If forgiving someone guarantees that they're back in your life, and if that puts those around you (like your children or family) at risk. If that person pressures you to partake in negative behaviors, for example, drinking if you're sober. If that person doesn't respect your boundaries.
In these circumstances, forgiveness might not be sufficient: The relationship is abusive. If your partner is physically or verbally abusive, or if they are consistently gaslighting you, your partner does not have your best interests at heart, even if they've apologized for their actions in the past.
To not hurt people is the right thing to do too, but some still do it. Don't confuse this with ego or stubbornness; no, the unwillingness to forgive can also speak to more confident, sacred feelings of self-worth. Plus, you can still move on and “heal” without letting people back into your life.
In simple terms, the difference between acceptance and forgiveness is that forgiveness means letting go of the past. It allows you to move forward. Acceptance means you're not going to let the past define who you are now.
On the other hand, Trust is not the same as forgiveness. Trust requires consistent action by the offender in order for trust to be granted. Trust has to be rebuilt, and while forgiveness is a part of that rebuilding process, granting forgiveness does not mean you're granting trust, too.
This can include physical abuse, emotional manipulation, verbal harassment, controlling behaviors, cheating, lying, disrespect, and any form of discrimination.
Manipulation of any form, including gaslighting, is on the list of unforgivable things in a relationship. In this case of gaslighting, partners deny they're doing anything wrong and distort things so much that you question your reality. If you want specific examples, you must contact a therapist.
“Toxic forgiveness” refers to forgiving someone when you still feel hurt or haven't gotten closure, explains the story. This can cause trauma or even erode your mental health. But Enright says the whole idea that forgiveness could be toxic is a “misunderstanding of what forgiving another person actually is.”
They think that if they forgive someone, they can hurt them again. Shameful experiences: bringing up old hurting that can seem shameful for ourselves, often stop us from forgiving others.
Move On in the Way That's Right for You
The positive effects of forgiveness can only help you heal if it's something you choose, therapists say. According to Deborah Schurman-Kauflin, it is completely possible to move on and heal from trauma without forgiving the perpetrator.
Forgive a slip, but don't forgive an affair
Now, of course, cheating should not be condoned, but if your partner has had one slip, and doesn't repeat the mistake, forgive them, and use it to strengthen your bond (Here's how you can use infidelity to make your relationship better).
Overly controlling behavior is a common red flag in relationships. People that try to control your movements, decisions, or beliefs are more concerned about what they want than what is best for you. If a guy or girl tries to control what you wear or where you go, this could be a red flag.
A refusal to listen or even discuss an issue you've brought up is one of the most toxic behaviors of all. Stonewalling is frustrating, confusing, and demeaning all at once. After all, it is unrealistic to expect that two people are never going to want change.
Stonewalling is when a person in a relationship withdraws from an interaction, shuts down, and simply stops responding to their partner. Rather than confronting the issue, people who stonewall resort to evasive maneuvers.
Healthy relationships make you feel good about yourself — unhealthy relationships don't. Lying, cheating, jealousy, and disrespect are signs of an unhealthy relationship. So is trying to control a partner.
Unhealthy and Abusive Relationships
These behaviors can include grabbing, pushing, pinching, yelling, making demeaning comments, hitting, strangulation of the neck, not letting you spend time with friends or family, or making you feel guilty for not spending time with your partner.
Unrealistic expectations include things like wanting your partner to change their values, be the source of all your happiness or go against their natural masculine or feminine polarity. Don't expect your partner to react or feel the same way you do. And never expect perfection.
The negative consequences of not forgiving has been documented in studies that show that it can lead to emotional pain of anger, hate, hurt, resentment, bitterness and so on and as a consequence can create health issues, affect relationships and stop us from experiencing the freedom that forgiveness enables.
But hold on, forgiving someone doesn't mean you have to let them keep hurting you. You're not a doormat. First of all, you can forgive someone and go your separate ways. There's nothing wrong with keeping your distance from people who bring negative energy into your life.