It's completely normal and acceptable to cry during a eulogy; it's a natural expression of grief, and you'll have a supportive audience, not a critical one. To manage it, have tissues and water, take deep breaths, pause as needed, and have a backup person ready to step in if you get too emotional, as your authentic emotion is a powerful part of the tribute.
Unlike a speech at work or in your community life, speaking at a funeral (eulogy) is most likely filled with emotion. And, as you stated in your question, you are sure that you will tear up. Sobbing and tearing up are natural responses, they indicate your love, respect and closeness to the deceased.
Common Mistakes To Avoid When Writing a Eulogy
When you're saying goodbye to a loved one, it's perfectly normal – and acceptable – to cry.
A common trick is to look above their heads. Look around the room/church and such, but avoid direct eye contact. Eye contact with significant individuals might trigger emotions you'd rather keep down for the duration of your speech/reading/eulogy.
Tips for Managing Your Emotions During a Funeral
Here are some strategies: Deep Breathing: Inhale slowly for a count of five, hold for two, and exhale for five. Repeat as needed to calm your nerves. Focus on the Present: Concentrate on the ceremony, the eulogy, or the music to ground yourself.
End your eulogy with a brief goodbye statement. This doesn't have to be some big, elaborate line, just something simple that acknowledges that the deceased will be missed.
The hardest deaths to grieve often involve a child, a spouse/life partner, or a loss due to suicide or homicide, as these challenge fundamental beliefs about life's order, shatter primary support systems, or add layers of trauma, guilt, and unanswered questions, leading to potentially complicated grief. However, grief is deeply personal, and the "hardest" loss is ultimately the one that feels most significant to the individual.
However, one thing that is never okay to do is to bring drugs or drinks to a funeral or to show up intoxicated. This is the number one sign of complete disrespect and rudeness. Imagine if it was your funeral. You wouldn't want someone opening a beer or having a hidden flask of drinks.
Don't look at it as trying to suppress your emotions, but rather, managing them in a way that feels appropriate for you.
Funeral directors often won't tell you about more affordable options, like renting urns/caskets or buying them online, the non-necessity of embalming, or that many services are optional, often focusing instead on upselling expensive packages; you can request itemized price lists, use alternative containers for cremation, and veterans get free burial, so it pays to ask questions and shop around. They also might not mention that "sealed" caskets don't stop decomposition or that funeral insurance can be risky, while also using suggestive language to encourage spending.
The best eulogy opening introduces yourself and your relationship to the deceased, sets a respectful tone, thanks attendees, and can start with a meaningful quote, a short anecdote, or a core quality that defined them, immediately connecting with the audience and honoring the person's life. Key elements are establishing your connection, acknowledging the shared grief, and giving a brief glimpse into the person's essence.
The 40-day period holds spiritual and cultural meaning in many traditions, often symbolizing a time of reflection, remembrance, and honoring the soul's journey. Emotions during this time may shift—from initial shock to deeper sorrow or quiet acceptance—as the reality of the loss settles in.
Jeremiah 22:10 American Standard Version (ASV)
Weep ye not for the dead, neither bemoan him; but weep sore for him that goeth away; for he shall return no more, nor see his native country.
The 3 C's of grief are Control, Connection, and Continuity - three fundamental psychological needs that become disrupted after loss and require intentional attention during the grieving process.
Holding your breath for twenty seconds or so may be impossible if you are in the middle of a speech, but even one long controlled breath, in through the nose, hold for a moment, and out through the mouth, can be helpful in regaining your equilibrium, because calming yourself is a big contribution to stopping the tears.
11 Mistakes to Avoid When Writing a Eulogy
However, unless specifically requested by the deceased or their family, you should avoid any bright colors such as yellows, oranges, pinks, and reds. In terms of accessories, a white shirt is the most common item of clothing to wear under a suit, while jewelry should be kept to a minimum and not too flashy.
While you could be used to saying “goodbye” to people upon your departure, avoid doing so at the funeral service as this is believed to be an invitation for the spirit of the deceased to visit you at home.
Many people wonder if their departed loved ones visit them after death. Spiritual beliefs vary widely, but many cultures and religions hold that our connections with those who have passed continue in some form. Some believe that after death, loved ones can reach out through dreams, signs, or other subtle ways.
When grieving, don't suppress emotions, isolate yourself, rush the process, or use substances to numb pain; instead, allow yourself to feel, stay connected with supportive people, and seek professional help if needed, as grief has no timeline and everyone experiences it uniquely. Avoid platitudes like "everything happens for a reason" or "they're in a better place," and don't make major decisions too soon. Focus on self-care, even if it's basic, and accept that grief is messy, not linear.
The second year of grief can be the worst for a number of reasons. First, the initial shock and numbness that accompanied the death in the first year may have faded, replaced by more intense pain. Second, many people feel guilty in the second year because they think they should be over the death by now.
Unforgettable - Most Beautiful Funeral Songs
Farewell messages for loved ones
“Your presence will be missed more than words can say. Farewell, and take care always.” “Though we're apart, you'll always be in my heart. Wishing you happiness in your new chapter.”
A eulogy should reflect the character, personality, achievements and values of the person who has died. You could include special memories of times you shared alongside some of the story of their life. A eulogy gives colour and character to the funeral ceremony, making it even more personal to the deceased.