"Cutting off is the extreme answer. Sometimes it's necessary, but in most cases, you can stay connected," she said. "Like the end of a marriage, sibling estrangement is always sad, even when it brings relief. It's not what anyone hoped for, but sometimes it's the wise and necessary choice."
Make no mistake: cutting off a sibling isn't what anyone would want or hope for, but as the people I spoke to agreed, sometimes it's the wise and necessary choice: it's not healthy to hold on to someone who persistently hurts you. "Occasionally sibling relationships just don't work out," Collins told Insider.
Takeaway: It's not forever, but distance is healthy
But when you set boundaries and prioritize your own health, you'll be able to live a better life — with or without your sibling. “Walking away from a toxic relationship does not mean that you are completely shutting a door,” Fuller says.
It could be time to cut the person off if you or your child start to dread visiting that family member, especially if they only interact in negative ways with those around them. "Recognize that spending time apart from them is important to one's own mental health," adds Dr. Halpern.
Research has found that if you experienced estrangement within your family, you are more likely to struggle with mental health issues related to depression, anxiety, eating disorders, low self-esteem, substance abuse, sleep disorders and suicidal ideation.
The number of Americans who are completely estranged from a sibling is relatively small—probably less than 5 percent, says Karl Pillemer, a Cornell University professor.
“Criticism, looking down on you, bullying, invalidating or gaslighting, and physical intimidation or abuse – all of it happens in toxic sibling relationships.”
There is evidence to suggest that healthy sibling relationships promote empathy, prosocial behavior and academic achievement. While healthy sibling relationships can be an incredible source of support, unhealthy and toxic sibling relationships may be equally devastating and destabilizing.
If your sibling never really took the time to get to know you, or vice versa, chances are that you're both content with the way things are. Siblings can help enrich your life, but if you've just never had that type of relationship with yours, it's OK to back off and live life the way you always have.
Estrangement is common and often not unwelcome.
Estrangement between brothers and sisters in adulthood is not rare. Sibling estrangement is experienced in different ways, and while some long for reconnection, others choose to maintan distance.
Surprisingly, the risk of death following the loss of a sibling is higher than that after losing a parent.
A toxic sibling relationship is a relationship that is unbalanced in its power dynamic and may involve sibling abuse and dysfunctional sibling rivalry. Sibling estrangement can be caused by parental favoritism, having immature parents, parental or sibling abuse, and psychopathy.
Physical abuse by a sibling occurs when one sibling intentionally causes physical harm and pain to a sister or brother. This can include: shoving, hitting, slapping, kicking, biting, pinching, scratching, and hair pulling.
Like all forms of child abuse, sibling abuse can lead to myriad problems for victims, including anxiety, depression, PTSD, self-loathing, and low self-esteem.
Trauma Bonding. A trauma bond can develop when a sibling repeatedly experiences a confusing mix of abuse and positive reinforcement. A brother or sister may find it difficult to break away from such a relationship. In a trauma bond, abuse often is mixed with kindness and affection.
Oldest child syndrome comprises the behavioral changes exhibited by your firstborn after the birth of their younger sibling. They may show dominating tendencies, develop an unhealthy competitive attitude, and become controlling.
Many kids are lucky enough to become the best of friends with their siblings, but it's common for brothers and sisters to fight. Often, sibling rivalry starts even before the second child joins the family, and continues as the kids grow and compete for everything from toys to attention.
Yes, Adult Sibling Conflict Happens … a Lot
Other causes include unresolved issues from childhood, different personalities or values, power struggles that may create a dynamic of competition, or family secrets that cause feelings of betrayal or mistrust among siblings, Hartman says.
The Physical Effects of Sibling Abuse
Some of the effects that survivors report later in life are physical in nature — GI issues, headaches, or chronic pain. In addition to physical effects, many people who experience abuse will report feeling unlovable, invisible, too much, and also not enough.
Sibling alienation occurs when one adult sibling wants to push aside another. While sibling alienation can occur at any point, one sibling may be especially tempted to alienate another in order to gain control of care-taking or inheritance outcomes with aging parents.
Not only can it cause PTSD (or CPTSD), but it can lead to a range of other mental health symptoms, such as anxiety, depression, lowered self-esteem, and difficulty in future relationships. You don't have to go through this alone.