Yes, people with Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) can exhibit controlling behaviors in relationships, often stemming from intense fear of abandonment, deep-seated insecurity, and difficulty with emotional regulation, leading them to try and control partners to prevent perceived rejection or instability, which can manifest as possessiveness, jealousy, or manipulative tactics like love bombing. While these actions can feel manipulative or controlling to others, they are usually desperate coping mechanisms for overwhelming internal pain, not malicious intent, and healthy, fulfilling relationships are possible with treatment and effort.
If you or your partner has BPD, it is possible to have a fulfilling relationship, although you will have more challenges than the average couple. Couples counseling and individual counseling can greatly improve your chances of being in the relationship that you want.
When the person with BPD feels abandoned, they can become abusive or controlling as a way to defend against feelings of abandonment or feeling unworthy. Often, the trail of destruction can adversely impact the relationship, causing the relationship to end pre-prematurely.
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relationships and a restricted range of emotional expression in interpersonal settings. research and practice evidenceiv also demonstrate that people with borderline PD are more likely to experience impairments in their expressive language (communicating their message verbally).
In fact, there is evidence that romantic relationships of those with BPD are characterized by anxiety and distrust (Bouchard & Sabourin, 2009; Miano, Fertuck, Roepke, & Dziobek, 2016), low levels of satisfaction, high levels of distress, and frequent breakups and reunions (Bouchard, Sabourin, Lussier, & Villeneuve, ...
Do not tell people with BPD how they should be feeling or behaving. Anger in people with BPD may represent one side of their feelings which can rapidly reverse so keeping this point in mind can help avoid taking the anger personally.
BPD splitting destroys relationships because the behaviour can be impulsive or reckless in order to alleviate the pain, often hurting loved ones in the process. It can feel like everyone abandons or hurts them, often causing them to look for evidence, and creating problems from nothing.
Conflicts and disagreements are difficult for people with BPD, as they interpret these as signals of uncaring or relationship termination, generating feelings of anger and shame.
Some couples stay together for years, while others find the relationship too volatile to sustain. The BPD relationship cycle is a recurring sequence of emotional highs and lows that can repeat many times unless both partners seek support.
Unstable and intense personal relationships, marked by alternating idealization and devaluation. Persistently unstable sense of self. Risky, potentially self-damaging impulsivity in at least two areas (e.g., substance abuse, reckless behavior, sex, spending). Recurrent self-mutilation or suicidal threats or behavior.
Psychotic symptoms in BPD can include paranoia, auditory hallucinations, visual distortions, and severe dissociative episodes. Relationship conflicts and abandonment fears commonly trigger psychotic episodes in people with BPD.
Due to heightened emotional sensitivity, small issues can escalate quickly, and the individual with BPD may fear rejection or abandonment, even in a seemingly stable relationship. BPD can lead to emotional swings, causing a person to idealize their partner one moment and feel hurt or angry the next.
Unstable and tumultuous relationships are another red flag, characterized by alternating extremes of idealization and devaluation of others. A chronic fear of abandonment, whether real or imagined, often leads to frantic efforts to avoid being alone.
The "3 C's of BPD" typically refer to advice for loved ones of someone with Borderline Personality Disorder, reminding them: "I didn't cause it, I can't cure it, I can't control it," to help set boundaries and avoid taking on undue responsibility for the person's actions or illness. Another set of "C's" describes core BPD traits for individuals: Clinginess (fear of abandonment), Conflict (intense relationships/moods), and Confusion (unstable self-image).
Individuals with BPD can form meaningful and loving relationships with the right treatment and effort. Understanding and patience from partners, family, and friends, along with professional help, can significantly improve their chances of having successful relationships.
People with borderline personality disorder have a strong fear of abandonment or being left alone. Even though they want to have loving and lasting relationships, the fear of being abandoned often leads to mood swings and anger. It also leads to impulsiveness and self-injury that may push others away.
Manipulation in the context of BPD isn't usually calculated or malicious. It's often driven by deep emotional pain and fear. For example, quiet BPD and manipulation might involve avoiding conflict or withdrawing to avoid being hurt, while still hoping someone will notice their distress and offer support.
The BPD love-hate cycle, also known as idealization and devaluation, involves rapidly shifting between intense admiration and deep dislike for someone, driven by profound fear of abandonment and emotional dysregulation, creating a push-pull pattern of closeness followed by rejection, often fueled by "splitting" (seeing people as all good or all bad). This rollercoaster of intense highs and lows leaves partners confused and can lead to chaotic, painful relationship dynamics.
People with BPD may experience rage when they perceive rejection, neglect, or abandonment in a relationship. During rage, a person may say or do things that they later regret. This could lead to ending the relationship in the heat of the moment. BPD rage is often followed by significant regret and shame.
Splitting is a thinking pattern where things feel extreme. When someone is splitting, they may see everything as all good or all bad, perfect or terrible. They may love or hate something with no in between. People with BPD, including those with quiet BPD, often struggle to see the gray area in situations.
People with BPD may yell, break things, lash out at loved ones, or direct their anger inward through self-harm [2]. Once the outburst passes, they often feel deep regret, guilt, or sadness, creating a painful cycle that damages relationships and self-esteem and can be tricky to break.
While not all people with BPD lie, BPD and lying can run the risk of weakening trust and placing a relationship in jeopardy, since it's a mental health condition often marked by emotional volatility, negative self-perception and unhealthy attachment styles, a partner with BPD may not even realize they're behaving this ...
They may lie in an attempt to explain why they behaved in a specific manner. When a person has big emotions and expresses them in ways that are considered “over the top” or “crazy” as compared to most other people, the person with BPD may lie to try to provide an explanation that matches the intensity of the feeling.
But there are lots of positive things you can do to support them: