When someone with Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) feels abandoned, they often experience intense emotional turmoil, leading to frantic, impulsive behaviors like lashing out, self-harm, or manipulative actions, all driven by an overwhelming fear of being left alone, which paradoxically pushes loved ones away and creates a cycle of unstable relationships. This fear can make even minor perceived rejections trigger a crisis, causing rapid mood swings, intense anger, emptiness, and a near collapse of their sense of self, according to this Psychology Today article, this Counselling in Perth article, this Mayo Clinic article, this Cleveland Clinic article, and this Amanda Robins Psychotherapy article.
Treatment Options for BPD and Abandonment Issues
Psychotherapy is a cornerstone of BPD treatment. It helps individuals develop coping skills and manage emotional responses. Therapy can significantly reduce abandonment fears and improve relationships. In some cases, a combination of therapies provides the most benefit.
People with borderline personality disorder have a strong fear of abandonment or being left alone. Even though they want to have loving and lasting relationships, the fear of being abandoned often leads to mood swings and anger. It also leads to impulsiveness and self-injury that may push others away.
How to Deal with Splitting Behavior in Others
It is this person who regulates the pwBPD's emotions, so if their FP is ignoring them, the pwBPD would spiral out of control without their person there to regulate them. Their emotions could run wild, they could feel panic, they could be anxious, and they could feel rejected. Above all else, they could feel abandoned.
People with BPD often fear being abandoned, which can cause unhealthy relationships. Fear of abandonment can contribute to mood changes, anger, withdrawal, and impulsive behaviors. Therapy can help those with BPD understand their fears and improve relationship skills.
How Do People with BPD React to Rejection? For people with BPD in relationships, the threshold for perceived rejection can be very low. By perceived rejection, this refers to feeling as though they've been rejected by someone they care about, even if that hasn't actually happened.
Redirecting the focus of the individual during a BPD episode can provide a helpful break from overwhelming emotions. Distractions allow them to regain control of their feelings and may help them calm down more quickly.
It is important to recognize that BPD symptoms, including devaluation, can fluctuate over time and may occur in cycles. The devaluation stage may last for hours, days, or even weeks, depending on the person and the relationship dynamics involved.
Don't…
People with BPD may experience rage when they perceive rejection, neglect, or abandonment in a relationship. During rage, a person may say or do things that they later regret. This could lead to ending the relationship in the heat of the moment. BPD rage is often followed by significant regret and shame.
Up to 50% of people with Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) experience psychotic symptoms like hallucinations and paranoid thoughts. BPD-related psychosis typically differs from other psychotic disorders as symptoms are usually brief, stress-triggered, and the person often maintains some reality testing.
Self-mutilation and suicide attempts are among the most dramatic symptoms of borderline personality disorder (BPD). Clinical experience suggests that they are also one of the main reasons for psychiatric hospitalizations and other costly forms of treatment, such as day or residential programs.
Stressful or traumatic life events
Often having felt afraid, upset, unsupported or invalidated. Family difficulties or instability, such as living with a parent or carer who experienced an addiction. Sexual, physical or emotional abuse or neglect. Losing a parent.
How can I help myself in the longer term?
Feeling empty: You may consistently feel sad, bored or unfulfilled. Feelings of worthlessness and self-loathing are common, too. Intense anger: You may have a lot of trouble controlling your temper. This could lead to physical fights or frequent outbursts.
From here, it's entirely possible if it's a new relationship that they'll be some kind of reconciliation. The borderline might return, and the partner – wanting their lover back – will look at themselves, take on the blame and promise to meet their emotional needs that they weren't doing before.
BPD splitting involves intense shifts in perceptions and emotions. People may quickly alternate between idealising and devaluing people, situations, and themselves. This can lead to unstable relationships, rapid mood swings, impulsive behaviour, and difficulty tolerating ambiguity.
Some people have relationships that just last a few weeks or months, while other people living with BPD have relationships that last years or even decades (sometimes with cycles of breaking up and getting back together).
Explosive anger/rage
Intense and utter rage is the bedmate of those with BPD. They swing from one extreme emotion to often ones involving anger. But not the anger most people display but the type to seem like a bomb went off (screaming as loud as they can, breaking things, stomping, physically fighting, etc.)
A defining feature of relationships with someone with BPD is the intense cycle of love and hate. This rollercoaster dynamic often leaves partners feeling confused, emotionally drained, and stuck. During the “love” phase, your partner may appear deeply affectionate, showering you with attention, love, and validation.
Use DBT Skills
Dialectical behavior therapy (DBT) is one of the most effective tools for managing BPD rage. Skills like emotion regulation, mindfulness, and distress tolerance are designed for moments of intense emotion. These skills take practice and often work best when learned with the help of a therapist.
When faced with perceived rejection, the individual with BPD may resort to silent treatment as a defense mechanism to cope with overwhelming feelings.
People with BPD may have seemingly opposite and sometimes extreme reactions to real or perceived abandonment, including: Needing frequent reassurance. Giving people the silent treatment. Suddenly breaking off relationships.
Trust can be fragile due to the challenges of BPD, such as intense emotions and impulsive behaviors. However, with commitment and the right strategies, trust can be established or rebuilt.