Long-standing patterns of disrespect, communication breakdown, and lack of intimacy are signs your marriage is over and may be heading for a divorce. The causes of divorce are often complex.
The Four Horsemen are four communication habits that increase the likelihood of divorce, according to research by psychologist and renowned marriage researcher John Gottman, Ph. D. Those four behaviors are criticism, defensiveness, stonewalling, and contempt.
The Five Stages of Grief in Divorce. The emotional impact of divorce usually follows the five states of grief, denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and finally, acceptance.
If your relationship involves instances of physical, emotional, or verbal abuse, it's likely that the partnership is beyond repair. Even a one-off instance of abuse is incredibly corrosive in a relationship, and can quickly lead to the breakdown of the marriage.
After watching thousands of couples argue in his lab, he was able to identify specific negative communication patterns that predict divorce. He called them The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse, and they are criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling.
Was this helpful? According to Gottman's research from 1994, contempt is the No. 1 predictor of divorce within the first 6 years of marriage. Research from 2019 also suggests that harboring contempt is a predictor of an illness and poor well-being.
The average age for a couple entering their first divorce is 30 years old. And 60% of divorces involve spouses between the ages of 25 and 39.
Dr. John Gottman of the University of Washington, a foremost expert on couple studies, concluded after over 20 years of research that the single, best predictor of divorce is when one or both partners show contempt in the relationship.
Many people consider the separation phase to be the most difficult. This is the time between when you decide to get divorced and the date you actually get divorced. This period often presents the most uncertainties about child support, visitation, alimony, division of assets, and more.
Divorce is disruptive enough for children of divorce without their parents involved in heated disputes. As a result, I take the approach and utilize what I call the three C's of Divorce with my clients and opposing counsel. Communication, Cooperation and Clarification.
Divorced men often undergo severe emotional turmoil. They may feel angry at one time and sad or depressed the next. They also suffer from regret, loneliness, disappointment, denial, and guilt. Such strong emotions often take a toll on their mental health.
Use “I” statements, focus on neutral language, report how you feel, and be sympathetic about his/her feelings. Say “I know this is difficult to hear, but our marriage is finished and I want a divorce. I don't believe marital counseling will fix our relationship, but we might benefit from seeing individual therapists.”
Marriages concluded between 20 and 24 years old are 20% likely to end in divorce, while marriages at 25-29 end in 15% of cases. Couples who tied the knot at 30-34 are the strongest, with only 14% of divorces. And lastly, marriages entered after 35 years old are at relatively high risk (19%) of breaking down.
A study led by the American Sociological Association determined that nearly 70% of divorces are initiated by women.
According to relationship therapist Aimee Hartstein, LCSW, as it turns out, the first year really is the hardest—even if you've already lived together. In fact, it often doesn't matter if you've been together for multiple years, the start of married life is still tricky.
Women are more likely to initiate separation than men
Thirty per cent of separations were initiated jointly with 70 per cent of separations initiated unilaterally by either the husband or wife.
Since the 1990s the crude divorce rate has trended downward, reaching a low of 1.9 per 1,000 residents in 2016, 2019 and 2020. The higher 2021 figure disrupts the trend over recent years, although, as noted above, the break in series may be due to changes in administrative arrangements.
Almost everyone wants a happy marriage and wants it to last a lifetime. But most also know the scary U.S. statistics: nearly 50 percent of first marriages and more than 60 percent of second marriages end in divorce.
A 2002 study found that two-thirds of unhappy adults who stayed together were happy five years later. They also found that those who divorced were no happier, on average, than those who stayed together. In other words, most people who are unhappily married—or cohabiting—end up happy if they stick at it.
You feel more yourself when separate.
When you first get together with your spouse, you're supposed to feel like they bring out the best in you, and you like who you are around them. In an unhappy marriage, you'll feel more yourself when they're not around and may even dislike who you are around them, Birkel says.