And like a tired, cranky 3-year-old, the end result is a massive (and unpleasant) tantrum. "Narcissists often control people through these tantrums because their rage can be so worrisome or downright frightening that everyone gives in to them," says Durvasula.
The angry outburst of a narcissist is like a two-year-old temper tantrum. It appears out of nowhere, creates an unnecessary scene, and shocks others into inaction. It is the ultimate in selfish behavior as everything immediately becomes about them and what they want.
While a therapist would call it narcissistic rage, you might call it a narcissistic tantrum when the person in your life throws a fit very much like a two-year-old. Whatever you choose to call them, these tantrums happen when a narcissist feels challenged, embarrassed, or powerless.
Examples of narcissistic rage range from intense outbursts and sudden fits of anger, to passive-aggressive acts such as simmering resentment, icy silence, deliberate neglect, or cutting sarcasm.
Narcissistic rage is often the “go-to” response for narcissists who feel threatened or attacked by others in some way. All this may include sudden, intense outbursts of anger that can involve verbal threats, aggression, and violence.
A narcissist can become easily enraged if a setback occurs in their life, job, or relationship. Not getting their way results in both a loss of control and a bruised ego. In these situations, they may lash out with rage to either deflect from the conflict or regain a sense of authority.
Arguing with a narcissist can be frustrating and exhausting — you may start to feel overwhelmed or upset and need to take a break. Be warned — it's possible that the narcissist might "make fun of you, minimize you, may even accuse you of being weak or walking away from a fight," Durvasula says.
Your tears also put the spotlight on you, which is unacceptable for a narcissist. Another reason your tears may anger the narcissist is the fact that they may feel controlled by your tears. After all, they often use their own tears to manipulate and control others.
"Narcissistic rage" is a term that was first used by psychoanalyst Heinz Kohut in 1972. Narcissistic rage can take the form of extreme open aggression in the form of screaming, shouting, and violence. It can also take the form of passive-aggressiveness, with the narcissist finding ways of sneakily causing you pain.
If there's one thing narcissists hate, it's being told what to do. When you push them into a situation where they have to answer to someone else, it's like their own personal hell. Figure out a way where you can get the narcissist in your life to be underneath an authority figure to really watch them squirm.
The most effective weapon to fend off narcissists is self-love. When you love yourself, it is more difficult for the narcissist to manipulate you and get under your skin. It will hurt them to know that you do not need them, that you are better off without them, and that you love yourself exactly as you are.
Narcissists are often angry and aggressive when they feel disappointed or frustrated. If they believe their child is being critical or defiant, they can lash out. These reactions can manifest as screaming, sudden bouts of rage or, in more severe cases, physical violence.
Ramani Durvasula, a psychologist and licensed therapist, wants anyone who is in a narcissistic relationship to stop saying one phrase: "You make me feel." It's a way of expressing yourself that has many permutations, like 'when you say that, you make me feel guilty,' or 'when you do that, you make me feel angry.
In narcissists' efforts to avoid blame, they often combine several fake apologies at once, such as, “I am sorry if I said anything to offend you, but I have strong opinions. Maybe you're too sensitive,” or, “I guess I should tell you I am sorry. But you know I would never deliberately hurt you.
People on the narcissism spectrum — from those with narcissistic traits to those with diagnosed narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) — may have an intense desire to win arguments, as it helps keep their ego intact. At times, it may seem as though they'll accomplish this by any means necessary.
A monumental weakness in the narcissist is the failure to look internally and flesh out what needs to be worked on. Then, of course, the next step is to spend time improving. The narcissist sabotages any possibility of looking deep within.
Type As can also be dangerous to narcissists
Although they can be targeted, type A people can also become a narcissist's worst nightmare. One of the most important defenses against dark personalities is having strong boundaries yourself, and type A people are usually aware they have the right to build them.
Narcissists get offended very easily
Despite this, a narcissist's own feelings can be hurt very easily. Because of their high sensitivity, any small thing their partner does can be seen as an attack, and any situation where they are not their partner's focus is very difficult for them.
Although they appear to have extreme confidence, people with NPD often have a fragile self-esteem and a deep sense of insecurity, inadequacy and vulnerability. They may feel depressed and moody because they fall short of perfection.
While the narcissist may always seem to be angry with you, they are actually angry with the world. The anger is directed at you because they can't turn the anger inwards because that would confirm their fears that they are flawed. Anger at you is a deflection to avoid anger at themselves and their actions.
They get jealous about everything
They talk a good game, but narcissists actually have very low self-esteem. Low self-worth/confidence/esteem is at the core of a narcissism. This low sense of self naturally makes it extremely easy for them to become jealous – very jealous.