Cheating causes significant trauma, often leading to symptoms akin to Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD), known as Post-Infidelity Stress Disorder (PISD), which includes anxiety, intrusive thoughts, nightmares, hypervigilance, emotional numbness, and a shattered sense of self-trust and reality. The betrayed partner experiences deep humiliation, confusion, and fear, struggling with shattered security, trust issues, and potential triggers from everyday situations, making healing a complex process of rebuilding self-worth and trust.
Some individual treatment options for infidelity PTSD include CBT, trauma-informed therapies, family therapy, DBT, and EMDR. Additionally, someone working through betrayal but wanting to stay with their partner may want to seek couples therapy.
A cheating man's mindset often involves a mix of selfishness, insecurity, and entitlement, driven by a desire for validation, excitement, or escape from relationship issues, leading to rationalizations like blaming his partner or minimizing the affair's impact, while lacking empathy or remorse for the betrayal. They might feel inadequate and seek external affirmation, crave power, or struggle with commitment, sometimes seeing the affair as a solution rather than acknowledging deeper relationship problems, say experts.
Specific emotional manifestations of infidelity-based trauma include feelings of extreme anger, betrayal, insecurity, rage, shame, guilt, jealousy and sadness [24,31,33,34,35,36,37,38,39,40]. Depressive symptoms following the disclosure of an affair are commonplace for victims of infidelity [30,33,38,41].
Well, it feels like every nerve in your body has either frozen or left your vessel completely. Your body literally enters a state of shock; adrenaline. You are absolutely stripped. Vulnerability. Disbelief. Disgust. Horror. Anger. Confusion. Shattering, crippling, traumatizing heart-break.
Although not everyone experiences each stage and they can occur in any order, these stages are:
Men still cheat more than women overall, but the gender gap is narrowing among younger generations. Infidelity rates peak at different age ranges for men (60-69) and women (50-59), showing age-specific patterns. Both psychological factors and relationship dynamics influence cheating behavior across all demographics.
Infidelity trauma leads to a wide range of reactions, some immediate, others taking time to emerge and make themselves known. Anger and rage, disbelief, confusion, insecurity, anxiety, and deep sadness—these emotions often crash over the betrayed partner in waves, unpredictable and overwhelming.
Betrayal triggers our nervous system's threat response, flooding our body with stress hormones like cortisol and adrenaline. This explains why betrayal can lead to physical symptoms, including difficulty sleeping, changes in appetite, rapid heartbeat, digestive issues, and chronic tension.
Cheating is an active choice people make when they feel something is missing in their lives or within them. Cheating, in its many forms, is always ego-driven i.e., people cheat for selfish reasons, not because of their partner. It's often a combination of factors like low self-esteem, dissatisfaction, and opportunity.
The 80/20 rule in relationships explains cheating as the temptation to abandon a solid partner (80% good) for someone new who seems to offer the missing 20% of needs, a pursuit often leading to regret as the new person lacks the original 80%. Infidelity often arises from focusing on flaws (the 20%) rather than appreciating the substantial good (the 80%), making an affair partner seem appealing for fulfilling that small gap, but ultimately resulting in losing the valuable foundation of the primary relationship.
One thing that cheaters often do is say one thing and do another. For example, it is so easy for someone to tell you they love you, but when you never see them perform any actions that indicate that they love you like: doing something thoughtful like buying you flowers, well, then this could be a red flag.
Cheating on a partner doesn't always mean love is gone.
Many who cheat still feel love for their partner and guilt for the infidelity. Cheating can stem from emotional distance, insecurity, or the fear of missing out. Addiction, stress, or past trauma can drive infidelity without negating love.
Understanding the stages of betrayal trauma can help you determine where you are in the process and give you a sense of direction in healing.
Does the Pain of Being Cheated on Ever Go Away? It's hard to say if it ever truly completely goes away. The memory will always be there, causing understandable caution or even apprehension in future relationships. But at the same time, it does not mean that you cannot have a meaningful and fulfilling life.
10 signs of an unhealthy relationship
7 Types Of Betrayal That Are As Hurtful As Affairs
Betrayal doesn't just “hurt your feelings.” It shatters your nervous system, hijacks your sense of reality, and rewires your brain for fear and hypervigilance.
Betrayal Leads to Feelings of Shame and Self-Blame
You might wonder, “What did I do wrong?” This is especially true if the betrayal involved gaslighting or manipulation. The emotional roller coaster if betrayal can trigger a whirlwind of emotions – anger, sadness, confusion, even self-loathing.
It may also be a symptom associated with certain personality disorders, including narcissistic, histrionic, antisocial, and borderline personality disorders. Finally, people with substance use disorders may be more inclined to cheat when they're under the influence.
Mistakes After Infidelity: What To Avoid After Cheating Happens To You
The best stance for therapists to take is encouraging clients to explore all of their feelings about the affair and their marriage or partnership and to help them hold all of these intense emotions, though not necessarily at once.
There isn't one single "best" predictor of cheating; rather, it's a combination of factors, with relationship dissatisfaction, low sexual satisfaction, mismatched sexual desire, and poor communication being the strongest predictors, often alongside individual traits like insecure attachment styles, impulsivity, and a history of infidelity. Ultimately, a lack of emotional connection and unresolved relationship issues significantly increase the risk, according to this Psychology Today article, this National Institutes of Health article, and this Medium article.
The 777 rule for marriage is a relationship guideline to keep couples connected by scheduling specific, regular quality time: a date night every 7 days, a night away (getaway) every 7 weeks, and a romantic holiday every 7 months, often without kids, to foster intimacy, reduce stress, and prevent routine from overtaking the relationship. It's about consistent, intentional efforts to prioritize the partnership.
1. Lack of Honesty. Often when we think of honesty, notably honesty in marital relationships, we think of a very tangible “where were you last night” kind of honesty. While this is obviously critically important, there are many other kinds of dishonesty that can destroy marriages.