Constant Criticism or Disparagement A gaslighter may use verbal abuse to wear their victim down in an attempt to keep them stuck in the relationship. They may use constant insults or comments like, "You know you'll never get anyone better than me," or, "You're terrible with money.
“It's making someone seem or feel unstable, irrational and not credible, making them feel like what they're seeing or experiencing isn't real, that they're making it up, that no one else will believe them.” Gaslighting involves an imbalance of power between the abuser and the person they're gaslighting.
Like gaslighting, the silent treatment is used to change another person's behaviors and thought process by means other than direct discussion and constructive argument. Disagreement is inevitable within platonic and romantic relationships, even healthy ones, but being upset does not need to translate to conflict.
When a person is hurt by something you've said or done, your usual response is that they're overreacting and to stop making things up. This may make a person believe their emotions are not valid or excessive. If this sounds like you, you are definitely gaslighting.
“A gaslighter will often make you beg for their forgiveness and apologize profusely for any 'wrong' you committed, even if it's something they did,” Stern says. Sometimes you may not even know what you're apologizing for, other than they're upset and it's your responsibility to calm them down.
Signs of Gaslighting. You doubt your feelings and reality: You try to convince yourself that the treatment you receive is not that bad or that you are too sensitive. You question your judgment and perceptions: You are afraid of speaking up or expressing your emotions.
If you're not familiar with the term, gaslighting is when someone makes you question your sanity by manipulating your thoughts and emotions. A gaslighter might say/do things to make you feel worthless. Or they might lie to you outright and then deny that they ever said anything, making you doubt your memory.
Shifting blame is a common gaslighting tactic. Accusing the victim of being the gaslighter causes confusion, makes them question the situation, and draws attention away from the true gaslighter's harmful behavior, Sarkis says.
There are four primary types of gaslighting behaviors: the straight-up lie, reality manipulation, scapegoating and coercion.
Sometimes gaslighting happens unintentionally – perhaps because of someone's desire to deflect responsibility for a mistake. But some people engage in it intentionally and regularly, and that's when it can have an especially toxic effect.
If you feel like you are walking on eggshells around your partner, fearful that you will 'overreact' to something and set them off, or fearful that you will get into a fight and they will project on to you, then this is a sign that you are being gaslighted.
Signs of Narcissist Gaslighting
They may try to make you feel like you're overreacting or being too sensitive by saying things like, “You're being paranoid,” or “You're imagining things.” They might also try to control what you do and who you see by trying to isolate you from your friends and family.
Gaslighting at work is when a fellow employee or boss (the gaslighter) manipulates you to the point that you question your own sanity, memory, or perceptions. The gaslighter can do this by denying past events, downplaying your emotions, or retelling events so that you take the blame.
When you confront gaslighters about their behavior, they often change the subject or counter-attack by telling you that it's all your fault or you are the one with the problem. They may say that you made them act the way they did because you irritated them.
Do gaslighters know they're gaslighting? Gaslighting lies on a spectrum. Some gaslighters don't know they're gaslighting and are largely unaware of how their behavior is affecting the other person. But some gaslighters are very well aware of what they are doing, and it is done with intention and without remorse.
“There are two main reasons why a gaslighter behaves as they do,” Sarkis explains. “It is either a planned effort to gain control and power over another person, or it because someone was raised by a parent or parents who were gaslighters, and they learned these behaviors as a survival mechanism.”
'" If they are suggesting that you seek counseling, help, or outside perspective for problems that are happening between the two of you, or for problems that you are bringing up about them, this can be an indication of subtle gaslighting.
Speak up about the behavior
In addition to lies and misdirection, gaslighting often involves criticism and insults. Calling these out — calmly and assertively — shows them you won't accept the behavior. Don't be afraid to speak up, since making others aware of the situation gives them more incentive to leave you alone.
Chronic lying and deception is one of the most common types of passive-aggressive gaslighting, whereby the gaslighter creates a false narrative about or against the gaslightee that has little proof or validity.