Playing the victim: another form of toxic maternal behavior Playing the victim often includes scapegoating a child or children, but sometimes it's primarily a form of blame-shifting and a way to get attention.
A mother's role-playing has direct effects on the child that can be long-lasting and highly damaging. Children of mothers who play the victim may feel inadequate and struggle to maintain boundaries, recognize the abuse, and voice their needs.
This is part of the complexity of narcissistic personality disorder. The tendency to have low introspection combined with an exaggerated sense of superiority may leave them unable to see the situation in a way that doesn't fit their worldview. As a result, they may “play the victim role” in some scenarios.
Be empathetic and acknowledge that they have faced painful events in their past. Don't label them as a victim as this will just make the situation worse. Identify specific unhelpful behaviors like shifting blame, complaining, and not taking responsibility. Allow them to talk and share their feelings.
The parent plays the victim.
Playing the victim is a common tendency of covert narcissists, psychopaths, and gaslighters. In a parent-child relationship, Spinelli says gaslighting parents may refuse to own their role in a problem and act as if they're always the one who was wronged.
Emotionally abusive parents may use shame and humiliation as a way to hurt their children. They may tell embarrassing stories or engage in name-calling in front of other people. This is typically done in front of the child's peers, leaving them to feel embarrassed and hurt.
Here are some of the effects of toxic parenting on you:
Children of abusive parents are more likely to suffer from post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). If you are a sensitive person, and in case, if you make mistakes that upset your parents, you can become overly self-critical and blame yourself for everything.
People who suffer from the victim syndrome are always complaining about the ―bad things that happen‖ in their lives. Because they believe they have no control over the way events unfold, they don't feel a sense of responsibility for them.
Tyrannical Victim Narcissistic Personality
This type is focused on making others feel bad so they can look better to themselves and those around them. They are always the ones who have been wronged in some way or another by other people. This makes it impossible for them to be held accountable for their own actions.
If there is one learning point to take from this chapter above all others, it is the 3 Ps – the need for personality disorder to be Problematic, Persistent and Pervasive.
Exaggerated victimhood is a common feature of narcissistic grandiosity. Narcissistic personalities often feel victimized because of their unrealistic expectations, hypersensitivity, and lack of empathy. Narcissists also play the victim to elicit sympathy and avoid responsibility for their abusive behavior.
A toxic mother may place unusual and overwhelming demands on you. They may expect you to drop everything for them and attend to their needs, even though you have your own life. If you try to say “no,” they may respond with anger, criticism, or guilt.
A toxic mother creates a negative home environment where unhealthy interactions and relationships damage a child's sense of self and their views of relationships with others. Over time, it increases the risk of poor development in the child's self-control, emotional regulation, social relations, etc1.
The term 'trauma bond' is also known as Stockholm Syndrome. It describes a deep bond which forms between a victim and their abuser. Victims of abuse often develop a strong sense of loyalty towards their abuser, despite the fact that the bond is damaging to them.
The root cause behind a victim mentality stems from a breakdown or betrayal of trust 1, which most often occurs in situations where people have experienced (or been exposed to): Traumatic experiences 2 leading to strong emotional reactions that recur over time.
The four stages of the narcissistic abuse cycle are: Idealization, Devaluation, Repetition, and Discard. In this cycle, a narcissistic partner may love-bomb you, devalue your sense of self over time, repeat the pattern, and eventually, discard you and/or the relationship.
Nightmares, flashbacks, and intrusive thoughts. Hyper-awareness, vigilance, anger, and irritability. Misplaced sense of blame, low self-worth. Avoidance of certain situations or people or a sense of detachment.
Post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) is commonly associated with physical sources of trauma, such as war, physical assault, or sexual assault. But mental health experts have come to realize that emotional abuse can lead to PTSD as well.
Most recent theories have focused on the link between narcissism and negative childhood experiences, such as physical or sexual violence, neglect, or rejection [10,11].
PTSD symptoms displayed by abused children and young people include learning difficulties, poor behaviour at school, depression and anxiety, aggression, risk-taking and criminal behaviours, emotional numbness, and a range of physical issues including poor sleep and headaches.
Exposure to child physical abuse and parents' domestic violence can subject youth to pervasive traumatic stress and lead to Post-traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD).
Impacts on Adult Daughters
If you're the daughter of a toxic mother, it's likely that you grew up feeling unsupported, unloved, and unworthy. This deep sense of inadequacy can lead to a number of problems in adulthood, including codependency, low self-esteem, and difficulty setting boundaries.