Yes, Adult Sibling Conflict Happens … a Lot Other causes include unresolved issues from childhood, different personalities or values, power struggles that may create a dynamic of competition, or family secrets that cause feelings of betrayal or mistrust among siblings, Hartman says.
Many kids are lucky enough to become the best of friends with their siblings, but it's common for brothers and sisters to fight. Often, sibling rivalry starts even before the second child joins the family, and continues as the kids grow and compete for everything from toys to attention.
Differing amounts of parental attention: Either you or your sister may feel that your parents favored one of you over the other, which can lead to rivalry and hatred between the two of you. Jealousy: It is not unusual for siblings to be compared to each other, either by others or by themselves.
While there's no official definition of sibling estrangement, the term basically refers to “emotional distancing from an adult sibling,” says John Caffaro, PhD, a distinguished professor of psychology at the California School of Professional Psychology at Alliant International University in Los Angeles.
The mental health effects of sibling estrangement
Research has found that if you experienced estrangement within your family, you are more likely to struggle with mental health issues related to depression, anxiety, eating disorders, low self-esteem, substance abuse, sleep disorders and suicidal ideation.
Sibling estrangement can be caused by parental favoritism, having immature parents, parental or sibling abuse, and psychopathy. There are steps you can take to heal from a toxic sibling relationship, such as doing deep Shadow Work, engaging in honest conversation, and family therapy.
One German study last year suggested 28% of survey respondents experienced at least one period of sibling estrangement; 14% experienced multiple estrangements. “It's common,” says Linda Blair, a clinical psychologist and author of Siblings.
Trauma bonding is the formation of an unhealthy bond between a person living with abuse and their abuser. Trauma bonds are not just found in romantic relationships. They can happen between family members, friends, and even coworkers. This bond is forged through affection alternating with abuse.
Toxic siblings will often take advantage of you. They might exploit you emotionally. For example, they could manipulate you into serving their own psychological needs. They could be counting on your assistance with whatever and whatever. In that way, they are disrespecting your time or other obligations.
Potential challenges of a 3-year age gap
This can be a difficult age gap for parents, as the older sibling isn't capable of caring for himself but has needs that aren't as easily met as a younger firstborn's are. Sibling jealousy can still be a problem.
Adult Sibling Rivalry Solutions: Getting Started
Challenge yourself to better understand your brother or sister's perspective, goals, needs, and preferences. This takes skills like compassion and listening. Their experience may have been different from yours.
The number of Americans who are completely estranged from a sibling is relatively small—probably less than 5 percent, says Karl Pillemer, Cornell University professor of human development and gerontology. The rest of us report mostly positive or neutral feelings about our siblings, but that can mean different things.
It's hard to be the big sib. No matter how old you are, you're expected to take more responsibility, even when you're a very young person yourself. That's one reason that oldest children are often described as responsible, sensitive, perfectionistic, and a bit more anxious than their siblings.
5 signs of trauma bonding
Defensiveness, or making excuses to others for an abuser. Rationalizing or justifying an abuser's behaviors. Isolation from friends and family through manipulation and gaslighting. Self-blame, or believing the abuse is their own fault.
Many estranged siblings realize over time that a brother's or sister's narcissistic tendencies are the underlying cause of their toxic relationship. It's difficult to sustain sibling relationships with three brothers who are narcissistic. They always get upset over trivial things.
Grieving a relationship with a family member
“There can be a real grieving process when cutting off a toxic family member,” says MacMillan. “Grief that the relationship is not working, especially if it once did.
Takeaway: It's not forever, but distance is healthy
But when you set boundaries and prioritize your own health, you'll be able to live a better life — with or without your sibling. “Walking away from a toxic relationship does not mean that you are completely shutting a door,” Fuller says.
In some cases, cutting ties with a sibling you're fighting with may be the best path forward, particularly if it's necessary to safeguard your own mental, physical, or emotional health. “When or how a person might know it's time to cut ties completely depends on the individual situation and comfort level.
Know that you cannot control the other person who cut you off, but you can control how you choose to deal with the situation. You can either hang on for dear life, while continuing to suffer greatly, or you can loosen your grip, send that person love, and focus on living your life and being good to yourself. Grieve.