An example of insecure attachment is someone who becomes clingy and anxious in relationships, constantly needing reassurance and fearing abandonment (anxious-preoccupied), or someone who pushes partners away and avoids intimacy, seeming emotionally distant (avoidant). In children, it looks like inconsistent "push-pull" behavior, seeking comfort but then flinching from the caregiver, or freezing and shutting down during stress.
“Insecure attachment is fundamentally a survival strategy,” she explains. The idea is that we change our response to our caregivers to get our needs met. Sometimes that means ramping up the crying, screaming, or being unsoothable to keep our parents' attention, she explains.
Secure attachment in adults is typically characterized by trust, stability, and a balance between intimacy and independence. Insecure attachment (anxious, avoidant, or disorganized) tends to involve emotional distance, inconsistent reactions to intimacy and conflict, and a fear of abandonment.
Examples of Secure Attachment
After calling a friend of his to talk it through, he returns to his wife, apologizes for his behavior, and asks how he can do better next time. She makes a vulnerable request for what she needs. Both spouses in this scenario demonstrate examples of secure attachment.
Anxious attachment tends to manifest as clinginess, overthinking, or emotional volatility, particularly in romantic relationships. Insecure attachment also includes avoidant and disorganized styles. Avoidant attachment involves discomfort with closeness and a tendency to suppress emotions or keep others at a distance.
Signs of insecure attachment:
What Is the Unhealthiest Attachment Style? Anxious attachment styles, disorganized attachment styles, and avoidant attachment styles are considered insecure/unhealthy forms of attachment.
Insecure attachment often develops when a child's emotional needs aren't consistently met. Maybe their parents were dealing with their own mental health struggles or substance abuse issues. Or perhaps the child experienced neglect, abuse, or trauma.
The disorganized (or fearful-avoidant) attachment style is generally considered the hardest to love because it combines anxious and avoidant traits, creating chaotic "push-pull" dynamics where individuals crave intimacy but fear it, leading to intense instability, self-sabotage, and mistrust, often rooted in trauma. Partners struggle with the unpredictable shifts from seeking closeness to suddenly withdrawing or pushing away, making consistent, secure connection incredibly challenging, notes The Hart Centre.
The strongest indicator of secure attachment is the ability to balance intimacy and independence in a way that sustains relationships over time. Securely attached individuals can comfortably depend on others and allow others to depend on them, fostering relationships marked by mutual trust and respect.
Four types of attachment styles may develop due to early childhood experiences: secure, anxious, avoidant, and disorganized. Avoidant, anxious, and disorganized are considered insecure attachment styles. Secure attachments develop when children can consistently rely on caregivers to fulfill their needs.
When avoidants are triggered, they typically shut down emotionally, withdraw, become defensive, or distract themselves to regain a sense of safety and avoid feeling overwhelmed or trapped by emotional intimacy, often appearing indifferent or cold, though it stems from a deep-seated need for independence and fear of vulnerability. They might focus intensely on controllable things like work, sulk instead of communicating needs, or even preemptively end the relationship (avoidant discard) to manage intense feelings.
Compliments and expressions of gratitude can help an anxious attacher feel more loved and safe within your relationship. It may help build their self-worth and give them something positive to focus on when they have doubts about their lovability and your interest in them.
Disorganized attachment, also known as fearful-avoidant, is the rarest of all styles, as only around 5% of the population attaches this way. This insecure attachment style mixes anxious and avoidant attachments with unique traits.
Strategies for overcoming insecure attachment
The five pillars of attachment are:
The secure attachment style is usually referred to as the “healthiest” attachment style. Securely attached children feel a sense of protection from their caregiver.
A 2019 study of over 400 adults found that insecure attachment styles, including both avoidant and anxious, significantly predicted past divorce and current relationship status. People with higher avoidance were more likely to have experienced a divorce, even when other factors like age were controlled.
Some studies showed that differences in attachment styles seem to influence both the frequency and the patterns of jealousy expression: individuals with the preoccupied or fearful-avoidant attachment styles more often become jealous and consider rivals as more threatening than those with the secure attachment style [9, ...
A dismissive-avoidant attachment style is a type of unhealthy, insecure attachment pattern in which individuals tend to avoid emotional intimacy and may appear emotionally detached in relationships.
Signs and symptoms
You might notice some of the following difficulties with insecure attachment or attachment disorder: Difficulty controlling and expressing your emotions, such as anger. No smiling or response when interacting with adults. Using extreme measures to gain attention.
The Signs of Fearful-Avoidant Attachment in Adults
In relationships, anxiously attached individuals may crave closeness but struggle with insecurity, seeking constant reassurance. While this desire for connection is natural, it can sometimes manifest as behaviors that feel controlling or manipulative to their partner.
Existing research regarding attachment and suicide risk in adolescents suggests those with a predominantly fearful or preoccupied attachment to their caregivers were more likely to endorse suicidal ideation than secure or dismissive adolescents (Lessard and Moretti, 1998).
5 Signs of an Unhealthy Emotional Attachment