Between the ages of 5 and 7 years, children gradually begin to develop an understanding that death is permanent and irreversible and that the person who has died will not return.
Fear of death is common among children. In fact, most kids will experience fearful thoughts about death at some point in their lives. They may have a fear of dying themselves, or they may worry that their parents will die. They may even have fears about the family pet dying.
Just as it's normal for your 4-year-old to talk about death, it's also perfectly normal for your preschooler to lie, and it may be a (completely infuriating) sign of intelligence.
It may be unsettling to hear your preschooler talking about death but it's developmentally normal. At this age, they're obsessed with the “whys” of the world. They're trying to make sense of everything in the world around them… including death.
Preschool-aged children may start to understand that adults fear death. This age group may view death as short-term or reversible, as in cartoons. Death is often explained to this age group as someone "went to Heaven." Most children in this age group don't understand that death is permanent.
For an infant, death has no real concept. Infants do, however, react to separation from parent(s), painful procedures, and any alteration in their routine. An infant that is terminally ill will require as much care, physically and emotionally, to maintain a comfortable environment as any age group.
Between the ages of 5 and 7 years, children gradually begin to develop an understanding that death is permanent and irreversible and that the person who has died will not return.
Explaining what death means to young children
Children under the age of six do not usually understand that death is permanent and so may expect the person to come back. It is still important to tell them that the person has died.
Gently but directly, use the words 'dead' and 'died' within short explanations. Using euphuisms and vague language often creates fear in children. Phrases like “Passed away, gone to sleep, he's with grandma, lost their life” do not explain in concrete terms that their loved one has died.
The studies claim that death anxiety peaks in men and women when in their 20s, but after this group, gender plays a role in the path that one takes.
A child may have a traumatic reaction after a death that was sudden and unexpected (e.g., through violence or an accident) or a death that was anticipated (e.g., due to illness).
Thanatophobia, or death anxiety, is a form of anxiety disorder that involves an intense fear of death. It can lead to an overwhelming anxiety about a person's own death or the process of dying. Death anxiety is not defined as a distinct disorder, but it may be linked to other depression or anxiety disorders.
Children age 9-12: by age 10, the vast majority of children understand the finality, irreversibility, and nonfunctioning nature of death. They begin to develop a more sophisticated understanding of the causation, universality, and inevitability of death.
A child who visits a dying grandparent has the chance to say goodbye and gain closure. A deathbed visit also allows the child to learn about life, love, grief, and sorrow. Shielding a child from life's harsh realities may prolong suffering after learning of their grandparents' death.
Speak slowly and pause often, to give them time to understand, and to give yourself time to manage your own feelings. Be empathetic and be honest with children of all ages, but make sure to be especially clear with young children and do not include euphemisms.
Early Childhood (4-7)
As with preschoolers, this group views death as temporary and reversible. They sometimes feel responsible for the death because they believe that their own negative thoughts or feelings about the deceased might have caused his/her death.
Research suggests that death anxiety is common, though people tend not to report their feelings. One study shows that between 3% and 10% of people feel they're more nervous than others about the thought of dying.
Infants & toddlers
Infants and toddlers do not understand death, but they can sense what their caregiver is experiencing. Take care of yourself and recognize your own need to grieve.
School-aged children have a more realistic understanding of death. Although death may be personified as an angel, skeleton, or ghost, this age group is starting to view death as permanent. They know that everyone dies. They may be very curious about the physical process of death and what happens after a person dies.
The reasons why death is scary are often related to the fears of the unknown, of non-existence, of eternal punishment, of the loss of control, and fear of what will happen to the people we love.
Any death can be difficult for a child, and a wide range of emotional and behavioral responses are common including changes in sleeping pattern or appetite; sad, angry, or anxious feelings; social isolation; persistent thoughts about the death; or feeling the person's presence nearby.
Babies and toddlers can see angels. In fact, it is in the preschool years a child is more naturally prophetic than they will be at any time in their lives.