People-pleasing is not the same as genuine kindness; being kind is a form of self-expression. People-pleasing is a fundamentally dependent behavior and can backfire. However, helping others with the expectation of getting something back is a contract.
The people pleaser personality type is desperate to feel important and needed. Their lack of self worth, confidence and self-belief, makes it almost impossible for them to set and maintain healthy boundaries with others.
People who like to please are frequently drawn to people who like to control others. Pleasers have certain personality characteristics that are developed in childhood. They are often perfectionists who were influenced by very demanding parental expectations and/or criticism.
Kind people also value close relationships – but they treat all people with mutual respect. However, they do not feel “obligated” to be kind. People pleasing, on the other hand, is devoid of choice.
Causes of people-pleasing
Low self-esteem: People who feel they are worth less than others may feel their needs are unimportant. They may advocate for themselves less or have less awareness of what they want. They may also feel that they have no purpose if they cannot help others.
People-pleasers tend to be good at tuning in to what others are feeling. They are also generally empathetic, thoughtful, and caring. These positive qualities may also come with a poor self-image, need to take control, or tendency to overachieve.
But according to Sasha Heinz, PhD, a developmental psychologist and life coach, there's another price to people-pleasing: It's a form of manipulation. This doesn't mean we shouldn't be nice and helpful and friendly.
However, excessive people pleasing has the potential for numerous negative consequences. They may experience fear of rejection and disappointing others, have low self-esteem, difficulty making independent decisions, and difficulty setting healthy boundaries.
While people pleasing or “being too nice” could be seen as a sign of someone who is a really good person and cares for others, their ability to bend backwards for other people, not say no and struggle to have boundaries with others can actually be a big red flag and cause issues in a relationship in the long term if ...
A people pleaser is someone who tries hard to make others happy. They will often go out of their way to please someone, even if it means taking their own valuable time or resources away from them. People pleasers often act out of insecurity and a lack of self-esteem.
A major people-pleaser may dodge your concerns, fabricate, and even gaslight you.
Being a people-pleaser may be more than a personality trait; it could be a response to serious trauma.
People-pleasers emit insecurity, a lack of confidence, and come across as weak and needy. And it's often patently obvious that someone is engaging in people-pleasing behavior.
People pleasing isn't a mental illness, but it can be an issue that adversely affects how many people, with or without mental illness, relate to others. Most of all, people pleasers try to nourish other people without adequately nourishing themselves.
People pleasing is also a form of deception, both with yourself as well as with others. Though not conscious or intentional, attempting to try to get people to like you, approve of you or stop wanting something from you often requires pretending or lying. People pleasing is all about dishonesty.
It is not. The neglect of others (narcissism) is selfish and causes unnecessary distance, confrontation and lack of intimacy. The neglect of self (people pleasing) creates unwanted exhaustion, increased anxiety and also contributes to a lack of intimacy.
It is a natural human instinct to want to please others and to present oneself at one's best. It is, in fact, a very positive quality to consider others' feelings and be emotionally intelligent.
You are genuinely compassionate
This is the most common cause behind being a people-pleaser. It is great to be a genuine person who has a lot of empathy for others. It means you care deeply about everyone around you. Usually if you fall into this category, you find that you are not taking care of YOU.
Insecurity: People-pleasers worry about what others think of them and they think if they can go above and beyond to please a person, they will be liked. Low Self-Esteem: Thanks to a lack of self-confidence, people-pleasers often work to get external validation.
People-pleasers are often taken advantage of as a result of their “other-focused” mindset. If you're constantly worried about the comfort, welfare, and success of others, then you begin to neglect your own. There's also a sense of desperation in this, or a least what others assume to be desperation.
Your people-pleasing behaviors are primarily an avoidance tactic intended to protect you from your fears of anger, conflict, and confrontation. These fears don't actually diminish; they intensify as long as the avoidance pattern persists!
People-pleasers often have low self esteem because they may ignore their own needs to help others. According to Black and Pearlman (1997), this can result in anxiety, frustration and depression. To build self esteem, people-pleasers need to restore the balance between self care and helping others.
If you don't want to do something, say 'no' and mean it. Instead of beating around the bush, use the actual word — again, 'no' isn't inherently rude or mean. It's honest, it's assertive, and it's the word you must be comfortable with in order to defend your time. True friends understand the need for space sometimes.
These people-pleaser personalities are often those who are generous with time and energy. They are loyal and conscientious. As such, they are givers. Often to an extreme.