Narcissists are worried about losing control and becoming too vulnerable, because if they becoming vulnerable, they are susceptible to feeling their shame. It is nearly impossible to achieve true closeness with a controlling and distance person.
In sum, for vulnerable narcissism, the experience of shame relates to evaluating the self more negatively and struggling between wanting to be close to others but also not trusting others. It should be also considered that both grandiose and vulnerable narcissistic traits can be present within the same person [6, 68].
By unloading their shame onto others, with accusations and insults, narcissists can re-route their shame. They project their pain onto other people, and make them feel bad about themselves, so they can feel slightly better.
Interestingly, researchers now believe that deep-rooted shame is often involved in the development of narcissistic personality disorder (NPD).
It is the narcissist's envy that causes their constant denigration of others. This may indeed quieten their shame for a while, but it does not conquer it. The narcissist's unacknowledged shame often leads to their displays of shamelessness, lack of compassion, rage, and entitled grandiosity.
Being Humiliated
Feeling embarrassed or humiliated is painful for anyone, but narcissists are especially reactive to those emotions. To avoid such feelings, narcissists may preemptively humiliate people around them to gain the upper hand.
Shame dumping is another coping mechanism. What this means is that the shame message is reversed. For example, if someone comes to you and says, “Hey, why didn't you take care of this chore like you said you would?” The person dealing with unhealthy shame may respond with, “Are you serious?
Shame produces an implosion of the body: head lowered, eyes closed or hidden, and the upper body curved in on itself as if trying to be as small as possible (the bodily acting out of the wish to disappear).
Narcissists do not focus on anything that contradicts their inflated view of themselves. Unless they have had a lot of successful psychotherapy for their NPD, they do not feel guilt, shame, or self-doubt so long as their narcissistic defenses hold.
Narcissistic rage occurs when a narcissist is confronted with contrary beliefs about their perceived importance or grandiosity. The narcissist is injured, and responds with anger. Being on the receiving end of this rage can produce feelings ranging from anxiety to downright terror.
Narcissistic personalities tend to be formed by emotional injury as a result of overwhelming shame, loss or deprivation during childhood. The irony is that despite showing an outwardly strong personality, deep down these individuals suffer from profound alienation, emptiness and lack of meaning.
Last, vulnerable narcissists tend to be insecure and defensive. They admit to feeling bad about themselves, which makes some people question why they are considered narcissistic.
Narcissistic collapse happens when a person with narcissistic personality disorder experiences a failure, humiliation, or other blow to their secretly fragile self-esteem. Depending on the type of narcissist, collapse may look different and happen more frequently.
Blaming and Projecting. Narcissists are known for never taking responsibility for anything that they are doing wrong, and denying any wrongdoings or negative character traits. They always blame others for everything, even if its clearly their own fault.
Low self-worth/confidence/esteem is at the core of a narcissism. This low sense of self naturally makes it extremely easy for them to become jealous – very jealous. And not just about anyone potentially interested in you romantically, but anyone or anything that can take the focus off of them.
Let's take a look at some of the potential causes of shame: Childhood trauma or neglect. Any mental health disorder that involves self-criticism or judgment (e.g., social anxiety disorder) Not living up to overly high standards that you set for yourself.
Shame can be a contributing factor in depression, anxiety, and low self-esteem.
A shame-rage cycle describes feelings that can occur when an individual is shamed (by being made fun of, humiliated, embarrassed, etc) and the negative feelings associated cause aggressive behaviors. The rage or aggression occurs as a means of avoiding the negative feelings of shame.