A hollow apology is an insincere "sorry" that lacks genuine remorse, accountability, and a commitment to change, often used to end a conflict quickly rather than to repair harm. It typically involves excuses, blame-shifting, minimizing the other person's feelings, or repeating the same hurtful behavior, making the words feel empty and manipulative.
The Hollow Apology: When “I'm Sorry” Isn't a Real Apology. For Survivors of domestic violence, navigating apologies from their abuser can be one of the most confusing and emotionally draining aspects of their journey. Abusers often use apologies as a form of manipulation, rather than a sincere acknowledgment of harm.
“I am sorry that you think I did something wrong.” “I am sorry that you feel I am a bad person.” “I am sorry, but maybe you're just too sensitive.” These empty apologies put the onus on the person who was hurt as the problem.
A narcissist's apology is usually fake, manipulative, and lacks genuine remorse, focusing on shifting blame, avoiding responsibility, and regaining control rather than acknowledging wrongdoing, often using phrases like "I'm sorry if you were offended" or "I'm sorry but you started it," leaving the recipient feeling worse and unheard. They lack empathy and accountability, using these "fauxpologies" to disarm criticism, preserve their ego, and quickly move past conflict to get what they want.
A non-apology apology, sometimes called a backhanded apology, empty apology, nonpology, or fauxpology, is a statement in the form of an apology that does not express remorse for what was done or said, or assigns fault to those ostensibly receiving the apology. It is common in politics and public relations.
1. They add "but" at the end of their apology as a way to avoid taking responsibility for the topic of conflict e.g. "sorry but you made me do it." 2. They dismiss your emotions surrounding the topic e.g. "sorry, you're taking it all wrong."
The following statements can help you respond to gaslighting:
Narcissists do not handle challenges or threats to their superior and grandiose self-image (also known as narcissistic injury) well. Narcissists often have an intense need for control and power, and any direct challenge to their dominance may provoke them and lead to more aggressive behavior or retaliation.
“I'm sorry, so you should stop being upset now.”
It comes with just enough sincerity to seem real, yet is followed by behaviors designed to make you question your perception. This kind of apology is where gaslighting often starts: “You're too sensitive.” “It wasn't that bad.” “You're remembering it wrong.”
The "3 E's of Narcissism" refer to three core traits often seen in individuals with narcissistic tendencies: Empathy impairment, a profound lack of understanding or sharing of others' feelings; Entitlement, a belief they deserve special treatment and admiration; and Exploitation, using others for personal gain without guilt. These characteristics highlight how narcissists often struggle to connect emotionally, feel superior, and manipulate people to meet their own needs.
Use of conditional language to suggest the apology isn't necessary: Insincere apologies often contain phrases like "if you felt hurt" or "if I upset you." These phrases suggest that the responsibility for feeling hurt lies with the recipient, not with the person who caused it.
The 4 A's of an effective apology provide a framework for sincere amends: Acknowledge the offense and its impact, Accept responsibility without excuses, express Appreciation for the other's feelings (or Admit wrongdoing), and commit to Act differently (or Amend) to prevent recurrence. While variations exist (like adding "Ask for forgiveness"), these core actions focus on validating feelings and changing behavior for true reconciliation.
People who cannot apologize often have such deep feelings of low self-worth that their fragile egos cannot absorb the blow of admitting they were wrong.
The word “but” negates what you said prior to it. It minimizes the impact of a genuine apology. The word “but” pushes the responsibility off of you and onto something or someone else. The minute you speak those three little letters in an apology, your apology goes downhill.
An authentic apology:
One of the quickest ways to ruin a perfectly good apology is to offer an excuse or try to cast blame somewhere else. When we err, we sometimes find it easier to offer excuses or to try to justify our actions than to say we are sorry.
A narcissist's apology is usually fake, manipulative, and lacks genuine remorse, focusing on shifting blame, avoiding responsibility, and regaining control rather than acknowledging wrongdoing, often using phrases like "I'm sorry if you were offended" or "I'm sorry but you started it," leaving the recipient feeling worse and unheard. They lack empathy and accountability, using these "fauxpologies" to disarm criticism, preserve their ego, and quickly move past conflict to get what they want.
I will try never to do anything like that in the future.” So, if you feel more anxious and angrier after receiving an apology, look for three signs that may signify it is a toxic apology: justifications, blame-shifting, and a tone of moral superiority.
Criticism and insults. The narcissistic partner may often belittle and criticize the victim, attacking their self-esteem, which can sometimes contribute to developing an anxious attachment style or exacerbate existing insecurities. They might say things like, “You're worthless,” or “No one else would ever want you.”
Narcissistic traits often peak in late adolescence and early adulthood (around ages 14-23), particularly with grandiosity and entitlement, as individuals seek identity and status, but then tend to decline as people mature and face life's realities, though some individuals with NPD may see intensification in these years before a potential mellowing in middle age.
Empathize with Their Feelings
It is extremely soothing to Narcissists when you demonstrate that you understand and empathize with how they feel. But..do not insert anything about how the situation makes you feel, or anything about you at all unless it is an apology.
Five key signs of a narcissist include a grandiose sense of self-importance, an excessive need for admiration, a strong sense of entitlement, lack of empathy for others' feelings, and a tendency to exploit or manipulate people for personal gain, all stemming from a fragile ego and deep insecurity. They often boast, feel unique, get easily slighted by criticism, and disregard others' needs.
What are the phrases to shut down gaslighting?
Examples of Manipulative Apologies
When confronted, they say, "I'm sorry if you felt I was stealing your ideas, but I was just trying to contribute to the team." Here, the 'if' and 'but' in the apology attempts to shift blame and minimize their actions.