Getting back to "normal" after losing your parents involves validating your intense grief, prioritizing self-care (routine, rest, nutrition, exercise), leaning on supportive people (friends, family, therapists, support groups), honoring your parents' memories, and accepting that you'll change, allowing yourself to "dose" your grief and adjust to a new reality, as healing is a gradual process with waves of emotion.
Coping With Loss
It's common for the grief process to take a year or longer. Grief most often gets less intense over time, but the sense of loss can last for decades. Certain events, mementos or memories can bring back strong emotions, that usually last for a short time.
Most people lose their first parent in middle adulthood, often between ages 40 and 60, with common peak ages around 50-54 for mothers and slightly earlier for fathers, though it varies widely by individual health, socioeconomic factors, and life expectancy, with some losing a parent as early as their 20s or teens. By age 50, over half of people in the U.S. have lost at least one parent, and by age 64, almost 90% have lost one or both, according to U.S. Census Bureau data from 2021.
The 40-day period holds spiritual and cultural meaning in many traditions, often symbolizing a time of reflection, remembrance, and honoring the soul's journey. Emotions during this time may shift—from initial shock to deeper sorrow or quiet acceptance—as the reality of the loss settles in.
The hardest deaths to grieve often involve a child, a spouse/life partner, or a loss due to suicide or homicide, as these challenge fundamental beliefs about life's order, shatter primary support systems, or add layers of trauma, guilt, and unanswered questions, leading to potentially complicated grief. However, grief is deeply personal, and the "hardest" loss is ultimately the one that feels most significant to the individual.
Most of us agree that the second year can be harder than the first.
"70/30 parenting" refers to a child custody arrangement where one parent has the child for about 70% of the time (the primary parent) and the other parent has them for 30% (often weekends and some mid-week time), creating a stable "home base" while allowing the non-primary parent significant, meaningful involvement, but it also requires strong communication and coordination to manage schedules, school events, and disagreements effectively.
When you lose your parents, of course, things are going to change. They brought you into this world and when they've left this world but you're still here, you're going to feel out of place like you never have before.
Signs and symptoms of complicated grief may include: Intense sorrow, pain and rumination over the loss of your loved one. Focus on little else but your loved one's death. Extreme focus on reminders of the loved one or excessive avoidance of reminders.
See our 10 tips for things you shouldn't do after they've died:
The "3 Cs of Grief" for adults are Choose, Connect, Communicate, a framework to actively manage loss by choosing helpful actions, connecting with supportive people, and communicating needs. For children, the 3 Cs are often Cause, Catch, and Care, addressing their deep-seated fears about what caused the death, if they can "catch" it, and if they are safe and cared for. Both frameworks offer simple, actionable ways to navigate grief's confusion and find healing.
The following tips may give you some ideas about what to do in your "grief time":
In this regard, several studies have revealed a variety of mental health issues resulting from parental loss, such as depression, anxiety, PTSD, externalizing and internalizing problems, psychoactive substance use disorder (PAS), and other schizoid, psychotic, and personality symptoms [6](Guillén et al., 2013).
When grieving, don't suppress emotions, isolate yourself, rush the process, or use substances to numb pain; instead, allow yourself to feel, stay connected with supportive people, and seek professional help if needed, as grief has no timeline and everyone experiences it uniquely. Avoid platitudes like "everything happens for a reason" or "they're in a better place," and don't make major decisions too soon. Focus on self-care, even if it's basic, and accept that grief is messy, not linear.
The 7-7-7 rule is a parenting technique that involves dedicating seven minutes in the morning, seven minutes after school, and seven minutes before bedtime to connect with your child. This approach fosters a deeper, more nurturing relationship. It also creates a more supportive family environment.
There's no single "hardest" age, but research and parent consensus often point to middle school years (around 12-14) for peaking stress, due to hormonal changes, identity formation, and increased emotional complexity, while some polls highlight age 8 as tough due to early puberty and asserting independence, and others cite toddler years (2-4) for constant supervision and defiance. The hardest age depends on a child's temperament and the parent's style, but the shift from physical toddler needs to complex emotional/social teenage issues creates intense challenges.
One helpful framework for guiding your precious child through the early years of his or her development is the “Four C's of Positive Parenting”: Care, Consistency, Choices, and Consequences. These principles provide a roadmap for nurturing confident, emotionally healthy children.
For some, these cognitive challenges might last a few weeks to a few months, while for others, they could persist for a year or more. The severity and duration depend on various factors, including the individual's overall mental and physical health, the nature of the loss, and the support systems in place.
Most people lose their first parent in middle adulthood, often between ages 40 and 60, with common peak ages around 50-54 for mothers and slightly earlier for fathers, though it varies widely by individual health, socioeconomic factors, and life expectancy, with some losing a parent as early as their 20s or teens. By age 50, over half of people in the U.S. have lost at least one parent, and by age 64, almost 90% have lost one or both, according to U.S. Census Bureau data from 2021.
Takeaways. As challenging as it may be, the best way to handle difficult feelings, including sadness and grief, is to embrace them. It is important to allow yourself to cry if you feel like it. Make sure to take the time and find a safe space to cry if you need to.
Personality changes like being more irritable, less patient, or no longer having the tolerance for other people's “small” problems. Forgetfulness, trouble concentrating and focusing. Becoming more isolated, either by choice or circumstances. Feeling like an outcast.
Accepting the reality of death involves acknowledging its inevitability as a natural part of life, which paradoxically frees you to live more fully and meaningfully by focusing on the present and your legacy, often through open conversations, mindful practices, planning ahead, and finding personal meaning through faith, service, or philosophical understanding. It's a journey, not a single event, that helps reduce fear and anxiety by embracing mortality and focusing on living well now, notes Remembering A Life and The Art of Dying Well.
The five stages – denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance – are often talked about as if they happen in order, moving from one stage to the other.