The good news is, if you come clean, your relationship could actually benefit: Married individuals who admit their infidelity to their spouse are almost a third less likely to divorce than those who keep their infidelity a secret, found a recent study from UCLA and the University of Washington.
“I think the best time is to come clean as soon as possible, however difficult that may be,” says Weaver. “If the information is held back and only disclosed much later it can be experienced as an even greater betrayal.”
Tell the truth
Show respect for your partner (and your relationship) by being direct and honest about the details of why you cheated. Avoid accusing or criticizing your partner to explain why it happened. And don't leave out details in order to spare your partner's feelings.
Most of the time your gut feelings are highly reliable and worth paying attention to, but your subconscious fears can get in the way and muddle these messages, too. So you must learn how to tell the difference.
Although telling could make the cheater feel better for getting the affair off their chest, it could put their partner in a not-so-great position where they feel bad about themselves or like they can't trust the cheater anymore. "The details [of the affair] aren't as important as the why [you did it]," Nelson said.
Marin understood the pain that cheating could cause but warned against generalizing those who have been unfaithful. "People who cheat, they're not terrible, evil, horrible people. There are plenty of really great, wonderful people who cheat, as well," added Marin.
The good news is, if you come clean, your relationship could actually benefit: Married individuals who admit their infidelity to their spouse are almost a third less likely to divorce than those who keep their infidelity a secret, found a recent study from UCLA and the University of Washington.
The worst thing you can do after getting caught is to explain your act. Infidelity in itself is a moral sin and whether your partner wasn't there for you or didn't give you the love you deserved, doesn't sum up to what you did to them.
How Common Is Cheating in Relationships? Studies suggest that around 30 to 40 percent of unmarried relationships and 18 to 20 percent of marriages see at least one incident of sexual infidelity, according to Kilmer.
Experts say it's possible for couples to go on to have a happy relationship after infidelity, provided they're willing to put in the work. “The couple can survive and grow after an affair,” says Coleman. “They have to—otherwise the relationship will never be gratifying.”
Not every person who cheats once will cheat again. However, serial cheaters are people who seek out sexual partners on a continual, chronic pattern of infidelity. Typically, these are people in committed, monogamous relationships who continue to purposefully seek extramarital romantic and/or sexual relationships.
Express remorse. Be willing to answer questions about your cheating. Apologize sincerely and promise not to do it again. Be transparent to restore trust.
The Reasoning
There are many reasons people cheat, but according to Campbell, they usually fall into three categories: individual, relationship, and situational.
Sometimes cheaters are reenacting or latently responding to unresolved childhood traumas—neglect, emotional abuse, physical abuse, sexual abuse, etc. Basically, their childhood wounds have created attachment deficits that manifest through infidelity.
According to data from community health centers, only 15.6% of relationships were able to recover after infidelity. This means that the vast majority of couples who experience infidelity do not make it through the ordeal.
They may act hurt, even if they admit to cheating.
It's natural for someone who's had an affair to feel sad or remorseful about what happened. However, some cheaters will take it a step further and try to make their partner feel sorry for them, or even try to make their significant other feel guilty for being upset.
Among men, 68% feel guilty after having an affair. Even if they haven't confessed the affair, most cheating husbands will feel guilty and express that guilt in their behavior. You may notice subtle changes in their behavior that make you wonder if your spouse is displaying cheating husband guilt.
Guilt. It is normal to feel guilty about what you've done after cheating on someone. Guilt is a sign that you understand that what you did was wrong and that you have hurt your partner. Guilt can be a difficult emotion to feel, but it can encourage you to find a way to make things right.
If it was a “one-off,” possibly fuelled by alcohol, Winter suggests refraining from telling your partner - as it will only hurt them. “If so, think twice before revealing an interlude you can barely remember the next day,” she advised. “This confession can only create harm, not good.
However, sex and relationship expert Jessica O'Reilly says it's not a must. “If it's something that bothers you or is important to you, go ahead and tell them all about it. However, you're not required to reveal everything about your past,” she tells Global News.
According to the General Social Survey, men are more likely to cheat than women, with 20% of men and 13% of women reporting having sex with someone other than their partner while still married. However, the gender gap varies per age.
It takes a high level of commitment, respect, and empathy to remain faithful to someone you love. Cheating is inherently an immature behavior that puts a lack of self-control and impulsivity on display. Both hallmarks of immaturity.
People who cheat are likely impulsive and destructive at decision making. Instead of thinking about you and what happens to the relationship after cheating, they go based on what they want right now. Impulsiveness can be seen in other areas of the relationship, too. So keep an eye out.