Because your boundaries trigger Uncomfortable feelings. Lots of people would rather you take responsibility for their feelings. If someone is young, or emotionally immature, s/he will believe that it is your responsibility to prevent them from discomfort, sadness, disappointment.
Sitka explains that ignoring your boundaries may be either conscious behavior or unconsciously forgetting if they have low self-awareness. “They might want to bring it up multiple times, asking questions and scrutinizing the boundary, even if you explained the boundary clearly and explicitly the first time,” she adds.
Responses can range from simple resistance or pushback all the way to hostility or even threats. Guilt and shame are distinct emotions. Guilt is what you feel when you do something outside of your value system (such as stealing).
Boundaries create trust and build healthy relationships. Even when some people don't like what you do, they will likely still respect you for standing up for what you believe in.
Sometimes in a relationship there is a sticky dynamic where one party tries to set a boundary that is comfortable for them, but it feels exclusionary to the other person. As if they are being shut out or exiled. This can feel painful for the person who feels shut out.
Another common obstacle is feeling it's mean or selfish to set limits, but it's actually hurtful not to. Boundaries protect relationships — allowing us to put our own oxygen mask on first, rather than be disingenuous, set ourselves up to become resentful, and then want to escape.
Unhealthy boundaries are harmful because they prevent us from developing healthy, intimate relationships. They create distance, mistrust, and conflict.
For some people, setting boundaries feels like we are rejecting others, perhaps we tell ourselves we are being unkind in their moment of need. The reality is though that it is the act of establishing boundaries that nurture our compassion for others.
When setting a boundary, you're expressing your needs in a clear and direct way. Boundaries are never punitive or controlling—but it's sometimes not easy to tell the difference between a healthy boundary and an attempt to manipulate or control when you're on the receiving end.
Boundaries are necessary to feel good. They can also backfire when not done with intention, are entirely egocentric, are created from a dysregulated place, or are driven by a desire for oversimplification.
It's extremely common to feel guilt and other challenging emotions before, during, and after setting boundaries.
When you establish a new boundary with someone else, the most common form of resistance one gets is anger. People who get angry at others for setting boundaries have a character problem. Self-centered, they think the world exists for them and their comfort. They see others as extensions of themselves.
Creating boundaries is knowing what is going and not going right in order to protect your emotional bank account and mental health. Setting boundaries may look like to others that you are being selfish, as they may be under the impression that you should be available to them whenever you need it.
Boundaries become selfish, or at least problematic when we use them to try to make people act and live their lives the way we want them to, and not how they wish to.
Many narcissists react badly to boundaries or violate them entirely. One of the reasons narcissists overstep boundaries is because it allows them to hold themselves accountable for any wrongdoing they may have caused, something they intensely dislike!
Narcissists use scrutiny or intimidation to make others second-guess themselves. Doing so gives them a feeling of power and control. Part of boundary-setting is the right to decide what you share with others. The less you share, particularly personal information, the less a narcissist has to use against you.
They might become angry, more manipulative, more controlling, or completely ignore the boundaries. There are ways to effectively deal with a narcissist when they act out against boundaries, such as seeking social support from friends or family.
Sadness/Loneliness
One of the big fears people have when it comes to setting boundaries is that once the people in their lives see that they are not kidding around, they will leave. As humans, we have a built-in biological need for community and connection, so the fear of abandonment makes sense and is very normal.
Not saying “no” or not accepting when others say “no.” Feeling like you are responsible for other people's feelings and/or happiness. Feeling like you are responsible for “fixing” or “saving” others. Touching people without their permission.
Unfortunately, people who are manipulative, narcissistic, and have a poor sense of self tend to repeatedly violate personal boundaries. One of the biggest challenges that people have with boundaries is figuring out what to do when someone repeatedly violates them.
It's ok to feel scared or anxious or even downright uncomfortable when we are learning new skills. When it comes to boundary setting, you might have a fear of being rejected, falling out of favor with others, or being seen as selfish.