Most often than not, our love languages are defined by what we lacked as a child. For instance, a child who grew up without the presence of a father and mother would likely tend towards gifts, touch, or quality time as their love language. Hence, the partner tends to compensate for what they lacked as a child.
Whether we like it or not, our upbringing influences our romantic relationships, how we develop and function in romantic relationships, and give and receive love. So, the more we can become aware of these influences, the more we can understand how to use them to benefit, rather than harm, our relationships.
Trauma creates barriers to using love languages
Trusting them or using them can feel too risky, without a foundation of safety inside themselves and in the relationship. Any of the love languages — affirmation, physical touch, gifts, etc. — can be memory triggers for times they felt endangered or manipulated.
If you really, truly value something so strongly it defines the way you give and receive love, your love language must be what you lacked throughout your life. Don't we all want what we've never had? If your love language is words of affirmation, encouragement and support may have not been in your childhood vocabulary.
Bishop says that oftentimes our preferred love languages relate to the love we did or did not receive from our primary caregivers in childhood.” If a child in a dysfunctional household grew up never hearing praise, then as an adult she may crave 'words of affirmation' from her romantic partner,” she says.
Love Languages Are Fluid
That's because our needs and wants are constantly shifting, and the way we experience, receive and give love can change, too. Our love language can change in response to our age, time in our life or in response to trauma, says Dr. Lev.
Words of affirmation are traditionally thought to be the most common among the five love languages and reflect people who feel fulfilled and loved by someone's expression of positive emotions (Chapman & Chapman, 2010).
By age 4, a child's preferences typically begin to develop, and this may cause their initial, instinctual love language to change.
If you and your partner have different love languages, don't worry. Everyone has their own way of how they like to show and be shown love, and you and your partner don't have to speak the same love language in order to have a happy and healthy relationship.
“It's normal to have different languages, but the key is to be clear with your partner about what you are needing versus assuming that since they know, they 'should' be delivering on it.” A tip to keep couples on track to giving and receiving love is to ask one another throughout the day “Do you need anything?”
Unhealed childhood wounds can manifest themselves in a variety of ways, including feelings of fear, low self-esteem, insecurity, PTSD, and difficulty forming trusting relationships.
Gary Chapman identifies the 5 love languages as: Acts of Service, Words of Affirmation, Gifts, Quality Time, and Physical Touch.
Adverse childhood experiences like divorce, domestic violence, substance abuse, and parents with mental health issues all can leave their mark on the child's forming brain and nervous system . The long-term result manifests as a struggle with symptoms of attachment trauma which last well into adulthood.
Tips for healing in adulthood
The effects of a childhood without love may be deep rooted, but they can be healed. Some ways you can heal from feeling unloved as a child include but are not limited to: learning your triggers. engaging in inner child work.
But if a child receives inconsistent love and support during his childhood, he grows up with an insecure attachment style. They either become anxiously attached or totally avoidant in their relationships.
Quality time and words of affirmation
Quality time and physical touch are two love languages that are extremely compatible in terms of showing affection and physical attraction.
You may give and receive love in different ways, and in ways that are different from your partner's. “In a marriage, almost never do a husband and wife have the same language,” Dr. Chapman said. “The key is we have to learn to speak the language of the other person.”
While you and your partner do not need to share the same love language, it does make it easier to express and receive love from each other. However, it is just as easy to express love toward your partner if you understand their love language and enjoy speaking it.
Words of Affirmation is the easiest of the Five Love Languages. All you need to do is speak encouraging, kind, and humble words into a person's life to see the benefits of it. Speak affirmation to those with this Love Language and you will keep their love tanks full.
As well as the obvious hugs and kisses, children show they love you by rubbing their face against yours, holding your hand and sitting on your lap. Asking to be picked up, snuggling into your arms, resting their head on your shoulder. There's no greater trust than what a child has for their parent.
The two least preferred love languages are acts of service (ranked first by 13% of people) and receiving gifts (7%). Younger men and women were more likely to prefer gifts than older men and women.
Acts of service is the rarest form of love language.
People who thrive off this love language will feel most loved when their partner does something for them, (preferably without being asked). This could be tidying their space, cooking a meal, running errands or anything that takes a task out of their time.