Attending the funeral is a good way to show respect for an old friend, even if you don't know any of the deceased's family members. Attending the wake isn't necessary, especially if you didn't know the deceased's family well.
Should I attend both the wake and the funeral? It is respectful to attend both, but not compulsory. If you don't feel comfortable attending the wake, or you have a prior commitment you can't avoid, it's polite to let the grieving family know in advance – a phone call or message is usually appropriate.
Attending the funeral reception
If you cannot attend the funeral, it is acceptable to attend the wake, but be sure to let the family know in advance that you would like to pay your respects in this way and maybe bring a thoughtful gift or flowers to the next of kin to show you are thinking of them.
Members of the immediate family and close friends should attend both the wake and the funeral. People will want to offer their condolences to those who are part of the immediate family. Even though it can be difficult, it is necessary to be there.
Wakes are less formal than funerals, and some follow certain rituals. Some families choose to host a funeral and a wake, the wake taking place a day before the funeral arrangements. This is so those who don't or can't attend the funeral can still get a chance to share their condolences with the family.
A wake may last a few hours, or the deceased's family may welcome mourners to their home over the course of a few days prior to the funeral. Bring edible gifts like casseroles, sandwiches, baked goods, or fruit baskets so the family doesn't have to worry about food. They may even share it with guests.
Business casual is typically acceptable. Stay away from festive or fun attire. Sometimes families choose to encourage the celebration of their loved one's life at the wake. If that is the case, wearing festive clothing is totally acceptable.
It might seem disrespectful not to attend a parent's funeral, but this is ultimately a personal choice. There is no obligation to attend a funeral, and you might find that you would like to say goodbye in your own way.
Wakes usually last between two to six hours, but this can vary. This depends on the location and who attends. If the wake is held at someone's house or a paid venue you may want to be mindful of leaving on time.
Flowers, sympathy cards, custom keepsakes, and donations are all appropriate gifts to bring to a funeral. While a gift is certainly not required, it can be a thoughtful way to communicate your love for those grieving. Flower and plant arrangements can often be sent to the funeral home prior to the service.
If you are an ex-spouse of the deceased or their family
There may be some exceptions to this. If you have a poor relationship with your ex-spouse's family, it may be inappropriate for you to attend the wake. You can attend the funeral but do so unobtrusively.
A wake is a Catholic ceremony and is similar to a viewing or visitation in that it provides mourners the opportunity to offer their condolences and share their grief in an informal environment. The wake may include a vigil, which is a prayer service usually held the evening before the funeral.
Unless you know in advance that the wake you are attending is a casual event, you should never wear jeans or any casual clothing to a wake. Most attire for wakes is business dress or Sunday dress. Anything less is considered disrespectful.
When you cannot pay your respects at a funeral or memorial. Whatever the reason you can't attend, guilt is a normal feeling. But remember, you did not actually fail your loved one. Let the family know as soon as possible, and offer to help in another way.
For example, a wake is a more informal time for visitation and remembrance of the dead, whereas a funeral typically contains structured rituals and is often religious in nature. It's common for a family to have both a wake and a funeral in order to commemorate the death of a loved one.
Many people worry that their children are too young to go to a funeral and won't understand what is happening. But most children have a full understanding of death by the time they are about 8-10 years old and many younger children will have enough understanding to go to the funeral.
When do you leave. There will often be a time slot of a few hours for the wake, and you can attend at any time. According to the The Funeral Source, it is appropriate for guests to stay at the wake for as little as 15 to 20 minutes. However, you should use your own discretion upon deciding when to leave.
More specifically, wakes are a Catholic tradition, so if you go to a Catholic wake you can expect a priest to be there saying prayers.
How Much Should You Give? The traditional gift is the amount you would have spent on flowers for the service, generally between $50 and $100.
Stealing anything from a deceased person or their family is obviously a no-go. Even “just a flower or two,” is also disrespectful.
Avoid dressing in casual clothing, such as athletic wear, tank tops, or shorts. Skip the flip-flops, tennis shoes, sneakers, or boat shoes. Remove the neon necktie, purse, or accessory. Shy away from wearing jeans, even black ones, because they are considered too casual for a funeral.
Women should avoid wearing overly casual or festive clothing. Appropriate outfits for women to wear to a funeral include a skirt suit or pantsuit; a skirt of appropriate length (not a mini skirt) or pants (not jeans) and a top with sleeves, a blouse, or a sweater; flats or pumps (not sneakers).
In general, the same attire that is appropriate for a funeral will generally be appropriate for a visitation.
The most common answer is that jeans aren't considered appropriate funeral etiquette unless requested by the family. However, dark, unembellished jeans paired with a shirt, tie, and blazer for men or a blouse and a blazer for women can be appropriate for a casual service.