Fearful avoidants often “deactivate” their attachment systems due to repeated rejections by others9. When they are in distress, they deactivate their attachment behavior. Consequently, the more upset their romantic partner is, the less likely a fearful-avoidant adult is to offer comfort and support10.
Every avoidant is different, but deactivation generally lasts anywhere from a few days to a few weeks. Most fearful avoidants will reach out or begin responding again after 2 – 5 days because they want connection and feel happier in relationships.
So avoidants exist in a state of not consciously fearing real loss, only engulfment, and by initiating a breakup they may in fact subconsciously be trying to access that fear of loss - often the only way they can truly appreciate what their partner means them (and just as strategies they use within a relationship to ...
Avoidant deactivation is a coping mechanism that people use when they feel threatened in a relationship or situation. Avoidant individuals tend to have a fear of intimacy and fear that they will be rejected or hurt if they get too close to someone.
A dismissive-avoidant will shut down when approached with inconsistent communication. Over time a Dismissive-avoidant will stop trying to bridge the gap in emotional connection and slowly give up on the relationship.
Fearful avoidants often “deactivate” their attachment systems due to repeated rejections by others9. When they are in distress, they deactivate their attachment behavior. Consequently, the more upset their romantic partner is, the less likely a fearful-avoidant adult is to offer comfort and support10.
Many dismissive avoidants feel relieved when a relationship ends. They struggle so much being in relationship, so when it ends, they feel relief from the stress of trying to be in a relationship. But there are just as many dismissive avoidants, if not more, who feel anger towards an ex after a break-up.
This response isn't to suggest that avoidant attachers don't feel the pain of a breakup – they do. They're just prone to pushing down their heartbreak and attempting to carry on with life as normal.
When someone with an avoidant attachment emotionally “shuts down” like this, they may seem cold and uncaring to their romantic partner. But remember, these actions are subconscious – it's not that they don't care. They've just been taught from an early age to protect themselves by shutting down their attachment system.
A fearful avoidant during no contact acts slightly differently from other attachment styles. Going no contact with them can become extremely distracting and often requires a lot of discipline. The fearful-avoidant does not express remorse or sadness over heartbreak in the initial weeks of the breakup.
If you feel that your avoidant partner isn't recognizing your love or reciprocating your efforts, it's time to leave. While you might feel emotions like sadness, anger, fear, or grief, this is all part of the healing process. Allow yourself to feel the painful feelings of your breakup.
Whereas the avoidant is someone afraid of intimacy and emotional closeness and has a high need for independence and solitude. If your ex has an anxious attachment style, they likely moved on slower than an average person. Whereas if they have an avoidant one, they likely moved on faster than an average person.
Do avoidants ever come back? Yes, but let's clarify. Avoidants do sometimes cycle back around to those they have shut out, disappeared on, and ignored. However, just because they come back this doesn't mean this is a viable relationship.
Yes, the dismissive avoidant misses you, but they miss you later on. In the beginning they're going to be relieved that they have their freedom. They can get their independence back and they get to go and do what they want to do without having to answer any questions to anybody.
Avoidant people often long for relationships when they are alone although they use “deactivating strategies” to cope. “Deactivating strategies” are those mental processes by which the Avoidant person convinces themselves that being alone is just as good or better than being in relationship.
Rejection, for those who are fearful-avoidant, can also feel terrifying. In fact, many times this fearful style can lead them to perceive threat and rejection all around them. They have often not developed the mechanisms to deal with loss earlier in their lives and therefore struggle to make sense of things.
In a Love Avoidants mind, intimacy with another person is equivalent to being engulfed, suffocated, and controlled. Too much closeness can literally cause them to feel like they are losing themselves, and yes, it can even feel like dying. (that is how intense their fears can be).
On top of that, their unnecessary fear causes them to lose emotional attachment with their partner. In short, they become different people altogether. Overall, love avoidants start to grow distant as soon as their relationship develops.
Because people with an avoidant attachment style fear not being lovable or good enough, feeling criticized or judged by loved ones can be particularly painful. Especially when it comes to things that they are not so comfortable with, such as their emotions and feelings.
Right away when you go no contact with a dismissive avoidant, if they were the one to break up with you or vice versa, they are going to feel some sort of relief. You have to remember, for the dismissive avoidant, they're taking a gamble by getting into a committed relationship with you.
Even with all the support in the world, someone with an avoidant attachment style will still need personal space from time to time. This is because avoidant attachers are driven towards independent experiences, but this doesn't mean that they don't equally value their time with their partners.
People with an avoidant attachment style tend to cope with abandonment issues by not allowing people to get close to them, and not opening up and trusting others. They may be characteristically distant, private, or withdrawn.
People with an avoidant attachment style believe that they can only rely on themselves for comfort and support because they have learned that others could not be relied upon to meet their critical needs. Seeking help from others evokes a powerful fear of being abandoned, rejected, or disappointed.
Avoidants tend to not want to give anything or anybody their time or their energy. If it doesn't serve them any purpose, they won't do it. So if they are with you and they are giving you their time, that is a really good indication that they care about you and they are putting you as a priority.
The avoidant attacher is most comfortable with physical and/or emotional distance. One of their main “protest strategies” is to emotionally distance themselves to self-protect and regain a sense of control and independence in the relationship.