To start the forgiveness process, first acknowledge your pain and the specific hurt, allowing yourself to grieve, then understand the other person's perspective (everyone is flawed), and finally choose to let go of the negative control, which might involve talking to a trusted person or counselor to help process anger and resentment, as it's a gradual journey, not a quick fix.
The Six Steps of Forgiveness:
Forgiveness has four stages: hate, hurt, heal, come together. (This model was inspired by Louis Smedes' book, “Forgive and Forget.” I've reordered Smedes' words, and I've changed my understanding of what each phase of the process means.)
Identify what needs healing and who you want to forgive. Join a support group or see a counselor. Acknowledge your emotions about the harm done to you, recognize how those emotions affect your behavior, and work to release them. Choose to forgive the person who's offended you.
7 Steps of Forgiveness
Additionally, we can live out the Golden Rule by forgiving others as we would like to be forgiven. This means letting go of grudges and resentment, extending a hand of reconciliation, and seeking restoration in relationships.
Unforgiveness is usually a result of ungodly pride and self-righteousness. Unforgiveness is often the sin that's committed against those we're the closest to and dearest to us. There's the sayings “Familiarity breeds contempt” & “Why do we always hurt the ones we love.” Unforgiveness is often a family sin.
The hardest person to forgive is your younger self. It's easier to extend grace to people who hurt us than it is to look back and forgive the person we used to be.
One of the signs of forgiveness is being able to have neutral thoughts about the person and dropping the grudge. It's important to note that this doesn't mean forgetting what happened or condoning the behavior that caused the harm.
Here's how.
The highest form of forgiveness is to realise that the other committed a mistake out of ignorance and having a sense of compassion for them.
How to Let Go and Forgive
The 'Four R's' is an easy way to remember how we can get this right: reflect – stop and think about the situation. regret – give a sincere and meaningful apology. reason – if you know, explain why something has happened or not happened and if you don't know, say that you will find out.
Allow yourself the space to fully experience and process your feelings without judgment. For example, if you're grieving the end of a relationship, take time to reflect on the memories and emotions tied to it. Journaling or speaking with someone you trust can help you unpack these emotions and begin to heal.
To truly walk in forgiveness when wronged, we must follow our Father's example and not think about their sin and definitely not talk about it. That's how we “Heave it, Leave it, and Don't Retrieve it.” We don't think about it, and we don't talk about it.
Resentment and bitterness are emotional responses that often arise from a sense of being wronged, mistreated, or unappreciated. These feelings can accumulate over time, particularly if they are not addressed or resolved. Resentment often stems from unmet expectations, perceived injustices, or feelings of powerlessness.
Forgiveness doesn't require the end of anger. Forgiveness requires letting go of hatred and the desire to annihilate the other person. Anger can remain because anger tells the truth about the harm.
When asked those questions, I usually responded by saying, “If you feel the Spirit—when you pray, read the scriptures, teach, testify, or at any other time—then that is your witness that you have been forgiven or, alternatively, that the cleansing process is taking place, for the Spirit cannot dwell in an unholy ...
There are situations when it's OK not to forgive someone. Here are just a few examples: You're still feeling the effects of their actions or experiencing PTSD because of how you were treated (particularly for childhood abuse).
pitiless remorseless revengeful uncompassionate unkind unsympathetic.
Those four steps are Responsibility, Remorse, Restoration, and Renewal – also known as the “4 Rs.” If you can honestly and genuinely make your way through these four steps, you are well on your way to forgiving yourself.
Chronic anger puts you into a fight-or-flight mode, which results in numerous changes in heart rate, blood pressure and immune response. Those changes, then, increase the risk of depression, heart disease and diabetes, among other conditions. Forgiveness, however, calms stress levels, leading to improved health.
But if we don't learn to forgive in our hearts, the problem only grows into resentment, bitterness, and anger. These are the fruit of unforgiveness and are heart positions that can inhibit the Holy Spirit from working through us.
Unforgiveness will produce bitterness.
And bitterness can be directly traced to the failure to forgive. It makes you caustic, sarcastic, condemning and nasty. Harassed by the memories of what you can't forgive, your thoughts become malignant toward others, and your whole view of life becomes distorted.