A narcissistic mother will do whatever it takes to control her daughter's choices, emotions, and actions. She is often found offering unasked-for guidance, belittling her daughter's achievements, and undermining her self-esteem.
Narcissistic mothers often use shame, gaslighting, dismissal and manipulation in order to get their own needs met, which can leave their daughters feeling like their mother's behaviors were their fault.
A mother with narcissistic tendencies is typically overly concerned with her daughter's appearance and achievements and how they reflect back on her, says Lis. As a result, the daughter doesn't learn to be her authentic self.
Narcissistic mothers tend to see their daughters both as threats and as annexed to their own egos. Through direction and criticism, they try to shape their daughter into a version of themselves or their idealized self.
The scapegoat is someone who must embody what the narcissistic parent cannot stand in themselves. By “finding” what they hate in themselves to be in the scapegoat child, the parent feels protected; this is the role of the scapegoat child.
The golden child is expected to be extraordinary at everything, not make mistakes, and essentially be “perfect.” Golden children are usually raised by narcissistic parents who are controlling and authoritarian.
The narcissistic parent can do serious damage to their Golden Child. The constant pressure to meet the impossible standards set by the narcissist can damage the Golden Child's self-esteem and sense of self-worth. The Golden Child may also develop anxiety or depression due to the fear of disappointing the narcissist.
Like any narcissist, the narcissistic mother engages in triangulation manufacturing triangles among her children and even their peers. She destructively compares her children to their peers, teaching them that they fall short in terms of looks, personality, obedient behavior, and accomplishments.
Exaggerated victimhood is a common feature of narcissistic grandiosity. Narcissistic personalities often feel victimized because of their unrealistic expectations, hypersensitivity, and lack of empathy. Narcissists also play the victim to elicit sympathy and avoid responsibility for their abusive behavior.
Neglectful. Narcissistic mothers often neglect their children emotionally and may not be there for them when they need emotional support. They may also neglect their children's basic needs such as food, water, shelter, clothing, etc. because they are too busy thinking about themselves and what they want.
For example, a narcissist might offer an insincere apology to get something in return. They might apologize to make themselves out in a victim position or to repair the damage that's been done to their image. There are narcissists who don't apologize for their actions.
A narcissistic mother may feel entitled or self-important, seek admiration from others, believe she is above others, lack empathy, exploit her children, put others down, experience hypersensitivity to criticism, believe she deserves special treatment, and worst of all, maybe naïve to the damage she is causing.
A narcissistic mother might display traits like a lack of empathy, a constant need for admiration, and a tendency to belittle or manipulate her children. She may also neglect her child's needs, be overly controlling or critical, and use guilt or conditional love to maintain control.
They'll likely lash out in anger.
In response, they'll often fly into a narcissistic rage. It's totally unfair to you that they're acting this way, so try not to take it personally. Protect yourself by keeping your distance from this person. They might yell or call you names.
Sometimes, parents target a child for abuse because the child is hyperactive, has a disability, or displays personality traits the parent doesn't like. More likely than not, though, Egeland says, there is no logical explanation.
The consequences of an insecure attachment style are far-reaching. Children of narcissistic mothers often have a greater risk of developing mental health problems, have more difficulties building and maintaining healthy relationships in adulthood, and have deep fears of rejection and abandonment.
The Secretly Mean: The secretly mean mother does not want others to know that she is abusive to her children. She will have a public self and a private self, which are quite different. These mothers can be kind and loving in public but are abusive and cruel at home.
Since the scapegoat child is only tolerated when they bear the faults of the parent with NPD, they can grow up with a distorted view of relationships and love as only conditional or transactional. Gravitating toward partners with narcissistic behaviors.
Narcissists often use money as a tool for punishment. They may reward you financially when you do what they want, and then withhold money when they feel vindictive. This can feel unsafe, degrading and confusing.
Parents who are high in narcissism tend to assign roles to their children including "golden child," "scapegoat," and "lost child." A narcissist's "lost child" may be physically and emotionally neglected.
A child who is scapegoated by a malignantly narcissistic parent actually has no 'parent' in the true sense of the word. He faces an adversary where biology tells him to expect an ally. More insidiously, a child is prone to believe their parent's cruelty is their fault.
In an NPD family, The Lost Child just doesn't seem to matter to the narcissist, and avoids conflict by keeping a low profile. They are not perceived as a threat or a good source of supply, but they are usually victim of neglect and emotional abuse.