The term “people pleaser” refers to a person who has a strong urge to please others, even if at their own expense. They may feel that their own wants and needs do not matter, or alter their personality around others. “People pleaser” is not a medical diagnosis or a personality trait that psychologists measure.
The tendency to please is related to Dependent Personality Disorder. While the people-pleaser may not need others to do things for them, they do have a need for others, regardless. The pleasing personality is also related to the Masochistic Personality type, which also corresponds with Dependent Personality.
People-pleasing is associated with a personality trait known as "sociotropy," or feeling overly concerned with pleasing others and earning their approval as a way to maintain relationships. 2 This behavior can be a symptom of a mental health condition like:3. Anxiety or depression4. Avoidant personality disorder.
People-pleasers, or those with sociotropic tendencies, wish to make other people happy, often at the sake of their own needs or values. While being warm, kind, and helpful are positive traits, they can result in strong feelings of resentment, anxiety, stress, and emotional depletion when they come at your expense.
People pleasers tend to do anything possible to avoid conflict, even if it means turning into an entirely different person. Your worth depends on how others see you. People pleasers need validation from others to feel good about themselves. They can go to extremes to earn words of praise from others.
The people pleaser personality type is desperate to feel important and needed. Their lack of self worth, confidence and self-belief, makes it almost impossible for them to set and maintain healthy boundaries with others.
A people pleaser is someone who tries hard to make others happy. They will often go out of their way to please someone, even if it means taking their own valuable time or resources away from them. People pleasers often act out of insecurity and a lack of self-esteem.
People with Williams syndrome are described as having exceptionally friendly personalities, extremely sensitive and empathic, and therefore are also called “love children.” Williams syndrome is a genetic disorder caused by the deletion of one of the two copies of about 26 genes found on chromosome 7 in humans [1].
People tend to hate it when you stop putting their comfort, their happiness, their desires and wants above your own. Especially when they're used to seeing you as a person in the role of yes person.
3. Family heritage. People Pleasing Disease can be genetic. If the family or the environment's culture you find yourself in is to please others, to be in the service of others, to self sacrifice etc., chances are that these values will be passed on from generations to generations.
How People-Pleasing Feeds Anxiety. Though people-pleasing provides a way for you to hide your anxiety and feelings of inadequacy from others, it may also be contributing to the worry, fear and panic in your life. Even when it's an unconscious habit, constantly trying to please everyone is exhausting work.
A fourth, less discussed, response to trauma is called fawning, or people-pleasing. The fawn response is a coping mechanism in which individuals develop people-pleasing behaviors to avoid conflict, pacify their abusers, and create a sense of safety.
If you find yourself doing to this to the point of exhaustion then you may be a people-pleaser. This usually means that you are taking care of others around you before you take care of yourself. Our clients who present as people-pleasers usually find themselves feeling anxious, drained, and overwhelmed.
Being a people-pleaser is an extremely stressful and frequently painful way to live. Because no matter how much they give to others they don't ever get what they are truly seeking. The real solution comes from within. As a result, people-pleasers frequently suffer from depression, stress and anxiety.
People-pleasing is not the same as genuine kindness; being kind is a form of self-expression. People-pleasing is a fundamentally dependent behavior and can backfire. However, helping others with the expectation of getting something back is a contract.
But according to Sasha Heinz, PhD, a developmental psychologist and life coach, there's another price to people-pleasing: It's a form of manipulation. This doesn't mean we shouldn't be nice and helpful and friendly.
People Pleasers spend so much time and effort in taking care of others. Unfortunately, they often do not establish good social support for themselves. They also find it hard to give up control and let other people take care of them. While taking care of others in noble and rewarding, it can also be toxic and unhealthy.
Cons of People Pleasing
They are prone to be exploited and manipulated by others. They assume others will do the same for them and experience disappointment and resentment when this is not the case. Mental fatigue and burnout occur due to working too hard and constantly assessing the needs and opinions of others.
A People Pleaser's Freedom
Paul tells us in Romans 12:1 that we are to “present [our] bodies a living sacrifice, holy, acceptable to God” (NKJV). But if we are going to offer our bodies as a living sacrifice (and people-pleasers do this), then it must be to God alone.
An excessively nice person might never be really known on a deep level or taken seriously. Their preferences might be over-ridden, and they could be neglected. It can even impact your job. Being too accommodating can make you a bit invisible, because you never stand for anything.
You can be a good person with toxic traits. In fact, everyone displays negative behavior from time to time. Many people also develop toxic traits as a coping mechanism. For example, many dishonest people lie about their lives to protect themselves from other people's judgment.
People who like to please are frequently drawn to people who like to control others. Pleasers have certain personality characteristics that are developed in childhood. They are often perfectionists who were influenced by very demanding parental expectations and/or criticism.
Putting it bluntly we could say that the people pleaser is a liar. It sounds brutal, but the people-pleaser is lying for poignant reasons: not in order to gain advantage, but because they are terrified of the displeasure of others.
A major people-pleaser may dodge your concerns, fabricate, and even gaslight you.