Yes, people with an avoidant attachment style, particularly dismissive-avoidants, often keep secrets and hide aspects of their lives as a defense mechanism to maintain emotional distance, independence, and control, stemming from discomfort with vulnerability and a need to avoid perceived criticism or engulfment in relationships. Secrecy for avoidants is a way to control how others see them and to protect themselves from emotional intimacy, often involving compartmentalizing feelings and experiences.
In addition, people who are dismissive-avoidant are often secretive and inflexible, not allowing their own plans to be influenced by others. They often choose not to share their plans at all.
They miss the companionship and connection you two had between each other. They will legitimately wonder about your well being and are curious with how life is going with you and your family. They will treat you, think about you, and care about you as a good friend they haven't talked to for a while.
Some people will find it much easier to set aside the boundaries of marriage and embark on more than one relationship than others. But there's a very good reason why. Recent research has suggested that those with an avoidant personality disorder are more likely to cheat on their spouse.
Avoidants protect their sense of self because they're genuinely afraid of losing it, that's a pattern rooted in trauma, not a character defect. It's frustrating to see complex dynamics reduced to catchy buzzwords instead of real understanding.
For instance, an avoidant individual might seem distant and uninterested because they don't frequently initiate contact or express their feelings openly. However, this behavior is not about disinterest but rather a coping mechanism to avoid feeling vulnerable.
Letting Them Lead
Letting them set the pace also melts them. Many avoidants feel rushed in emotional moments. But when you allow them to go slow, they feel safe. Here is the paradox: the more control they feel, the less they use control to protect themselves.
People with dismissing attachment styles may lie more because of their discomfort with intimacy and emotional closeness. They might want to be romantic and sexual with you but be afraid to commit. Fearing that you could blow them off if they told you the truth, they cover things up and tell you what you want to hear.
Avoidant attachers are technically more compatible with certain attachment styles over others. For example, a secure attacher's positive outlook on themselves and others means they are capable of meeting the needs of an avoidant attacher without necessarily compromising their own.
What hurts an avoidant most isn't distance but rather the loss of their perceived self-sufficiency, being forced to confront their own emotional deficits, and the shattering of their self-image when someone they pushed away shows they are genuinely happy and better off without them, revealing their actions had real, painful consequences. Actions that trigger deep insecurity, like consistent, calm detachment or proving you don't need them, dismantle their defenses, forcing them to face their own inability to connect and the pain they caused, which is often worse than direct conflict.
they do, usually they have one they kind of obsess on and they romanticize that relationship (even if it was relatively mediocre). They often use it as a distancing strategy against whoever they're currently with.
At First, They Feel Relief (Yes, Really)
It's a bit of a gut-punch to realize that when an avoidant first senses you're slipping away, their initial feeling is not regret. It's relief. Not because they didn't care about you, but because intimacy and commitment feel suffocating to them.
Avoidants don't secretly want to be chased. They want connection, but they fear what connection might cost them. In that fear, they create patterns that push people away, and then they wonder why they feel alone. If you're stuck in the push-pull, it's tempting to think: If I just hold on a little longer.
Avoidant personality disorder describes a pervasive pattern of social anxiety, extreme sensitivity to rejection, and feelings of inadequacy, but with a strong underlying desire for companionship.
Self-sufficiency: Dismissive-avoidant attachment is characterized by extreme self-sufficiency, independence, and avoidance of relying on others. This stems from a fear of rejection and emotional fragility, leading to a strong need for autonomy as a self-protection mechanism.
In truth, the disorganized attachment style is considered to be the most difficult form of insecure attachment to manage – disorganized adults strongly desire love and acceptance but simultaneously fear that those closest to them will hurt them.
Avoidant individuals want a partner who does not threaten their need for autonomy. They tend to be attracted to traits that align with their core values of independence and self-reliance.
Avoidant singles also report less meaning in life and tend to be less happy compared to secure singles. Fearful singles reported more difficulties navigating close relationships than secure singles.
The classic symptoms associated with avoidant personality disorder (AVPD) include social inhibition, feelings of inadequacy, hypersensitivity to negative feedback and evaluation, fear of rejection, avoidance of any activities that require substantial personal interaction, and reluctance to take risks or get involved in ...
Avoidants aren't inherently cheaters. But their relationship with intimacy, closeness, and self-protection can make them more likely to create emotional (or even physical) distance in ways that feel like betrayal.
But it does provide some rough guidelines as to how soon may be too soon to make long-term commitments and how long may be too long to stick with a relationship. Each of the three numbers—three, six, and nine—stands for the month that a different common stage of a relationship tends to end.
Which Attachment Style Is Most Manipulative? On the more extreme end of anxious attachment, a person may be more likely to become emotionally manipulative because they will go through as much as they can to make sure an attachment figure doesn't leave them.
It can be helpful to draw an avoidant person out and connect with them to get interested in what they're into, and try to understand their perspective and what they like about it. Then honor their pace when it comes to vulnerability and talking about emotional topics.
When an avoidant person withdraws, it can look a lot like they have lost interest or they want to end the relationship. However, they usually just need space to process their emotions.
The timeline varies greatly depending on the individual and the relationship dynamic. Some avoidants may show subtle signs of love within weeks or months, while others may take much longer to feel safe enough to express affection. Patience and consistency from their partner can help accelerate this process.