No, having borderline personality disorder (BPD) does not mean a person is inherently unfaithful; their capacity for faithfulness varies just as it does in people without BPD. Generalizations should be avoided, as individuals with BPD can be both intensely loyal and, in some cases, unfaithful.
If you or your partner has BPD, it is possible to have a fulfilling relationship, although you will have more challenges than the average couple. Couples counseling and individual counseling can greatly improve your chances of being in the relationship that you want.
Don't…
Evaluate Your Own Mental Health
Being married to someone with BPD can make you feel like you're being left alone with your worries and stresses. The stress and uncertainty associated with caring for the individual through their mood swings can take an emotional toll on a spouse.
Be trustworthy.
Many people with BPD have a history of attachment problems, which creates a sense of fear and mistrust. As a support person, it is important for you to be consistent and honest. As much as possible, do what you say you will do. It's okay and usually necessary to set limits ahead of time.
Some couples stay together for years, while others find the relationship too volatile to sustain. The BPD relationship cycle is a recurring sequence of emotional highs and lows that can repeat many times unless both partners seek support.
Some common warning signs include intense and rapidly changing emotions, often triggered by seemingly minor events. Individuals with BPD may exhibit impulsive behaviors such as substance abuse, binge eating, or reckless driving.
The "3 C's of BPD" typically refer to advice for loved ones of someone with Borderline Personality Disorder, reminding them: "I didn't cause it, I can't cure it, I can't control it," to help set boundaries and avoid taking on undue responsibility for the person's actions or illness. Another set of "C's" describes core BPD traits for individuals: Clinginess (fear of abandonment), Conflict (intense relationships/moods), and Confusion (unstable self-image).
While a marriage can potentially survive BPD, it takes a lot of trust, patience, understanding, and willingness to work together through the issues.
People with borderline personality disorder may profess intense love or esteem for someone that can quickly turn to intense anger or hate. The symptoms of borderline personality disorder typically start in adolescence or early adulthood and can persist for many years.
Jobs that draw on empathy, communication, and understanding, traits often strengthened by lived experience with BPD, can also be deeply rewarding. Examples include: Teaching assistant or education support worker. Counsellor, peer support, or mental health worker.
People with Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) split as a subconscious defense mechanism to cope with overwhelming emotions, particularly fear of abandonment and intense feelings of anxiety, by viewing themselves, others, or situations in black-and-white, all-or-nothing terms (good vs. bad) instead of integrating complex, contradictory qualities. This protects them from pain by simplifying a confusing world, but it leads to rapid shifts between idealizing someone as perfect and devaluing them as terrible, often after minor perceived slights or triggers.
How can I help myself in the longer term?
People with BPD often have a pervasive fear of abandonment. This can lead to clingy or needy behavior, where your friend may require constant reassurance of your friendship. It can also result in extreme reactions to perceived slights or misunderstandings, which can strain the relationship.
People with BPD fear abandonment and have trouble maintaining relationships. Nevertheless, they tend to lie, which ruins trust and intimacy, fosters resentment, and harms the very relationships they fear losing. Many family members and friends of those with BPD cite lying as a major problem in their relationships.
In general, Jekyll and Hyde behavior describes intense and dramatic mood swings. In some cases, these mood swings may be a symptom of narcissistic personality disorder. They could also be related to borderline personality disorder, bipolar disorder, or other mental health issues.
Spouses of people with BPD may find themselves on an emotional roller-coaster, swinging between moments of intense connection and deep-seated conflict. This fluctuation can take an emotional toll on both spouses, requiring extra patience and empathy, as well as a strong commitment to understanding one another.
The BPD love-hate cycle, also known as idealization and devaluation, involves rapidly shifting between intense admiration and deep dislike for someone, driven by profound fear of abandonment and emotional dysregulation, creating a push-pull pattern of closeness followed by rejection, often fueled by "splitting" (seeing people as all good or all bad). This rollercoaster of intense highs and lows leaves partners confused and can lead to chaotic, painful relationship dynamics.
People with Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) are triggered by intense emotions, particularly fear of abandonment, rejection, and invalidation, often stemming from past trauma, leading to reactions like sudden anger or self-harm when feeling criticized, alone, or facing instability, sudden changes, or perceived neglect, according to sources like Borderline in the ACT. Common triggers include relationship conflicts, cancelled plans, perceived or real abandonment, reminders of trauma, or unmet needs like sleep, disrupting their fragile sense of self and emotional regulation.
BPD Meltdown
During a meltdown, people may experience extreme mood swings, impulsivity, and difficulty calming down. Understanding how BPD contributes to meltdowns is crucial for developing coping strategies and providing support to manage and navigate these overwhelming emotional experiences.
Individuals with BPD tend to have significant difficulties with relationships, especially with those closest to them, including parents, siblings, and romantic partners. Loved ones are often left feeling confused, helpless, and abused because of the erratic behavior exhibited by a person with BPD.
While we see them as “being too serious”, the problem can be bigger than what we think. People exhibiting narcissistic borderline personality disorder are confused between the fear of abandonment and grandiosity. They often idealize someone and start devaluing them as soon as they make a mistake.
Ongoing feelings of emptiness. Self-destructive behaviors such as substance abuse, binge eating, unsafe sex with multiple partners, unsafe driving, or reckless spending. Suicide attempts or self-harming behavior such as cutting, hair pulling, or burning.
The symptoms of BPD are very broad, and some can be similar to or overlap with other mental health problems, such as: Bipolar disorder. Complex post-traumatic stress disorder (C-PTSD) Depression.
Borderline personality disorder usually begins by early adulthood. The condition is most serious in young adulthood. Mood swings, anger and impulsiveness often get better with age. But the main issues of self-image and fear of being abandoned, as well as relationship issues, go on.