While there's no single "biggest" reason, experts point to feeling unappreciated, lack of intimacy, constant conflict (criticism, contempt), and communication breakdown as leading factors, often stemming from emotional disconnection, a loss of admiration, and unaddressed resentment over many years, which can lead men to seek validation or an escape elsewhere.
Toxic relationships, being used, feeling emotionally spent, or meeting someone new could also contribute to what makes a man leave his wife. A wife left behind may be wondering what happened to her once-happy relationship. Going to couples counseling and communicating with her husband may help save the marriage.
The four behaviors that predict over 90% of divorces, known as Dr. John Gottman's "Four Horsemen," are Criticism, Contempt, Defensiveness, and Stonewalling, which erode connection, respect, and safety, leading to relationship breakdown. These destructive communication patterns, if persistent, signal that a marriage is likely to end, with contempt being the most damaging.
1. Lack of Honesty. Often when we think of honesty, notably honesty in marital relationships, we think of a very tangible “where were you last night” kind of honesty. While this is obviously critically important, there are many other kinds of dishonesty that can destroy marriages.
The reasons that men listed for divorce were:
Contempt. Of all the predictive factors, contempt is the most prominent one. Based on extensive research, Dr Gottman names the 'Four Horsemen' or four communication habits that are the best predictors of divorce.
Approximately 18% of men reported one spouse's unfaithfulness as the reason behind the divorce filing. That isn't to say that almost one in five men file for divorce because their spouse cheated. Some men had extramarital affairs that pushed them into filing for divorce.
The 777 rule for marriage is a relationship guideline to keep couples connected by scheduling specific, regular quality time: a date night every 7 days, a night away (getaway) every 7 weeks, and a romantic holiday every 7 months, often without kids, to foster intimacy, reduce stress, and prevent routine from overtaking the relationship. It's about consistent, intentional efforts to prioritize the partnership.
Gottman studied more than 2,000 married couples over two decades and found four attitudes that most predict the dissolution of a relationship, especially in combination. They are criticism, defensiveness, contempt and stonewalling — the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
The Three A's – Adultery, Abuse, and Addiction
Therapists would love for every marriage to be able to be saved, but that just simply isn't realistic. Every marriage therapist knows when a couple comes into their office and are dealing with one of what we call, The Three A's …
The most important aspect for predicting whether or not the marriage will end is the attempts the couple makes at de-escalating tension. Failure to do so is a reliable sign divorce is in their futures.
Dr. John Gottman dubbed the four most destructive communication patterns that predict divorce and separation as "The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse": Criticism, Defensiveness, Contempt, and Stonewalling. Which of the Four Horsemen is the most serious? Contempt is the most serious of the Horsemen.
If there's abuse, drug use, or alcoholism, infidelity, or a plain inability to overcome the past, then a divorce may be the better option. And, while separation is a viable option, it can put you at risk if your spouse is taking advantage of you financially.
The biggest red flags in a guy include controlling behavior, excessive jealousy, manipulation (like gaslighting), lack of empathy, and anger management issues, often seen through verbal abuse, aggression, or emotional outbursts, all indicating deeper emotional instability and poor communication. Other significant signs are disrespect, constant criticism, dishonesty, refusing emotional intimacy, blame-shifting, and a pattern of love bombing followed by devaluation, suggesting an unhealthy dynamic.
Some of the common signs of a marriage not working and heading for divorce are: A lack of communication. A lack of intimacy. A disregard for one another's feelings.
The "3-3-3 rule" for breakups is a guideline suggesting 3 days for emotional release, 3 weeks for reflection, and 3 months for intentional rebuilding/healing, helping people process a split in stages. It's a simplified framework for managing grief, contrasting with longer models, and aims to create space for personal growth by focusing on self-improvement and gaining perspective after the initial shock of the breakup, though individual healing times vary greatly and aren't set in stone.
The 2-2-2 rule for marriage is a guideline to keep a relationship strong and connected: have a date night every two weeks, a weekend getaway every two months, and a week-long vacation every two years. This system encourages regular, intentional quality time, breaks from routine, and deeper connection by ensuring couples prioritize each other amidst daily life, work, and family, preventing stagnation and fostering fun.
The four major signs of divorce, known as "The Four Horsemen", identified by relationship researchers like John Gottman, are Criticism, Contempt, Defensiveness, and Stonewalling, which predict relationship failure through destructive communication patterns like attacking character, showing disgust, making excuses, and shutting down during conflict. These behaviors create a cycle of negativity that erodes fondness and admiration, leading to emotional distance and potential separation, with contempt being the most damaging.
The Top 5 Things That Destroy a Marriage
Take a look at these 10 signs of a healthy relationship.
They can do that by understanding the “Seven C's” of marriage which include the Command for marriage, a Commitment to marriage, Communication, Couple time, agreeing on issues with their Currency, putting Christ at the center of the marriage, and supporting each other's endeavors in the Community.
You're being a wimp when you're not in your power, not confident, not compassionate, not loving, not clear about what's right and wrong, and not willing to take a stand for you or for those you love. Let me tell you about Ben, a man who was in one of the men's groups I led. Ben thought he had a great marriage.
Understanding the Emotional Stages of Divorce for Men