Dismissive-avoidant attachment specifically can be caused by many different kinds of separation or withdrawal from your primary caregiver. They may have been depressed, or perhaps had health issues when you were a baby, causing them to be less present and unable to consistently meet your care
Avoidant / dismissive adults still self regulate in unhealthy ways; they might feel threatened by triggering dating or relationship situations, such as a partner trying to get emotionally close, and they might shut down their emotions in an attempt to feel safe and avoid feeling vulnerable.
Dismissive avoidants hurt after a break-up but because dismissive avoidants often don't form attachments or strong bonds with their relationship partners, and do not “lose themselves” in relationships, their hurt after a break-up may not be as deep as other attachment styles.
People may show avoidance behaviors in a relationship for many reasons. They often date back to a person's early relationship dynamics and attachment style. Avoidant attachment may come from having strict, emotionally distant, neglectful, or dismissive caregivers.
Love Avoidants recognize and are attracted to the Love Addict's strong fear of being left because Love Avoidants know that all they have to do to trigger their partner's fear is threaten to leave.
Some of the phrases that might feel particularly annoying to those with avoidant attachment are: “I know you better than you know yourself.” “You wouldn't say/need/do that, if you really loved me.” “Nothing is wrong, I'm fine.”
Adults with the dismissive / avoidant attachment style seem to be pretty happy about who they are and where they are. They might be very social, easy-going, and fun to be around. In addition, these individuals might have a lot of friends and/or sexual partners. Generally speaking, they are not alone or lonely.
A dismissive-avoidant person cannot form supportive relationships. They are not comfortable providing support to friends or romantic partners and they feel less obligated to do so. Their view of those who seek support is that they are dependent, weak, emotionally unstable, and immature.
Their avoidant attachment style means they usually go through life without sharing what they're thinking or experiencing inside. If your avoidant partner starts to share how they're feeling with you or open up about their deepest secrets, it's a sign they trust you and are getting attached to you.
The dismissive-avoidant is afraid of and incapable of tolerating true intimacy. Since he was brought up not to depend on anyone or reveal feelings that might not be acceptable to caregivers, his first instinct when someone gets really close to him is to run away.
Avoidant attachers are prone to overthinking and overanalyzing a situation. Therefore, sedentary dates such as the cinema may provide too many opportunities to pick fault with the situation or relationship.
So, to review, this is what a dismissive avoidant person needs: Feeling supported in a consistent way. Feeling understood and that their autonomy is respected (very important). Feeling their freedom.
Avoidants tend to not want to give anything or anybody their time or their energy. If it doesn't serve them any purpose, they won't do it. So if they are with you and they are giving you their time, that is a really good indication that they care about you and they are putting you as a priority.
If an avoidant starts pulling away, let them know that you care but do not chase them. It may be very painful to do this, but pursuing them is likely to make it take longer for them to come back. They need breathing space, to feel safe with their own thoughts and unengulfed.
So, those studies that find correlations between dismissing attachment and narcissism report results from people who, for the most part, do not have dismissing attachment styles and are not narcissists.
Sims notes dismissive-avoidant people tend to lack awareness of their inner world, emotions, needs, and fears. Although they have a strong sense of self, they mainly project a false self to the world.
Dismissive-Avoidant Emotional Abuse
Adults who have an avoidant-dismissive insecure attachment style are more likely to instigate such abuse. Instead of desiring intimacy, they are so afraid of closeness that they avoid emotional connection with others. They'd rather not rely on others or be reliant on others.
Avoidant attachers are thus more susceptible to social loneliness and isolation. Even when avoidant attachers do engage in dating and relationships, those relationships are usually casual and short-lived. Avoidant attachers tend to feel threatened by emotional intimacy and use various defense mechanisms.
The anxiously attached person craves more connection and closeness and feels triggered by the avoidant person pulling away. Meanwhile the avoidant person feels triggered by the anxious person's desire for closeness because they themselves value their independence and freedom and fear being consumed.
Someone who is dismissive-avoidant in their attachment style may appear withdrawn and highly independent. They feel as though they do not need close, intimate relationships, preferring not to be dependent upon others, nor have others depend upon them.
Individuals with this disorder also find it difficult to trust or express their deepest feelings for fear of abandonment, rejection, or loss. Avoidant personalities often draw near to people they love or care about, and later pull away out of fear.
Fears of Love Avoidants
Love Avoidants fear vulnerability, intimacy, dependence, and genuine love. This avoidance of connection stems from difficulty developing healthy attachments in their early life. It is a form of self-preservation.
According to researchers, avoidants distance from romantic partners by using various “deactivating strategies” in relationships. These methods and strategies are like an “anti-intimacy” toolbox. They consciously or unconsciously deny their needs for attachment and connection.