Psychological abusers also like to hoover around their own birthdays, especially if they are narcissistic and think the world revolves around them (think developmental age of a 5 year old).
"So often, narcissistic folks can't win on their birthdays," she says. "They want that day to be something more grandiose and corrective, and it simply can't be. Over time, people in long-term relationships of any kind with narcissists may feel tense as that person's birthday approaches."
Even when there's no apparent reason for it, the narcissist can cause drama or conflict on your birthdays just to be the center of attention. They may accuse you of flirting with someone else, not liking their gift, or saying something wrong. They can find a way to play the victim.
Birthdays, Christmas, anniversaries, even a death in the family, are all valid reasons for a narcissist to reach out to you during a period of No Contact. It may, on the surface, seem innocent enough, but in actuality they are and trying to suck you back into their control.
Hoovering is not about their love for you
The narcissist doesn't think about that because it's not about your feelings and needs—it's about getting their next attention fix. They usually hoover when they don't have a narcissistic supply or are bored with their current supply.
They Face a Setback, Disappointment, or Conflict
A narcissist can become easily enraged if a setback occurs in their life, job, or relationship. Not getting their way results in both a loss of control and a bruised ego.
The time period between Halloween and Valentine's Day is a time when survivors of abusive relationships with a narcissist may experience what is known as a "hoover"..often times narcissists will circle back to prior sources of narcissistic supply to see if they can tap (or suction up like a vacuum) prior targets' ...
Does it affect them? The Narcissist hates to be ignored and holidays are a big deal for them. Ignoring the narcissist on their birthday will definitely hurt them, unless they have enough supply to feed their ego for the day.
However, the narcissist does not take kindly to this. They call you heartless and uncaring. "How could you not already have a gift for me?" When you explain that you thought it would be better (and maybe more fun) if you went together to get a gift for him/her, they see this as an insult.
Narcissists have a tendency to practice seasonal devalue and discard during the holidays, focusing these abuse tactics on their nearest targets and closest partners. Why do they do this? Because they have no empathy and cannot handle intimate relationships and are compelled to do what it takes to destroy them.
Narcissists are attracted to certain types of people. Rather than weak, vulnerable people, they tend to go for the strong-willed and talented. They are also attracted to people who reflect well on themselves.
The truth is that nothing can make a narcissist happy, because their agenda of dominance, exploitation and oppression creates an ever-expanding chasm within their soul. The narcissist can take pleasure in the exercise of power and the subjugation of others, but they can't feel happiness from any source.
Narcissists are motivated by feeling superior and expanding their power, and so the only things that matter when helping others are receiving adulation, fame, influence, opportunities, notoriety, and other resources. They dont actually care about others because to them other people are just things to use.
Narcissists love using heightened, emotional language when text messaging with others. It's a way they can hook you into their drama and keep you responding to them. You may notice that they often send these texts after moments of disconnection (like after an argument or after you two have spent some time apart).
This is likely because they want to stand out and do what they can to gain higher status and make others unhappy. Your happiness also threatens the person's domination over your life. They realize that they aren't controlling your emotions anymore, which can be hard for them to accept.
A tactic that narcissists will often use once they realize that they've lost control over you is self-victimization. When a narcissist victimizes themselves it means that they label themselves as victims and blame their problems on external factors.
React with empathy and respect.
A narcissist thrives on conflict, and will take control of the conversation as soon as you get defensive or try to fight back. Instead, you can take control by making empathetic statements about the situation, which will help the narcissist calm down.
Essentially, Christmas is a big trigger for the Narcissist. Think about it, they love to be the centre of attention, yes even the covert Narcissist, so the fact that Christmas is all about family, various people and children, well this just puts the Narcissist's nose out of joint. It's not a good time for them.
Narcissists feel that holidays steal the spotlight that they, themselves, should own. Narcissists either try to grab it back by boasting and strong-arming everyone's attention. Alternatively, they will sabotage the celebratory mood for other people. There are two general types of narcissists, grandiose and vulnerable.
A narcissist will stop hoovering for three reasons. First, the victim set and maintained firm boundaries that took away all of the narcissistic supply. Second, the narcissist found a new source of supply. Third, the narcissists wants to manipulate the victim by making them feel inadequate, isolated, and alone.
Although narcissists act superior, entitled and boastful, underneath their larger-than-life facade lies their greatest fear: That they are ordinary. For narcissists, attention is like oxygen. Narcissists believe only special people get attention.