Although BPD patients commonly use emotional manipulation techniques, their intent is not to manipulate others – but, in fact, to cry for help. Some of the things people with BPD do that are commonly viewed as being “manipulative” are threatening suicide, self-harm, and more.
Most people with EUPD/BPD aren't manipulative - but often those around us can be. Maddi Crease writes that a pervasive misconception about people who have emotionally unstable personality disorder (EUPD) is that they easily manipulate those around them.
They are suffering. Their emotions are out of their control. Manipulation is not necessarily a part of BPD at all. Many people shy away from having relationships with someone when they find out they have BPD.
However, those positive attributes are not without the proverbial strings attached; when the BPD explodes with vindictive rage, all they said or gave to their loved one may be taken away in one fell swoop of aggression. BPDs experience the world in extremes: black-and-white or all-or-nothing.
Relationships & Borderline Personality Disorder
“We also have intense and sudden mood changes, and we have severe difficulty regulating our emotions. Unintentionally, we tend to blame others when we make a mistake, which causes us to be manipulative and cruel to those we care about.”
“People with BPD lie often, but it is not because they are pathological liars,” says Nikki Instone, Ph. D. “Lying is not a symptom of the disorder so much as a consequence of their internal battle.” Lying is really rooted in emotional dysregulation, which is one of the main symptoms of Borderline Personality Disorder.
In other words, what is perceived as manipulation is, in fact, a desperate attempt to cope with the overwhelming fears of abandonment and rejection that sit at the heart of borderline personality disorder.
There may well be some individuals with BPD who are genuinely manipulative or sadistic, especially those who are very strong narcissistic traits. BPDs have very complex needs, as well as very complex maladaptive coping strategies — and manipulation is one of them.
A person with BPD typically has an unstable self-identity. Sometimes, lies help them bridge the gap between their true identity and the one they've adopted for the time being.
Often, the person with BPD will react towards loved ones as if they were the abusers from their past, and take out vengeance and anger towards them. When the person with BPD feels abandoned, they can become abusive or controlling as a way to defend against feelings of abandonment or feeling unworthy.
Is narcissism a symptom of BPD? Narcissism is not a symptom of BPD listed in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-5). However, as many as 40% of people with BPD may also have narcissistic personality disorder,4 so people with BPD may also show signs of narcissism.
Stanlenheim and Von Knorring [7] suggested that borderline personality disorder was even closer to psychopathy than antisocial personality disorder, since APD is mainly limited to behavioral alterations, whereas BPD presents affective and interpersonal deficits in the same line as psychopathy.
While not one of the nine criteria for a diagnosis of borderline personality disorder (BPD), selfishness can be a symptom of the disease. Selfishness interferes with healthy relationships, worsens risky behavior and worsens addiction--all symptoms of BPD. How do we know when we're being selfish?
They may lie in an attempt to explain why they behaved in a specific manner. When a person has big emotions and expresses them in ways that are considered “over the top” or “crazy” as compared to most other people, the person with BPD lies in hopes of being given a pass... or at least not being discarded.
Your family member or loved one with BPD may be extremely sensitive, so small things can often trigger intense reactions. Once upset, borderline people are often unable to think straight or calm themselves in a healthy way. They may say hurtful things or act out in dangerous or inappropriate ways.
The Merriam-Webster Dictionary defines the term sadistic as “taking pleasure in the infliction of pain, punishment, or humiliation on others.” Psychology Today assert that it is certainly possible for some individuals with BPD to be genuinely manipulative or sadistic.
BPD And Toxic Relationships
The quick changing nature of BPD symptoms (e.g., emotional peaks and valleys) can lead to conflict-filled, chaotic relationships that may develop into toxic relationships.
It is now universally recognized by mental health professionals as a debilitating illness that affects every aspect of a person's life. Borderline personality disorder causes a broad range of reactions that can be considered self-destructive or self-sabotaging.
A person with BPD is highly sensitive to abandonment and being alone, which brings about intense feelings of anger, fear, suicidal thoughts and self-harm, and very impulsive decisions. When something happens in a relationship that makes them feel abandoned, criticized, or rejected, their symptoms are expressed.
It's a technique often used by those with narcissistic and/or borderline personality disorders to deflect any responsibility from themselves.
Research suggests that 45 percent of people who engage in stalking behaviour have borderline personality disorder although the proportion among people convicted of stalking crimes is lower at 4 to 15 percent [1].
The Victim
Individuals with BPD often feel helpless, hopeless, powerless, and ashamed. When in this state of mind, they may adopt a passive role and draw in others to make decisions for them and support them.