However, when one partner shuts down or withdraws, he or she is defending against intense emotion. Withdrawing is a defense mechanism, and although defense mechanisms are necessary, universal, and human, when ignited, they render a person less capable of resolving conflict.
He fears commitment or loves his freedom more
Perhaps he feels the relationship has moved forward too fast. Or, he probably feels he is still young and does not want to settle down. Some men love the thrill of the chase and the new bonding as they find it more enticing, but they fear serious long-term relationships.
Sometimes, they really do just need to zone out and not talk. Sometimes, they do get frozen with work stress. They may have no clue what's bothering them or they may be wrestling with depression, fears of intimacy, or worries about the future. Don't act like you're the problem until he tells you that you are.
“Stonewalling is actually a learned defense mechanism that might stem from an unpleasant emotional or physical reaction someone has experienced in the past. Or your partner may simply not be able to express how they feel so instead they shut down,” Dr. Dannaram said.
Stonewalling has a very destructive effect on a relationship. As a very negative form of communication, it breaks down any intimacy in a relationship leading partners to withdraw from each other. This can easily lead to couples leading very separate lives without any shared activities or interests.
Sometimes men try to act distant due to fear of rejection. He may think he is not in your league, you are with someone, want to keep his options open, and want you to approach him are the common reasons for acting distant.
Over time, men get really good at turning off their emotions or coping with their feelings in a way that is more acceptable for males. It creates a cycle of toxic masculinity, which can be hard to break once it's a habit.
Men are consistently more likely to stonewall than women. They will withdraw emotionally from conflict discussions while women remain emotionally engaged. 85% of stonewallers studied in the Love Lab were men. When women stonewall, it is quite predictive of divorce.
For the stonewalled partner:
Use a softened start-up. Remember that the way a conversation begins, is also how it ends over 90% of the time. Make “I statements” about how you feel that are grounded in facts, not opinions. Describe what you want with clarity and ask for help in getting it.
Stonewalling Maybe Rooted In Trauma
In some cases, stonewalling is a trauma response. Those who experienced trauma, perhaps as a child or in previous relationship, will sometimes develop stonewalling as a coping mechanisism. It is a form of self preservation, like someone who passes out under extreme stress.
Stonewalling is when someone emotionally shuts down and withdraws from the interaction. It can appear they are ignoring you, pretending you aren't there, and are angry. What is really happening is the person is in diffuse physiological arousal (DPA) or also known as being flooded.
While stonewalling communicates to your partner that you are no longer willing to deal with the problem, taking a break can help them see that the problem is important to you and that you care enough to work it out under better circumstances when you can approach it less emotionally.
If your partner is ignoring you, communicate with them directly. “Sometimes we think we have made it clear what we need by dropping hints here and there, but often we haven't made it clear to our partner how we feel,” says May. “Lack of communication is one of the biggest things that kills a relationship.
Many guys hate failing and feeling inadequate. They often don't have the speed of words to compete with their partner in a conflict. Men's emotional processing capacity is often much slower than their partner. Whilst being silent is a sign of a man's need to process it is also a way to avoid the feelings of defeat.
The simple answer to the above questions is yes. When you walk away and make him miss you, it's typical for a man to come back to you. The power of silence after a breakup is highly effective in making your partner come back. To start with, going silent after a breakup is a sign of confidence and self-esteem.
In general, the silent treatment is a manipulation tactic that can leave important issues in a relationship unresolved. It also can leave the partner on the receiving end feeling worthless, unloved, hurt, confused, frustrated, angry, and unimportant.