Mothers with BPD may find it difficult to balance appropriate limit setting with the encouragement of exploration and growth for their children. It may also be that mothers with BPD find it difficult to adjust their parenting strategies to match the developmental needs of their children.
MD. Mothers with borderline personality disorder (BPD) may lack empathy, be controlling, and emotionally unpredictable. Being raised by a mother with BPD can affect many areas of your life. By learning how to assert yourself, set boundaries, and practice self-care, you can heal and move forward.
Christine Lawson, describes four subtypes of mothers with BPD: the Waif (helpless), the Hermit (fearful/avoidant), the Queen (controlling) and the Witch (sadistic).
Coping skills for BPD are often centered around learning to manage moments of emotional instability and/or control anger. Some techniques to help in these situations could include: Using stress-reduction techniques, like deep breathing or meditation. Engaging in light exercise, like walking or yoga.
Separations, disagreements, and rejections—real or perceived—are the most common triggers for symptoms. A person with BPD is highly sensitive to abandonment and being alone, which brings about intense feelings of anger, fear, suicidal thoughts and self-harm, and very impulsive decisions.
But with some individuals with BPD, you don't want to get into the habit of allowing certain things such as calls after hours, visits to your home without announcing it, borrowing your things and never returning them, driving your car and keeping it longer than they should, etc.
Children of mothers with BPD are also at heightened risk for exhibiting attention difficulties, aggressive behavior, and low self-esteem, in addition to major depression, anxiety, and borderline personality disorder itself.
As a result, they often fear conflict, try to placate their family, and struggle with a core sense of identity. Parents with BPD may oscillate between being overly attached or involved with their children and being hostile or dismissive. Sometimes, they might present as extraordinarily loving and attentive.
A mother with BPD may fluctuate between periods of being very intrusive to becoming very withdrawn. She may have had times when she was far too nosy about everything you did, who you spoke to, and what you did throughout the day when she was not around.
Talk to a therapist or other mental health professional for individual help. Set and reinforce boundaries with your borderline parent. Keep a journal to write your thoughts and feelings, especially after an upsetting interaction. Be aware of triggers (both yours and your parent's) and do your best to avoid them.
Low-Functioning BPD Mothers
The Waif: Waifs feel worthless and victimized. They can suffer from depression, anxiety, irrational fears, and feelings of vulnerability. Waifs feel helpless but reject attempts by family members to help them.
Both borderline and narcissistic mothers may have difficulty appropriately parenting their children. Borderline mothers may be disorganized, over-emotional, or act more like an older sibling than a mother. Narcissistic mothers may be harsh and critical, have unrealistic standards, or use shame as a punishment.
People with BPD score low on cognitive empathy but high on emotional empathy. This suggests that they do not easily understand other peoples' perspectives, but their own emotions are very sensitive. This is important because it could align BPD with other neurodiverse conditions.
People with borderline personality disorder can be very effective and nurturing parents, but because the symptoms of BPD can be very intense, for many people this does take some work.
Conclusions: Parental externalizing psychopathology and father's BPD traits contribute genetic risk for offspring BPD traits, but mothers' BPD traits and parents' poor parenting constitute environmental risks for the development of these offspring traits.
Another hallmark of borderline personality disorder is having a favorite person—usually a family member, romantic partner, or someone in a supportive role, such as a teacher or coach. For someone with this type of BPD relationship, a “favorite person” is someone they rely on for comfort, happiness, and validation.
There is also evidence to link BPD to other forms of child maltreatment, such as emotional and physical neglect. In fact, some research suggests that emotional and physical neglect may be even more closely related to the development of BPD than physical or sexual abuse.
The Victim
Someone with BPD may struggle to take an active role even in simple tasks or enjoyable activities without the assistance of another. In this instance, the person with BPD will seek out a persecutor or rescuer to validate their experience of victimization.
Those diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) or those with BPD who may not even know they have it, are more likely than the general population to be verbally, emotionally/psychologically, physically abusive.
Growing up with an emotionally unavailable parent may impact your future relationships, social connections, and how well you regulate your own emotions. Self-introspection and getting in touch with your inner child can help you heal, but it's possible you may need to distance yourself from your parents for a time.
Research shows that children whose parents exhibited BPD are prone to disorders such as ADHD (attention deficit hyperactive disorder), depression, and anxiety. Studies of BPD in families show that the child of someone with BPD is likely to be diagnosed with BPD at some point in their life.
Don't point out how you feel that they're wrong, try to win the argument, or invalidate their feelings, even when what they're saying is totally irrational. Do your best to stay calm, even when the person with BPD is acting out.
BPD splitting destroys relationships because the behaviour can be impulsive or reckless in order to alleviate the pain, often hurting loved ones in the process. It can feel like everyone abandons or hurts them, often causing them to look for evidence, and creating problems from nothing.
Research indicates that BPD is linked to above-average intelligence (IQ > 130) and exceptional artistic talent (Carver, 1997). Because your partner with BPD may be exceptionally bright, they digest information and discover answers to problems more quickly than the average person.