost of one's well-being.
There are situations when it's OK not to forgive someone. Here are just a few examples: You're still feeling the effects of their actions or experiencing PTSD because of how you were treated (particularly for childhood abuse).
The grief that comes with losing an abusive person is complex. It is normal to feel a range of emotions and feelings when an abusive person passes. Relief, sadness, and even guilt are common, but some survivors experience other emotions—all are normal.
The 7 stages of trauma bonding, a cycle keeping victims attached to abusers, typically progress from intense idealization (love bombing) to creating dependency, then criticism and devaluation, followed by manipulation (gaslighting), leading to the victim's resignation, loss of self, and finally, emotional addiction to the unpredictable cycle of abuse and intermittent kindness, making it hard to leave.
The "72-hour rule" after a breakup generally means implementing a period of no contact for at least three days (72 hours) to allow intense emotions to subside, enabling clearer thinking and a less impulsive reaction, whether that's reaching out or making big decisions. This time helps move you from shock into processing, calming the brain's emergency response, and setting a healthier foundation for recovery and deciding next steps, preventing you from acting solely from heartbreak.
Can A Trauma Bond Become True Love? Trauma bonds do not end in true love. Many people who are in a trauma bond have hopes that it will end up in true love.
But it does provide some rough guidelines as to how soon may be too soon to make long-term commitments and how long may be too long to stick with a relationship. Each of the three numbers—three, six, and nine—stands for the month that a different common stage of a relationship tends to end.
“Love shouldn't hurt.”
Trauma bonds form when cycles of abuse create a powerful attachment to someone who also causes pain. Unlike love, which is defined by affection, care and respect, trauma bonds often lack mutual concern and safety. They typically stem from prolonged manipulation or interpersonal trauma.
“For trauma survivors, especially those who've experienced neglect or emotional invalidation, oversharing can feel like a fast-track to safety or intimacy — even if it bypasses healthy relationship pacing.” Figueroa adds that you might also overshare intimate details to avoid feeling rejected or unseen.
Completely innocent victim, or a victim who did not contribute to the crime and was simply in the wrong place at the wrong time, or those who are victimized by nature of who they are (such as a child, or an elderly adult).
Shock, numbness, denial, disbelief, fear, anger, guilt, distrust, frustration, and loneliness are emotions victims may feel. There is no right or wrong way to feel. Family members who have been victimized experience unique emotions at varying points in their recovery.
Typically high-risk victims, as defined by lifestyle (prostitute, runaway, hitchhiker, drug addict, gang member, etc.), simply place themselves recklessly and without regard to their own personal safety in situations, circumstances and environments which elevate their risk level.