Yes, narcissists often use polyamory or consensual non-monogamy (CNM) as a tool for emotional abuse, boundary violation, and securing constant attention/validation, masking infidelity or exploitation behind the language of open relationships, even though true polyamory requires the ethics (honesty, boundaries, communication) they lack. They exploit the openness to pursue many partners while potentially restricting their primary partner, creating lopsided power dynamics and using polyamorous terms as shields for selfish behavior, not genuine connection.
Specifically, they choose partners who are attractive, high in social status, and prone to returning admiration but not intimacy: The partners often serve as trophies, attesting to the narcissist's desired status (Campbell, 1999, Seidman et al., 2019).
Individuals in polyamorous relationships are more likely to identify as bisexual or pansexual than heterosexual. A 2016 study showed that only half of all American millennials want a completely monogamous relationship.
As a Harvard-trained psychologist, I've found that there are seven phrases you'll hear from highly narcissistic people:
Cowpoking happens when a polyamorous person dates someone who dates monogamy-preferring people (or people who are ``open to non-monogamy''). Happily non-monogamous people don't cowpoke; we wouldn't want a partner who had no other partners. This is a problem that comes from crossing the relationship structure streams.
The "100 mile rule" is a term some polyamorous people use to describe an agreement where partners can engage with new romantic or sexual partners only when traveling outside of a 100-mile radius from home.
Rushing into it before your partner is ready, failing to set and adhere to boundaries, and not paying attention to your partner's feelings in the process are all huge red flags. An important thing to remember is that being polyamorous is not the same as being single.
The number one trait of a narcissist is often considered a grandiose sense of self-importance (grandiosity) combined with a profound lack of empathy, where they see others as tools for their own gain and have an inflated, often unrealistic, view of their own superiority, needing constant admiration without acknowledging others' feelings or needs, as highlighted by HelpGuide.org and The Hart Centre. This core creates other behaviors like entitlement, manipulation, and arrogance, making them believe they deserve special treatment.
A narcissist's apology is usually fake, manipulative, and lacks genuine remorse, focusing on shifting blame, avoiding responsibility, and regaining control rather than acknowledging wrongdoing, often using phrases like "I'm sorry if you were offended" or "I'm sorry but you started it," leaving the recipient feeling worse and unheard. They lack empathy and accountability, using these "fauxpologies" to disarm criticism, preserve their ego, and quickly move past conflict to get what they want.
The "3 E's of Narcissism" refer to three core traits often seen in individuals with narcissistic tendencies: Empathy impairment, a profound lack of understanding or sharing of others' feelings; Entitlement, a belief they deserve special treatment and admiration; and Exploitation, using others for personal gain without guilt. These characteristics highlight how narcissists often struggle to connect emotionally, feel superior, and manipulate people to meet their own needs.
But there are serious challenges as well: Polyamorous relationships demand openness, consent, trust, communication skills, clear boundaries, and mutual respect. Feelings of jealousy may arise, especially when a new partner joins the relationship, and debates over how to raise children can also disrupt connections.
But it does provide some rough guidelines as to how soon may be too soon to make long-term commitments and how long may be too long to stick with a relationship. Each of the three numbers—three, six, and nine—stands for the month that a different common stage of a relationship tends to end.
How long did all these relationships last? The primaries, an average of eight years, the secondaries, five years—but 20 percent had been together a decade or longer.
Narcissistic traits often peak in late adolescence and early adulthood (around ages 14-23), particularly with grandiosity and entitlement, as individuals seek identity and status, but then tend to decline as people mature and face life's realities, though some individuals with NPD may see intensification in these years before a potential mellowing in middle age.
Narcissists are attracted to dynamic and appealing partners, individuals who appear as if they have high self-esteem but who also have a "pocket" or two of low self-esteem.
6 Signs You Were Raised by a Narcissist
Narcissists do not handle challenges or threats to their superior and grandiose self-image (also known as narcissistic injury) well. Narcissists often have an intense need for control and power, and any direct challenge to their dominance may provoke them and lead to more aggressive behavior or retaliation.
They'll act as though nothing has changed, but deep down they'll feel the shift. Then comes the rage—subtle or explosive. They may accuse you of being cold, ungrateful, or heartless, because to them, your indifference feels like rejection, and rejection is their greatest wound.
Like other forms of psychological abuse and emotional abuse, it can lead to anxiety, depression, and post-traumatic stress disorder. Victims may also struggle with regulating emotions, leading to mood swings, anger outbursts, or emotional numbness as a result of these mental health issues.
Spotting An Overt Narcissist
Based on some overlapping symptoms, borderline personality disorder (BPD) and narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) are two mental health disorders that are often mistaken for one another.
Malignant narcissism is considered by many to be the most severe type. 2 That's why it helps to recognize when you have someone with this condition in your life and what to expect from interactions with them. This knowledge can also provide insight into how to deal with them in the healthiest way possible.
What is a Cowgirl? The colloquial term for a monogamous female who intentionally gets into relationships with males who are in polyamorous relationships. The female gets into these relationships with the goal of extracting the male from his other partners and securing him in a monogamous relationship.
The 5-5-5 rule in marriage is a mindfulness and communication tool that encourages couples to pause and ask themselves: Will this matter in 5 minutes, 5 days, or 5 years? It's designed to help de-escalate conflict and shift focus to what truly matters.
If you think your relationship might be unhealthy or you aren't sure, take a look below to find several common warning signs in unhealthy relationships.