Time heals all wounds, or so the saying goes, but new research indicates that it takes a lot longer than you'd think to mend a broken heart. There's a well-known theory that after half the length of a relationship passes, you'll be good as new (in other words, if you dated for a year, you'll be fine in 6 months).
In short: yes — as long as both people in the relationship want it to. “Space can heal a relationship,” explains Jason Polk, a licensed clinical social worker and couples therapist in Denver, Colorado, “especially if the couple is currently toxic or verbally abusive to each other.”
Studies suggest that most people start to feel better around three months post-breakup. One study, which evaluated 155 undergraduates who'd been through breakups in the last six months, found that 71 percent start to feel significantly better around the 11-week mark, or around three months.
Relationships break down, but fixing them isn't impossible.
When communication and connection break down, it takes knowing both yourself and your partner to make the meaningful changes needed to turn things around. Like so many things, working on our romantic relationships can be difficult.
Healing while in a relationship can happen whether that's friendship, dating, situationships, or relationships. It just depends on how aware you are of the behaviors that are holding you back. You can't keep doing the same things and expecting a different result.
'” The exact temporal parameters can vary from couple to couple, but 3 weeks apart is a good baseline to set. Why three weeks? “You need about a week to let your body and mind adjust to not being around someone that you've been in a relationship with,” says Farrell.
Yes, toxic relationships can change. But that comes with a very big if. A toxic relationship can change if and only if both partners are equally committed to overcoming it with lots of open communication, honesty, self-reflection, and possibly professional help, individually and together.
Staying silent can also help you feel empowered. You're taking charge and showing your ex that you're capable of and willing to live life without them. Whether you're the one who was hurt or the one who ended it, cutting off communication after a breakup puts you in control.
The death of a future you imagined for yourself with your ex, one that you probably imagined together, can be one of the most difficult things to come to terms with after a break-up. It makes your present that much harder to get through (see above). It's OK to mourn and grieve the loss of that future.
“Women tend to recover faster because they know how attached they are to their partners, so the shock isn't as great,” says Brown. “The pain is still there, to be sure, but it typically doesn't last as long because women intuitively know what the magnitude of the loss will be if things don't work out.”
Every healthy relationship needs space from time to time. Giving ourselves space that is separate from our relationship allows us to still maintain individuality. Having physical space or uninterrupted time to ourselves allows us to pay closer attention to our emotions.
Although ending a relationship can be painful, a separation can give a couple space to work on personal issues that have been harming the relationship. 'It can help individuals reassess their priorities, helping them to know more about what they would like to get out of a relationship,' says Fredrickson.
In the most fundamental sense, taking a break means that you and your partner haven't officially broken up, but you've decided to take some time off from each other and your relationship. It's also key to keep in mind that taking a break doesn't have to equal a breakup.
After all, when someone has been a toxic relationship partner, it's doubtful that he or she will be that great of a friend. Reality check: Toxic ex-partners may not miss you, but they sure do miss what you provided for them.
Accepting what you deserve
We fall back into toxic, old relationships because we fail to embrace the fact that we deserve to be as happy and fulfilled as anyone else. If we truly want to thrive, we have to radically accept the life and love we deserve; moving confidently forward rather than backward.
The prime factor that helps decide whether a toxic relationship is worth saving is if both the partners are ready to alter their ways. If only one partner is invested in creating healthy patterns, there is very little probability that the relationship will mend ways.
A relationship may be beyond repair if there is significant damage or a lack of respect. The easiest way to determine if this is so is to look for signs and patterns – changes in behavior that indicate that your relationship may be beyond repair.
Kelly says the 'point of no return' is when one person in the relationship are 'numb' to their partner's behaviour and 'no longer cares'. 'The other wants to save it but it will be too late for their partner,' the therapist wanted. 'Most won't go back once this line has been crossed.
If neither of you feels like discussing your problems and trying to fix things — like, ever — then that's a big red flag your relationship is about to end. It means you've both given up and just can't be bothered doing what it takes to save your love from ruin. One of you is stifling or controlling the other.
“I try and go by the 6-month rule, which says that for most of us to fully heal, it usually takes around 6 months for every year we are with someone,” Peacock says. For example: If you were with someone for 1 year, it would take 6 months to get over the breakup.
"A break could be any length of time, but past a point, it becomes a 'breakup,'" says Dr. Steinberg. "If you don't want it to be considered a 'breakup,' then the break shouldn't be more than a season, or three months long."
Don't: Communicate During a Break
And in turn, it's natural to keep going back to this person. But you need this break to clear your mind and reflect. Having regular communication or even checking in with your partner will only muddy things up.