Connect with One Another. If you are starting to notice the walls building between you and your partner, an option is to try and reconnect in a gradual manner. Take a moment to put the troubling situations on pause and go do something that you both enjoy.
When a relationship's foundation of trust is broken, it can be difficult to rebuild. It may help to address stonewalling and other forms of emotional abuse before they become toxic patterns that destroy relationships.
Stonewalling is about disconnecting emotionally from a relationship or situation and putting up barriers to your partner. It is a huge communication issue that appears in relationships and is, according to Dr John Gottman, a reliable predictor of divorce.
While a break will only lasts an hour or two, stonewalling can last for days or weeks. This behavior is unhealthy for both partners as it creates a sense of distance and emotional disconnection. Gottmann explains “The physical sensations of feeling flooded (by stress hormones and negative emotions) . . .
Stonewalling Maybe Rooted In Trauma
Any time someone in the relationship has difficulty expressing their feelings, they may resort to stonewalling. People stonewall to avoid conflict, and to calm themselves. In some cases, stonewalling is a trauma response.
Stonewalling and gaslighting are both tactics to prevent healthy conversations and can cause a lot of pain, but the intent behind them is quite different. “Stonewalling is actually a learned defense mechanism that might stem from an unpleasant emotional or physical reaction someone has experienced in the past.
John Gottman, a marriage therapist who did extensive research on stonewalling in partnerships, found men often react to disagreements with more signs of physiological stress than women do, and thus, they have been shown to be more likely to stonewall than women, often in an attempt to remain neutral or avoid conflict.
Acknowledge that the only way a stonewaller's patterns will change is if they are willing to change them. If you're the only one willing to work on the relationship, reconsider it. Aggressive stonewallers sometimes act like victims to protect themselves.
Dealing with stonewalling is straightforward and direct. Both need to call a "time-out" stop the interaction and separate for 20 minutes. The stonewaller can say, "I'm feeling flooded, and I need to calm down. I will return." If the partner becomes aware of their partner's flooding, they can also call a time-out.
Stonewalling is, well, what it sounds like. In a discussion or argument, the listener withdraws from the interaction, shutting down and closing themselves off from the speaker because they are feeling overwhelmed or physiologically flooded. Metaphorically speaking, they build a wall between them and their partner.
Stonewalling can be a form of gaslighting when it is used intentionally to make people question their reality. Gaslighting involves causing other people to doubt themselves and their experiences. Being ignored can leave you feeling powerless and useless.
How Emotional Stonewalling Can Be Damaging. Emotional stonewalling can have serious consequences for relationships. It creates feelings of isolation, neglect, and frustration in the affected partner. It also makes it difficult to communicate effectively.
Stonewalling may be a defense mechanism for someone who feels overwhelmed by the conversation or situation they find themselves in. It may also be a “way out” of dealing with relationship challenges that the person does not want to face. In some cases, it may be a way of manipulating or punishing a partner.
If they choose to give us the silent treatment then it's up to them, not you. By establishing boundaries, enforcing consequences if necessary, sharing emotions with others, and speaking up for yourself; you will take away their power, thus protecting yourself from the narcissist's silent treatment.
Stonewalling, which happens when someone stops communication altogether, is one of the most toxic forms of passive-aggressive behaviors, says Manly. It's also a leading predictor of divorce.
The “stonewaller” personality is the behavior of an individual who tends to shut down during an argument and refuses to communicate or even cooperate. This person is emotionally closed off, and at times it could be extremely hard to reach them.
Lead with empathy
Instead of pointing out your partner's bad behavior, or something that they did wrong, express your emotions and try to see things from their point of view. Try to start an empathetic dialogue with your partner so that you can talk through the conflict or problem together as a team.
The silent treatment, also known as stonewalling, is when a "listener withdraws from an interaction, refusing to participate or engage, essentially becoming unresponsive," explains John Gottman, world-renowned psychological researcher.