Abandonment issues, specifically an intense fear of real or imagined abandonment, are a core symptom of Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD), leading to frantic efforts to avoid it, unstable relationships, impulsivity, mood swings, and self-harm. While BPD is strongly linked, other disorders like Dependent Personality Disorder (DPD) also involve relationship difficulties, but BPD's fear of abandonment is central and extreme.
People with borderline personality disorder have a strong fear of abandonment or being left alone. Even though they want to have loving and lasting relationships, the fear of being abandoned often leads to mood swings and anger. It also leads to impulsiveness and self-injury that may push others away.
Abandonment issues are rooted in fears of being deserted or rejected and can manifest into trust issues, jealousy, and codependency, often stemming from childhood trauma, unstable relationships, or loss.
People with borderline personality disorder fear rejection and abandonment, partly because they do not want to be alone. Doctors diagnose borderline personality disorder based on specific symptoms, including frequent changes in relationships, self-image, and mood as well as self-destructive, impulsive behavior.
They may project feelings of worthlessness or fear of abandonment onto others, which can exacerbate their emotional turmoil and complicate interpersonal dynamics. For instance, a person with BPD might accuse their partner of being emotionally unavailable, reflecting their own internal struggles with intimacy.
Borderline Personality Disorder
The "3 C's of BPD" typically refer to advice for loved ones of someone with Borderline Personality Disorder, reminding them: "I didn't cause it, I can't cure it, I can't control it," to help set boundaries and avoid taking on undue responsibility for the person's actions or illness. Another set of "C's" describes core BPD traits for individuals: Clinginess (fear of abandonment), Conflict (intense relationships/moods), and Confusion (unstable self-image).
BPD-related psychosis typically differs from other psychotic disorders as symptoms are usually brief, stress-triggered, and the person often maintains some reality testing. Psychotic symptoms in BPD can include paranoia, auditory hallucinations, visual distortions, and severe dissociative episodes.
Emotional instability and insecurity
One hallmark of abandonment trauma is emotional instability. Individuals who have experienced abandonment often struggle with intense and fluctuating emotions. They live with a constant sense of insecurity, fearing that those they care about will leave.
Why BPD Symptoms Peak in Early Adulthood. In the 20s, identity formation and independence conflict with emotional vulnerability. Research shows impulsivity and mood swings occur most frequently between the ages of 18-25.
When dealing with abandonment trauma, unprocessed emotions can manifest in physical symptoms and tension. Common places where abandonment trauma is stored in the body include: The Chest – Feelings of heartbreak, loneliness, or anxiety can create tightness in the chest, shallow breathing, or even panic attacks.
Some events that can lead to abandonment trauma include, but are not limited to: Death of a parent or family member. Divorce of parents. Abuse, including emotional or physical.
People with abandonment issues in friendships may also seek constant reassurance. You might need frequent affirmations that your friend still cares about you, which can sometimes lead to anxiety if those affirmations aren't given regularly. Jealousy or possessiveness can also show up.
BPD Meltdown
During a meltdown, people may experience extreme mood swings, impulsivity, and difficulty calming down. Understanding how BPD contributes to meltdowns is crucial for developing coping strategies and providing support to manage and navigate these overwhelming emotional experiences.
Three Signs of Abandonment Beliefs during Bipolar Depression
You feel that EVERYONE and EVERYTHING is leaving you. The abandonment feelings are not attached to an event. Events (triggers) can exacerbate your feelings of abandonment, but you will NOT be able to find proof that abandonment is actually happening.
Stressful or traumatic life events
Often having felt afraid, upset, unsupported or invalidated. Family difficulties or instability, such as living with a parent or carer who experienced an addiction. Sexual, physical or emotional abuse or neglect. Losing a parent.
Signs of childhood trauma
Shattering, Withdrawal, Internalizing, Rage, and Lifting. Each of these stages relate to different aspects of human functioning and trigger different emotional responses. The first letter of each of these words spell SWIRL, a great description of the cyclonic nature of the intensity of healing abandonment.
The 3-6-9 month rule is a popular relationship guideline suggesting key developmental stages: 3 months marks the end of the honeymoon phase, revealing flaws; 6 months tests compatibility and emotional depth as the "real" person emerges; and 9 months is when couples assess long-term potential, discussing major life goals and deciding if they're planning a future together, helping to move from casual dating to a more committed partnership.
Don't…
In quiet BPD, instead of confronting them or bursting out in rage, you shut down. You may disappear, ignore the offender, unfriend them on social media, or give them the silent treatment. If you don't give others a chance to explain or to try and mend the relationship, they may not even be aware of what has happened.
To tell if someone has Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD), look for patterns of intense mood swings, unstable relationships, a distorted self-image, chronic emptiness, impulsivity, intense anger, fear of abandonment, self-harm, and stress-related paranoia or dissociation; a diagnosis requires a mental health professional to assess at least five of these core symptoms, which often overlap with other conditions, making professional evaluation crucial.
While we see them as “being too serious”, the problem can be bigger than what we think. People exhibiting narcissistic borderline personality disorder are confused between the fear of abandonment and grandiosity. They often idealize someone and start devaluing them as soon as they make a mistake.
Individuals with BPD tend to have significant difficulties with relationships, especially with those closest to them, including parents, siblings, and romantic partners. Loved ones are often left feeling confused, helpless, and abused because of the erratic behavior exhibited by a person with BPD.
The 7 key signs of emotional abuse often involve Isolation, Verbal Abuse (insults/yelling), Blame-Shifting/Guilt, Manipulation/Control, Gaslighting (making you doubt reality), Humiliation/Degradation, and Threats/Intimidation. These behaviors aim to control you, erode your self-worth, and make you dependent, creating a pattern of fear, anxiety, and low self-esteem, even without physical harm.