Exes come back for reasons ranging from genuine missing and regret to loneliness, boredom, ego boosts, or a need for familiarity and control, often realizing the "grass isn't greener" or struggling with the void left by the relationship's end. They might miss the comfort, struggle with the pain of starting over, want validation, or even feel jealous, but it doesn't always mean they've changed or the relationship will succeed this time, notes Ex Back Permanently.
And if your emotional connection with your ex was strong, they are going to eventually find their way back to you. They come back not just because they realize that it's not easy out there, they also come back when they realize how important you were to them and how much potential the relationship had.
Some of these reasons include: they still have feelings for their ex, they have unresolved issues that need to be addressed, they have realized they made a mistake by leaving, they are lonely and want companionship, they miss the companionship they once had, or they want to see if the relationship can be rekindled.
Types of Breakups That Get Back Together
There's an interesting study showing that around 50% of people who breakup eventually reunite [1]. Moreover, more than 50% of exes enter into a primarily sexual relationship after a breakup, but this does not necessarily mean that the ex returns for a committed relationship.
Based on a survey of 4534 people, aged 18 to 55, I conducted between January 2023 and April 2024, it takes an average of 2.56 months for an ex to come back after a breakup. If you just came here for a straight answer, there you have it. You may click away now.
The four behaviors that predict over 90% of divorces, known as Dr. John Gottman's "Four Horsemen," are Criticism, Contempt, Defensiveness, and Stonewalling, which erode connection, respect, and safety, leading to relationship breakdown. These destructive communication patterns, if persistent, signal that a marriage is likely to end, with contempt being the most damaging.
Your ex staying in touch with you constantly (even after weeks or months of the breakup) is a big sign that they will eventually come back. Probably one of the biggest. It's important to note that this sign only applies if they have been doing it consistently for a while and enough time has passed since the breakup.
Exes that had a mutual, amicable breakup or were each others “One that got away” are likely to get back together later in life. Couples that take a break from the relationship often come back together stronger.
The "3-3-3 rule" for breakups is a guideline suggesting 3 days for emotional release, 3 weeks for reflection, and 3 months for intentional rebuilding/healing, helping people process a split in stages. It's a simplified framework for managing grief, contrasting with longer models, and aims to create space for personal growth by focusing on self-improvement and gaining perspective after the initial shock of the breakup, though individual healing times vary greatly and aren't set in stone.
The "3-week rule" (or 21-day rule) in breakups is a popular guideline suggesting a period of no contact with an ex for about three weeks to allow for initial healing, gaining perspective, and breaking unhealthy patterns, often linked to the brain's ability to form new habits after ~21 days. It's a time for self-reflection, self-care, establishing new routines, and allowing emotions to settle, creating space to decide on future contact or moving on, rather than a magical fix, note Ex Back Permanently and Ahead App.
How to Respond when an Ex Reaches Out
Signs your ex misses you include initiating contact (even for small things), showing intense curiosity about your life (through you or mutual friends), reminiscing about good times, getting jealous, wanting to stay friends, or acting "hot and cold," all indicating internal conflict and longing for connection, often seen in frequent social media checks or physical attempts to be near you.
The Stages Of Getting Back Together With An Ex
This may sound too good to be true, but trust me, the intense emotions that your ex will feel when you suddenly vanish from their life can often be enough to make them take you back all by itself. Even if that doesn't happen, silence by itself is a powerful tool that can make your ex desperate to have you back.
The "72-hour rule" after a breakup generally means implementing a period of no contact for at least three days (72 hours) to allow intense emotions to subside, enabling clearer thinking and a less impulsive reaction, whether that's reaching out or making big decisions. This time helps move you from shock into processing, calming the brain's emergency response, and setting a healthier foundation for recovery and deciding next steps, preventing you from acting solely from heartbreak.
Evidence suggests that maintaining lingering feelings is the most commonly cited reason for getting back with an ex-partner (Dailey et al., 2011). Love, it seems, doesn't stop when a breakup happens, and it can spur people to get back together. Other reasons include (Dailey et al., 2011): Familiarity.
The "65% rule of breakups" refers to research suggesting couples often separate when relationship satisfaction drops below a critical threshold, around 65% of the maximum possible score, indicating distress is too high to continue. While not a formal psychological law, experts use the idea to suggest that if you feel significantly unhappy (e.g., 65% sure the relationship isn't working), it might be time to consider ending it to create space for peace and something healthier, rather than staying in a failing situation.
Here are some signs your breakup is temporary:
Emotional distraction: rather than fully processing the end of your relationship, your ex may dive into a new relationship to distract themselves from their lingering feelings of hurt, guilt, or sadness.
But it does provide some rough guidelines as to how soon may be too soon to make long-term commitments and how long may be too long to stick with a relationship. Each of the three numbers—three, six, and nine—stands for the month that a different common stage of a relationship tends to end.
Signs the spark is gone in a relationship often involve a decline in physical intimacy (less sex, touching, kissing), reduced or negative communication (criticism, stonewalling, no deep talks), emotional distance (feeling detached, irritable), and a lack of shared enjoyment or effort (avoiding time together, no dates, less interest in the future). It's a shift from excitement and vulnerability to routine or resentment, where the desire for deep connection and shared passion fades.
Contempt. Of all the predictive factors, contempt is the most prominent one. Based on extensive research, Dr Gottman names the 'Four Horsemen' or four communication habits that are the best predictors of divorce.
The 7-7-7 rule for couples is a guideline for maintaining strong connection by scheduling dedicated time: a date night every 7 days, a weekend getaway (or night away) every 7 weeks, and a longer, kid-free vacation every 7 months, all designed to fight drift and routine by ensuring consistent, intentional quality time, though flexibility is key.
In relationship terms, The Four Horsemen are Criticism, Contempt, Defensiveness and Stonewalling. Let's look at each of these and what you can do about them. Criticism refers to attacking or putting down your partner's personality or character rather than his or her behaviour itself.