Abusive partners often display a fourth attachment style, a fearful attachment. Like anxious-preoccupied individuals, they don't expect adults to be responsive to their needs which in turn gives rise to anxiety.
Individuals with histories of childhood neglect and physical abuse had higher levels of anxious attachment style in adulthood, whereas neglect predicted avoidant attachment as well.
The fearful attachment style was significantly associated with physical and verbal aggression. The preoccupied style was significantly associated with verbal aggression; however, dismissing attachment was significantly associated with physical aggression and anger (Table 3).
Here is what I want you to know: people with the avoidant attachment adaptation are not inherently abusive. This stereotype is not only extremely harmful for the people who are working hard to heal themselves, but it's dismissive of their early experiences and their deep longing to connect with others.
These results suggest that upon experiencing distrust in one's partner, anxiously attached individuals are more likely to become jealous, snoop through a partner's belongings, and become psychologically abusive.
Key points. People often wrongly assume that their partner is a narcissist because they have a dismissing attachment style. The research neither supports nor rejects a relationship between dismissing attachment and narcissism.
Avoidants are not all narcissists but they do have an ability to detach emotionally from the relationship which triggers an “anxious” person's attachment anxiety.
While the anxious person's fears of not being enough are validated, the avoidant person is safe in the knowledge their partner won't hurt them. It's a familiar — yet toxic — cycle.
At the same time, the needs of the anxious and avoidant attachment types are opposites, and there is little chance of these types of relationships being healthy. Instead, avoidant and anxious attachment style partners create a toxic relationship with a high risk of emotional damage.
Narcissists have insecure attachment styles that are either avoidant or anxious, or some combination. People with insecure attachment styles feel a basic insecurity stemming from relationships with early caregivers.
"Disorganized attachment style is said to be the most difficult of the three insecure attachment styles to treat or change," Feuerman says. But it's important to know that your attachment style can shift over time — you can develop a secure attachment style by changing the way you act and think.
People who are high in attachment-related avoidance fear being dependent on others and opening up. People with insecure attachment styles (anxious or avoidant) tend not to approach conflict head on.
In public, abusers often appear charismatic, friendly, kind and even compassionate, while behind closed doors they are terrifying, unpredictable and calculating—think Dr. Jeckyll and Mr. Hyde. Most abusers work very hard to keep up a positive image outside of their home.
According to psychologists, people with avoidant attachment styles are individuals uncomfortable with intimacy and are therefore more likely to multiply sexual encounters and cheat.
Sadly, this attachment style is often seen in children that have experienced trauma or abuse. The fearful avoidant attachment style occurs in about 7% of the population and typically develops in the first 18 months of life.
Those who suffer with Avoidant Personality Disorder frequently use manipulation to get their needs met. Perfectionism; nothing is good enough, the standard is set unrealistically high for themselves and often for others.
If you are familiar with attachment theory, I feel confident you have heard this advice before: “whatever you do, don't date an avoidant person. They can't connect, they will ghost you, and they will just hurt you in the end.”
Avoidants are not “emotionally empty” and they do not hate love. Instead, they are afraid of being close to someone and want to avoid getting hurt. Being open to another person makes you vulnerable, and an avoidant person is scared of being rejected, abandoned, or hurt by trusting someone else.
Avoidant Attachment and Breakup. Someone with an avoidant attachment style in relationships likely grew up with caregivers that they perceived to be rejecting of their need for intimacy and affection. In response to this sense of repeated rejection, the child ultimately shuts down their attachment system.
Children develop this dismissive avoidant attachment type as a response to lack of closeness with a parent, thus protecting themselves from being hurt or rejected. In friendships, this attachment type may be reserved and may have many acquaintances, but few close friendships.
Key points. A person's attachment style affects the way they behave in relationships. An insecure or avoidant attachment style can cause someone to deny their own needs in order to please others. Understanding what drives people-pleasing behavior can help someone to better manage it.
Narcissism tends to emerge as a psychological defence in response to excessive levels of parental criticism, abuse or neglect in early life. Narcissistic personalities tend to be formed by emotional injury as a result of overwhelming shame, loss or deprivation during childhood.
There are a few signs to know if an avoidant-dismissive person likes you. They will spend more time together with you though they may not reveal their emotions, or feel deeply. They may discourage you or move away when you share any negative emotions rather than inquire what they are really about.
Avoidant / dismissive adults still self regulate in unhealthy ways; they might feel threatened by triggering dating or relationship situations, such as a partner trying to get emotionally close, and they might shut down their emotions in an attempt to feel safe and avoid feeling vulnerable.