Stonewalling is oftentimes a tactic learned during childhood. It may have been a behavior their parents used to "keep the peace" or to gain dominance in the family hierarchy. Even if the stonewalling appears intentional and aggressive, remember that it's often used by people who feel powerless or have low self-worth.
Men are consistently more likely to stonewall than women. They will withdraw emotionally from conflict discussions while women remain emotionally engaged. 85% of stonewallers studied in the Love Lab were men. When women stonewall, it is quite predictive of divorce.
“Stonewalling is actually a learned defense mechanism that might stem from an unpleasant emotional or physical reaction someone has experienced in the past. Or your partner may simply not be able to express how they feel so instead they shut down,” Dr. Dannaram said.
The “stonewaller” personality is the behavior of an individual who tends to shut down during an argument and refuses to communicate or even cooperate. This person is emotionally closed off, and at times it could be extremely hard to reach them.
It's often very frustrating for the person on the receiving end who might want to know what's wrong but be unable to get an answer – if it continues it can lead to them feeling resentful. Stonewalling can also be used as a form of control in a relationship.
Narcissist Stonewalling
Stonewalling is the refusal to communicate with someone. This means that your spouse refuses to listen to you and your concerns. Stonewalling is one of the most prevalent narcissistic abuse techniques.
Stonewalling, or the refusal to communicate with someone meaningfully, is a form of emotional abuse that can harm relationships and self-esteem. This type of behavior can create higher levels of stress, depression, and anxiety among those who experience it. It may also adversely affect a person's physical health.
In many cases, the person doing the stonewalling is not trying to be irritating or mean-spirited. Instead, they likely try to withdraw because the situation feels too emotionally overpowering. For some people, stonewalling can be a coping mechanism, a form of protection against feeling overwhelmed.
Gottman and Gottman describe stonewalling as a relationship red flag. Usually used as a direct response to contempt, stonewalling occurs when “the listener withdraws from interaction, shuts down, and stops responding to their partner.”
Stonewalling, which happens when someone stops communication altogether, is one of the most toxic forms of passive-aggressive behaviors, says Manly. It's also a leading predictor of divorce.
Stonewalling Can Cause Disrespect Between Partners
"When someone shuts you out, it can feel quite disrespectful, even hurtful. In love that lasts, there is also respect. When couples get to a point of not feeling respected by one another, they are in trouble and should seek help," says Roest-Gyimah.
Stonewalling Effects on Victim
In fact, Gottman and Levenson (2000) described the presence of stonewalling as one of the surest signs that a relationship might soon end. He observed that stonewalling sends the clear message that the stonewaller is not interested in trying to save, or even work on, the relationship.
The emotional effects of stonewalling include a sense of helplessness, worthlessness, and powerlessness. It can have a serious impact on a person's self-esteem. This is a natural response particularly, as stonewalling is widely considered a form of gaslighting.
The Four Horsemen: Criticism, Contempt, Defensiveness, and Stonewalling. Being able to identify the Four Horsemen in your conflict discussions is a necessary first step to eliminating them and replacing them with healthy, productive communication patterns.
A break is usually short while stonewalling can last hours, days, or even longer. Stonewalling is considered a type of psychologically abusive behavior of the passive-aggressive kind. It involves entirely shutting the other person out and ignoring them, which causes them to feel like they are worthless and unimportant.
In some cases, stonewalling is a trauma response. Those who experienced trauma, perhaps as a child or in previous relationship, will sometimes develop stonewalling as a coping mechanisism. It is a form of self preservation, like someone who passes out under extreme stress.
Define stonewalling
Evidence reveals that it happens when a partner feels overwhelmed, shuts down emotionally, and breaks eye contact. It is seen in both healthy and dysfunctional relationships.
This disconnect is what flips the victim into the role of the abuser in a way that they're repetitively reinforced (both positively & negatively) to never see or even acknowledge, and with a mountain of pain & cognitive dissonance to permanently hide it away.
Financial losses, physical or emotional illness, deaths, geographical changes, sexual dysfunction, problems with children, family pressures, new career demands, or even crises of faith can take one partner down while the other is still intact.
The consequences of ignoring a partner
What is harmful about stonewalling is the person who is silent has more of the power, explains Ms Khuman. "They are the one that is deciding when the relationship will come back into connection. That's why it is harmful for the relationship, it's an imbalance of power."
Try to forgive
Stonewalling manipulation is hurtful, but it's vital to approach it with a forgiving heart, especially when you know the other person is having difficulty expressing themself or struggles with conflict. In those situations, it takes you to put forth the extra effort.