Unintentional gaslighting refers to when someone unintentionally tries to discount or deny your reality to make you feel crazy, confused, or doubt yourself. Traditional gaslighting is a form of psychological abuse. While unintentional gaslighting is done without malice, it is still a form of mental abuse.
But there are also cases where gaslighters act in a way that makes people question their version of reality that affects their self-esteem and disempowers them, even if it wasn't the intention. Without being aware of it, you could potentially gaslight others and not even know.
It could be said that the term 'gaslighting' solely refers to intentional behavior, as most of the literature states, and when done unintentionally it is simply 'lying'.
Gaslighters tell lies but they may do so for different reasons compared to your average everyday fibbers. The distinguishing element is the intention behind lying vs gaslighting, keeping in mind that gaslighting can be done unconsciously.
A person can gaslight you without realizing it. The motivation behind gaslighting (and other forms of manipulation) is to have control and to avoid taking responsibility and getting into trouble. This drive can happen on an unconscious level and the person may not realize why or what they are doing.
Gaslighting is not a rational behavior and gaslighters will not respond to logic or admit their true motivation.
Indirect Gaslighting. Through withheld conversation, someone plants doubt in your sense of reality. Seeking clarity isn't on the table, thus resulting in ruminating, confirmation bias, confabulation, and a lack of complete information.
Like we said, gaslighting can happen in almost any kind of relationship and it can be extreme or mild. Either way, it's important to remember that gaslighting is a form of abuse.
Unconscious gaslighting
“Shadow gaslighting” is when these disowned parts of ourselves manipulate people in our lives in order to serve their own purpose. An unconscious part of self expresses itself and pursues its own agenda but goes unacknowledged in our awareness.
There are four primary types of gaslighting behaviors: the straight-up lie, reality manipulation, scapegoating and coercion.
If people make statements in the context of an argument in which they are trying to explain their point of view, or if these statements are made over the course of legal proceedings or formal hearings, then they may be viewed as someone defending themselves, not intentionally attempting to gaslight.
Not every gaslighter acts out intentionally. Experts note that unconscious gaslighting happens when the offender causes emotional abuse without a clear motive to harm or exploit.
Gaslighting friends enjoy conflict and often rile people against one another. Often, this motive comes from a place of profound jealousy. This friend may instigate rumors just to see how people respond. They often hope that others will be “grateful” for their truth.
Unintentional gaslighting refers to when someone unintentionally tries to discount or deny your reality to make you feel crazy, confused, or doubt yourself. Traditional gaslighting is a form of psychological abuse. While unintentional gaslighting is done without malice, it is still a form of mental abuse.
Chronic lying and deception is one of the most common types of passive-aggressive gaslighting, whereby the gaslighter creates a false narrative about or against the gaslightee that has little proof or validity.
The gaslighter enjoys emotionally, physically, and financially controlling their victims. The relationship may start well the manipulative person may praise his or her victim and establishes trust quickly by confiding in their victim immediately.
Do gaslighters know they're gaslighting? Gaslighting lies on a spectrum. Some gaslighters don't know they're gaslighting and are largely unaware of how their behavior is affecting the other person. But some gaslighters are very well aware of what they are doing, and it is done with intention and without remorse.
“A gaslighter will often make you beg for their forgiveness and apologize profusely for any 'wrong' you committed, even if it's something they did,” Stern says. Sometimes you may not even know what you're apologizing for, other than they're upset and it's your responsibility to calm them down.
Red Flag 1: You're doubting your own truth. Red Flag 2: You're questioning yourself excessively. Red Flag 3: You're feeling confused. Red Flag 4: You're frequently thinking you must be perceiving things incorrectly.
You may be more vulnerable to gaslighting if you suffer from any mental health issues that weaken your resistance, such as a history of abuse or trauma, low self-esteem or depression, for example.
Highly sensitive people and empaths are more susceptible to gaslighting because they do not trust themselves and their intuitions. They doubt their own perspective even when they sense that something is wrong.