The most obvious example of passive-aggressive behavior can be experienced when someone is gaslighting you and being emotionally manipulative. But it can happen in smaller ways, too, even with people you love and care about or see every day.
Gaslighting statements and accusations are usually based on blatant lies, or exaggeration of the truth. Passive-aggressiveness can be defined as anger or hostility in disguise, expressed in underhanded ways to exercise power, control, and deception, with the hopes of "getting away with it.”
Someone who gaslights might even make overt gestures of aggression. There's often a threatening component when one partner wants to leave the relationship or that sort of thing. The threat can be covert or overt.
Passive-aggressive behavior, in my opinion, is the most destructive to the health of a relationship. It is a form of manipulation. It's indirect and dishonest. Anyone can be passive-aggressive at times.
Examples of passive-aggressive behavior include the use of silence, avoidance, sarcasm, and weaponized kindness. Understanding why people behave passive-aggressively may help with defusing the behavior.
What is it? According to the American Psychological Association (APA), PAPD is “a personality disorder of long standing in which ambivalence toward the self and others” is expressed by passive expressions of underlying negativism. This means that PAPD is a chronic, generally inflexible, condition.
For instance, passive-aggressive behavior can appear in the form of resistance to another person's requests by procrastinating, expressing sullenness, or acting stubbornly. Someone who is passive-aggressive often lets others take control while someone who is aggressive is more confrontational or directly forceful.
Recap. Covert narcissists often behave in passive-aggressive ways. They disregard others while exaggerating their own importance. They also blame, shame, and ignore the feelings and needs of other people.
Gaslighting Example 2: Getting Defensive
To maintain control over their victims, a gaslighter will get defensive and find a way to manipulate you into believing you're at fault.
The silent treatment can often be used when the person doesn't have the tools to respond differently. When faced with the triggering of strong feelings, they may not know what else to do — so they go quiet. It can also be a passive-aggressive response to avoid directly communicating how (hurt) they feel.
There are many possible causes of passive aggression, such as fear of conflict, difficulty expressing emotions, low self-esteem and a lack of assertiveness. People who tend to be more introverted may also struggle with expressing their needs or wants directly.
Assertive, not aggressive, confrontation is the best way to frustrate the goals of a passive-aggressive person. You see, passive-aggressive people hate confrontation. It's not their style. When you catch them in the moment and stand up for yourself assertively, you catch them off guard.
The study then describes the seven traits that can be used to determine if someone is difficult: callousness, grandiosity, aggressiveness, suspicion, manipulativeness, dominance and risk-taking.
Limited Awareness. The passive-aggressive is somewhat aware of the fact that she or he is resisting but does not recognize it as passive-aggressiveness per se; they just do what they do. They are not cognizant of, or concerned with, the destructive impact of passive-aggression.
Sometimes passive-aggressive personality behaviors are the result of underlying mental health factors. Multistudy research from 2021 found passive aggressiveness was linked to symptoms of: depression.
Examples of passive-aggression are playing the game of emotional “get-back” with someone by resisting cooperation with them, giving them the “silent treatment,” pouting or whining, not so accidentally “forgetting” something they wanted you to do because you're angry and didn't really feel like obliging them, etc.
Someone who uses passive aggression may feel angry, resentful, or frustrated, but they act neutral, pleasant, or even cheerful. They then find indirect ways to show how they really feel. Passive aggression isn't a mental illness. But people with mental health conditions may act that way.
Acts out aggression physically
A passive-aggressive person may slam doors, move things around loudly, or use other physical means of getting their point across without words.
Passive-Aggressive Communication
Examples include passive statements and body language followed by giving the "silent treatment", spreading rumors, and sabotaging another person's efforts.
But make no mistake: Passive-aggression is an expression of hostility in relationships. "Passive-aggression is how the weak and powerless try to thwart the authority of those who they view as strong and powerful," says Wetzler.