Cheating is not classified as a direct trauma response itself, but unresolved trauma, particularly from childhood, can significantly influence the underlying emotional and psychological vulnerabilities that contribute to a person's decision to cheat.
A person confronted with a partner's infidelity may experience significant psychological distress and go through a process of grief. Often described as a form of relational trauma, infidelity can lead to intense feelings of anger and mistrust toward the partner, the relationship, and even oneself.
In some cases, an affair becomes an unhealthy coping mechanism – a way to escape problems or numb emotional pain. For example, someone under high stress or experiencing low self-esteem might cheat not because of dissatisfaction with their partner per se, but to “feel alive” or boost their ego.
Compulsive cheating isn't a condition or mental health condition and every situation is unique. For example, one person with compulsive cheating tendencies may feel guilt and remorse, while another may not.
Yes, a marriage can survive infidelity, but it takes time, effort, and commitment from both partners. Healing involves rebuilding trust, open communication, and often seeking professional help, such as counseling.
The 80/20 rule in relationships explains cheating as the temptation to abandon a solid partner (80% good) for someone new who seems to offer the missing 20% of needs, a pursuit often leading to regret as the new person lacks the original 80%. Infidelity often arises from focusing on flaws (the 20%) rather than appreciating the substantial good (the 80%), making an affair partner seem appealing for fulfilling that small gap, but ultimately resulting in losing the valuable foundation of the primary relationship.
Cheating on a partner doesn't always mean love is gone.
Many who cheat still feel love for their partner and guilt for the infidelity. Cheating can stem from emotional distance, insecurity, or the fear of missing out. Addiction, stress, or past trauma can drive infidelity without negating love.
If you've cheated, you've broken a commitment to someone else. And you've likely lied, been deceptive in your behavior, and deliberately sneaky. It should be no surprise that you've destroyed your ability to be trusted. People who know about your cheating will recognize that your trustworthiness is now limited.
Although not everyone experiences each stage and they can occur in any order, these stages are:
People may also emotionally cheat when they lack appreciation for their partner. Emotional cheating can cause damage and make the cheated-on partner feel small, affecting their mental health and highlighting the necessity for respect and trust in the relationship.
In surveys of individuals who have cheated, falling out of love, seeking variety, and feeling neglected were the most commonly cited reasons, followed by situational forces, a desire to raise self-esteem, and anger with a partner.
Soft cheating (or micro-cheating) involves subtle, often digital, behaviors that cross relationship boundaries and breach trust without being full-blown infidelity, like excessive social media interaction with others, hiding messages, or maintaining secretive contact with an ex, often stemming from a need for validation but eroding intimacy and causing insecurity.
You are absolutely, positively not a worthless or irredeemable person. Bad behavior doesn't define who you are as a human being—your worst behavior reflects your struggles, your pain, and your humanity.
Signs of childhood trauma
Understanding the stages of betrayal trauma can help you determine where you are in the process and give you a sense of direction in healing.
Infidelity may not only have a destructive impact on the relationship, which may lead to separation or divorce, but may negatively affect the partners' overall emotional wellbeing, leading to enhanced depressive symptoms andlowered self-esteem [3].
Interestingly enough, some individuals who cheat also exhibit signs of dissatisfaction long before they actually stray. They may withdraw emotionally from their partners or display irritability over minor issues—a signal that something deeper is amiss within themselves rather than solely within the relationship.
DON'T, at least do your best not to ...
After cheating, it's common to feel other emotions besides guilt. You might experience remorse, anxiety, sadness, or shame. Working through these emotional stages in a healthy way may include accepting responsibility, making meaningful changes, and seeking support from a therapist.
There are several types of personalities that have been found to be more prone to cheating, including narcissists, psychopaths, and those with an avoidant attachment style.
Betrayal trauma activates the brain's threat detection system in profoundly destabilizing ways. According to neuroscientific research, the brain responds to betrayal in a manner similar to how it responds to physical danger because, on a relational level, it poses a threat to survival.
Below are 19 common signs of cheating to look out for:
There isn't one single "best" predictor of cheating; rather, it's a combination of factors, with relationship dissatisfaction, low sexual satisfaction, mismatched sexual desire, and poor communication being the strongest predictors, often alongside individual traits like insecure attachment styles, impulsivity, and a history of infidelity. Ultimately, a lack of emotional connection and unresolved relationship issues significantly increase the risk, according to this Psychology Today article, this National Institutes of Health article, and this Medium article.
The 2-2-2 relationship rule is a guideline for couples to keep their bond strong and fresh by scheduling regular, dedicated time together: a date night every two weeks, a weekend getaway every two months, and a week-long vacation every two years, which helps prioritize connection, break routine, and create lasting memories. It's a framework to ensure consistent quality time, even with busy schedules, to prevent boredom and strengthen partnership.
Studies show that less than 2% of relationships starting in affairs last more than 2 years, and the majority of those know by 6 months that they are not happy in the relationship, but feel as though they have to make it work because they blew up their life to be with that person.