The Four Horsemen
According to clinician and researcher John Gottman (1993), four major maladaptive communication styles in a relationship are criticism, defensiveness, contempt, and stonewalling, called the “Four Horsemen” (Hooper et al., 2017).
There are five general conflict styles: competing, collaborating, avoiding, accommodating, and compromising. These styles are based on two continuums: how assertive and how cooperative we are. Here's a graphic that illustrates the basics of each style.
The three most common arguments with couples are about sex, money, and children.
Once the honeymoon phase is over, most couples begin to argue because their differences start to rear their ugly heads. While you strive to share positive experiences, this isn't always possible. There will be times when you fight and bicker, but those shouldn't outweigh the positive memories.
Overly controlling behavior is a common red flag in relationships. People that try to control your movements, decisions, or beliefs are more concerned about what they want than what is best for you. If a guy or girl tries to control what you wear or where you go, this could be a red flag.
Depending on their temperaments and personalities, some healthy couples argue every day. Others may only have disagreements once in a while or only rarely. The crucial thing to remember is that there is no “normal” when it comes to how often married couples fight.
A healthy fight is when each partner is respecting each other's values and beliefs, even when they contrast. Respectful actions are listening without distractions, validating key impactful moments, and asking what you can do for your partner and what they need to move forward.
Relationships that involve physical or verbal abuse are definitely classified as toxic. But there are other, more subtle, signs of a toxic relationship, including: You give more than you're getting, which makes you feel devalued and depleted. You feel consistently disrespected or that your needs aren't being met.
If a relationship stops bringing joy, and instead consistently makes you feel sad, angry, anxious or “resigned, like you've sold out,” it may be toxic, Glass says. You may also find yourself envious of happy couples. Fuller says negative shifts in your mental health, personality or self-esteem are all red flags, too.
What are argument styles? In a workplace or business environment, argument styles are called 'conflict management' styles, according to the Thomas Kilmann model, and fall into five clear camps: competing, avoiding, accommodating, collaborating, and compromising.
Avoidance. Avoidance is the worst and most frequently used. The strength of this style is that it allows you to choose your battles, but its weakness is that you can end up in an undesirable position when trying to avoid the conflict.
Stage 1: The euphoric stage - 6 months to 24 months (2 years) Stage 2: The early attachment stage - 12 months (1 year) to 60 months (5 years) Stage 3: The crisis stage - 60 months (5 years) to 84 months (7 years) Stage 4: The deep attachment stage - 84 months (7 years) and beyond.
Volatile Couples
Almost the exact opposite of conflict avoiders, volatile couples are intensely emotional. During a conflict discussion, they begin persuasion immediately and they stick to it throughout the discussion. Their debating is characterized by a lot of laughter, shared amusement, and humor.
Stonewalling is when a person in a relationship withdraws from an interaction, shuts down, and simply stops responding to their partner. Rather than confronting the issue, people who stonewall resort to evasive maneuvers.
If both partners are giving equally, the relationship will work. But if your partner takes you for granted or doesn't respect you, that means trouble. Sometimes this is a result of relationship stressors that can be fixed. If you feel deeply that your partner no longer values you, it could be time to leave.
Unhealthy: Fight That's a Blame Game
Pointing fingers and focusing on each other's faults instead of listening to how your partner is feeling and making them feel heard before voicing your own grievances only leads to more disagreements that end up turning into a vicious spiral.
How often do couples argue? There is a great deal of variation in terms of how often people in serious relationships say they get into arguments or disagreements. Roughly an equal share say they argue once a week or more (30%), once a month or multiple times a month (28%), and once or multiple times per year (32%).
"If you are in a relationship in which you find yourself having verbal disagreements daily or more disagreements than agreements, this would be considered unhealthy," Jackson says. But in many cases, arguments can be a normal, and even a healthy part of your relationship.
It might sound conflicting (no pun intended), but a long-standing body of marital research shows that couples who argue are more likely to stay together than couples who avoid facing issues.
A related issue is “kitchen sinking,” when someone can't stay on topic during a conflict and starts bringing up every past problem or issue—everything but the kitchen sink!
Dr. Stan Tatkin advises couples not to fight for longer than 15 minutes. He states that partners should pause after about 15 minutes, take a break, and then revisit the conversation.