Grief doesn't completely "go away" like a temporary illness, but its intense pain evolves, becoming less frequent and more manageable as you grow around it, integrating the memory into your life rather than erasing the loss; you learn to live with it and find joy again, though reminders can still bring sadness, transforming your life but not erasing the connection. It's a gradual, individual process with no set timeline, and while the acute shock lessens, the love and the impact of the person remain part of you.
Lois Tonkin's 'Growing around Grief' metaphor is a helpful way of thinking about how long grief lasts. The grief doesn't ever completely go away, and sometimes the feelings can be as intense as when someone first died. But in time the painful feelings come less often and your life starts to be filled with other things.
Although the intensity of your feelings may lessen over time, there is no timetable for how long you will grieve. There are not set stages of grief. The length of time is different for each person. For most people their mourning period is a long process and it can take years.
No. There is no time limit. Everyone grieves differently. If it takes you longer than others, then that's OK. It all depends on how much emotion you can handle, and how willing you are to enter catharsis. As long as you're working on your grief actively, I think that progress will be made until it's all done.
For some, denial or anger is the hardest while others may struggle with bargaining. Depression, however, often lasts the longest and someone is most at risk of experiencing prolonged, destructive grief during this phase.
When grieving, don't suppress emotions, isolate yourself, rush the process, or use substances to numb pain; instead, allow yourself to feel, stay connected with supportive people, and seek professional help if needed, as grief has no timeline and everyone experiences it uniquely. Avoid platitudes like "everything happens for a reason" or "they're in a better place," and don't make major decisions too soon. Focus on self-care, even if it's basic, and accept that grief is messy, not linear.
Here are some ideas to keep in mind:
"When Grief and Loss Won't Shut Up" is not just a book—it's a heartfelt invitation to explore your grief authentically, holding space for both love and loss. It's an offering of hope, extending a hand to guide you through the journey that grief demands of us all.
The 2-2-2 relationship rule is a guideline for couples to keep their bond strong and fresh by scheduling regular, dedicated time together: a date night every two weeks, a weekend getaway every two months, and a week-long vacation every two years, which helps prioritize connection, break routine, and create lasting memories. It's a framework to ensure consistent quality time, even with busy schedules, to prevent boredom and strengthen partnership.
HOW GRIEF CHANGES US FOR NOW: Changes in sleep, eating, and overall energy. Personality changes like being more irritable, less patient, or no longer having the tolerance for other people's “small” problems. Forgetfulness, trouble concentrating and focusing.
Working through the grief process and allowing it to run its natural course is what needs to happen in order for a person to truly realize that he/she can be happy again. For some people, it takes a long time to get to the stage of grief that involves hope and a willingness to be happy again.
The following tips may give you some ideas about what to do in your "grief time":
When your spouse dies, avoid making major financial/life decisions (like selling the house or giving away heirlooms), telling certain companies (banks, utilities) too soon (consult an attorney first!), giving in to pressure from family, suppressing your grief (express feelings), and rushing to cancel subscriptions or services until you understand the estate's legal implications. Focus on self-care, seek support (counseling), and get professional legal/financial advice before acting on major issues.
People often ask me, "Will my grief ever end?" The answer is yes, but it will most likely change you forever, and it's going to take time. I know that's the last thing you want to hear, but it's the truth. Losing someone you care about changes you fundamentally.
The 40-day period holds spiritual and cultural meaning in many traditions, often symbolizing a time of reflection, remembrance, and honoring the soul's journey. Emotions during this time may shift—from initial shock to deeper sorrow or quiet acceptance—as the reality of the loss settles in.
Psychotherapy. Complicated grief is often treated with a type of psychotherapy called complicated grief therapy. It's similar to psychotherapy techniques used for depression and PTSD, but it's specifically for complicated grief. This treatment can be effective when done individually or in a group format.
1. Lack of Honesty. Often when we think of honesty, notably honesty in marital relationships, we think of a very tangible “where were you last night” kind of honesty. While this is obviously critically important, there are many other kinds of dishonesty that can destroy marriages.
The 777 rule for marriage is a relationship guideline to keep couples connected by scheduling specific, regular quality time: a date night every 7 days, a night away (getaway) every 7 weeks, and a romantic holiday every 7 months, often without kids, to foster intimacy, reduce stress, and prevent routine from overtaking the relationship. It's about consistent, intentional efforts to prioritize the partnership.
While Jesus makes it plain that divorce and remarriage without biblical grounds is sinfully adulterous (Matt. 19:9; cf. 1 Cor. 7:10–11), he also acknowledges that those who are divorced are truly divorced (not still married in God's eyes) and those who have remarried are truly married.
The hardest deaths to grieve often involve a child, a spouse/life partner, or a loss due to suicide or homicide, as these challenge fundamental beliefs about life's order, shatter primary support systems, or add layers of trauma, guilt, and unanswered questions, leading to potentially complicated grief. However, grief is deeply personal, and the "hardest" loss is ultimately the one that feels most significant to the individual.
When grieving, don't suppress emotions, isolate yourself, rush the process, or use substances to numb pain; instead, allow yourself to feel, stay connected with supportive people, and seek professional help if needed, as grief has no timeline and everyone experiences it uniquely. Avoid platitudes like "everything happens for a reason" or "they're in a better place," and don't make major decisions too soon. Focus on self-care, even if it's basic, and accept that grief is messy, not linear.
Take care of yourself, accept offers of help from those around you, and be sure to get counseling if you need it. “We believe grief is a form of love and it needs to find a place in your life after you lose someone close,” Shear says.
5 Healthy Ways to Cope With Grief
Most people are able to resume life's activities and the pain lessens within a year after the loss; however, some individuals experience an extension of the standard grieving process and find seeking individual grief therapy helpful. Be patient. Grief reactions come and go, and can show up over many months and years.
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