Dating a widow or widower may take patience, a willingness to embrace the spouse who has died, and a commitment to step gingerly when it comes to introductions to friends and family. And it's not right for everyone. The result, though, can be a positive, successful bond.
One major warning sign is if the widower is still grieving intensely or not ready to move on from their previous relationship. Another red flag is if they constantly compare you to their late spouse or refuse to let go of their belongings.
The feel of Loneliness
Losing someone creates a gap of them in our lives. Similarly losing her spouse puts the widow into a position of loneliness. Even if the widow is always surrounded by the most loving and supportive people (friends & family) there'd still be times when she'd go through a mental state of isolation.
There is no "right or wrong" about when you'll be ready. Many people are ready months after the death of their partner, and for others, it takes years. The most important thing is that you have this conversation with yourself, and aren't trying to satisfy someone else's idea of when you're ready (or not).
According to a study by the Pew Research Center, 61% of widows and widowers eventually choose to remarry. The study also revealed that men are more likely to remarry than women.
It's true that some widowed people do move on too fast, because they're in denial and don't want to face pain; such relationships often bear a cost. Still, even for those not in denial, finding a connection remains a huge human urge.
Rehl divides widowhood into three distinct stages: Grief, Growth and Grace.
The widow/widower is not ready to date if they are enshrining possessions of their late love, if they want to hide the new partner from view of extended family or if more than three key times are memorialized each year about the deceased spouse.
If you need to make important decisions, you should wait for at least one to two years following such a significant loss. This will give you sufficient time to process the death, go through the stages of grief, and regain some of your diminished cognitive capacities.
Widow's fire describes the (sometimes) uncontrollable and all-consuming desire for sex following bereavement. When we lose our partner, particularly when we lose a partner young, we lose a lot of things.
To avoid death and loneliness, some widows look for a new love, but that isn't always easy. Widows struggle to accept a new love in their life because they believe they loved their first partner so much that they could never love again, according to Aaron Ben-Zeev, Ph. D., who wrote for Psychology Today.
They make excuses
This is one of the most prominent signs that indicates you are a second choice. Your partner or friends give excuses why they can't meet up, visit you or even spend time with you. It is an indication that plans with you can wait while they concentrate on something or someone else.
Often the second year is the hardest as that's when the real grief work might begin. This is the time when you may be ready to face your grief head on and deal with any issues that are holding you back. If you're not ready yet though, don't feel guilty. There is no deadline and everyone grieves in their own time.
You can expect your grief to last anywhere from a few months to several years. Many widowed spouses will feel the effect of their loss for the rest of their lives. You may not ever fully get over your loss, but in time, you'll learn to live without their physical presence.
Show her that you're listening by making eye contact and nodding encouragingly. Keep your ears and mind open. Don't be afraid to try and learn more about your significant other's deceased partner. Try to learn more about what kind of person they were and the life they shared with your partner.
There is no rule that says you cannot wear your wedding ring after your spouse is deceased. If you feel more comfortable wearing it, then wear it. However, you may want to consider taking it off to fully move on with life. Your ring may serve as a reminder of your husband and your relationship.
Grace, also called “transformation” by some, is the final stage of widowhood. Kathleen begins by mentioning that at this point a widow may begin advanced financial planning, i.e. advanced estate planning. Becoming confident in her own independence, she may become involved in other efforts such as philanthropic giving.
Older widows are usually more content to stay single than older widowers. They are often tired from looking after their late spouse and they see remarriage as having to take care of somebody else. Devotion to a deceased husband may also keep them single but they still go through various levels of loneliness.
Until the intensity of your grief subsides, you can't expect to be truly happy again. Work through your guilt, extreme pain, extreme sadness, intense anger, and every other feeling and emotion. Often, reaching out to a grief counselor gives you a structure for doing this work.