People-pleasing is not the same as genuine kindness; being kind is a form of self-expression. People-pleasing is a fundamentally dependent behavior and can backfire. However, helping others with the expectation of getting something back is a contract.
The tendency to please is related to Dependent Personality Disorder. While the people-pleaser may not need others to do things for them, they do have a need for others, regardless. The pleasing personality is also related to the Masochistic Personality type, which also corresponds with Dependent Personality.
“Today, I'm highlighting some key differences between people-pleasing and just doing something nice.” In the post, Tran starts by highlighting that people-pleasers often want people to approve of what they are doing, whereas those who are being nice don't worry about being accepted or recognised for what they're doing.
Signs You Might Be a People-Pleaser
You are preoccupied with what other people might think. You feel guilty when you do tell people "no." You fear that turning people down will make them think you are mean or selfish. You agree to things you don't like or do things you don't want to do.
People-pleasing is sometimes referred to as the “fawning” trauma response because it's so closely associated with overly-appeasing behaviors and cycles of codependency.
It is a natural human instinct to want to please others and to present oneself at one's best. It is, in fact, a very positive quality to consider others' feelings and be emotionally intelligent.
People-pleasing usually comes from a place of insecurity and those who behave this way often feel that if they do, others will value them and accept them.
Elevating the narcissist. The narcissist also feels validated and approved in a relationship with a people-pleaser. The more he is elevated in the eyes of the people-pleaser, the more his ego and narcissism thrives.
It is not. The neglect of others (narcissism) is selfish and causes unnecessary distance, confrontation and lack of intimacy. The neglect of self (people pleasing) creates unwanted exhaustion, increased anxiety and also contributes to a lack of intimacy.
People Pleasing as a Form of Control
People pleasing is tricky because you think you're being a giver, but really it's a form of manipulation. Yep, manipulation because you're trying to get something in return. You're attached to (and trying to control) the outcome.
synonyms for eager to please
accommodating. willing. agreeable. amiable.
People-pleasers are often extremely empathic and attuned to others' needs. A people-pleaser therefore tends to pursue intimate, affectionate, and confiding relationships. These people have a strong desire for external validation and avoid, or are sensitive to, situations where conflict may arise.
In most cases, people-pleasing behavior is motivated by insecurity and low self-esteem caused by trauma bonds in childhood. People who were neglected, mistreated, or abused by their caregivers tried to please them in the hope of receiving attention and better treatment.
You are genuinely compassionate
This is the most common cause behind being a people-pleaser. It is great to be a genuine person who has a lot of empathy for others. It means you care deeply about everyone around you. Usually if you fall into this category, you find that you are not taking care of YOU.
Constant people-pleasing behavior can lead to: Lack of self-care. Constantly devoting yourself to meeting the needs of others can cause you to neglect your own. You may find yourself getting sick or mentally burned out from the pressure of trying to please everyone.
Cons of People Pleasing
They are prone to be exploited and manipulated by others. They assume others will do the same for them and experience disappointment and resentment when this is not the case. Mental fatigue and burnout occur due to working too hard and constantly assessing the needs and opinions of others.
People Pleasers spend so much time and effort in taking care of others. Unfortunately, they often do not establish good social support for themselves. They also find it hard to give up control and let other people take care of them. While taking care of others in noble and rewarding, it can also be toxic and unhealthy.
“When you're dating a people pleaser, you may find that they don't want to take any responsibility for decisions or parttake in decision-making processes alone,” says Ryan. “This can be due to fear of getting it wrong, not pleasing the other person or ultimately rejection if they don't quite get the planning 'right'.”
It's not exactly easy to stop people-pleasing behavior. Studies show that it's hard to disagree with others because it elevates your cognitive dissonance, a distortion between your values and the actions you want to take.
We are to please him first, and he is the only one we are to worship. Jesus is the way as we look to pleasing people and God: “And Jesus grew in wisdom and stature, and in favor with God and man” (Luke 2:52). The Son of God grew in wisdom and pleased God first—then he grew in favor with man.
Narcissism demands to be fed and people pleasers are the best source. Contrary to the outward appearance of self-reliance, determination, and independence, narcissists internally crave approval from others. They need a constant daily supply of attention, admiration, and affection.
People-pleasers often have low self esteem because they may ignore their own needs to help others. According to Black and Pearlman (1997), this can result in anxiety, frustration and depression. To build self esteem, people-pleasers need to restore the balance between self care and helping others.
People-pleasing is frequently at the root of perfectionism because without feedback from others about how smart, pretty, organized, and practically perfect in every way they are, then who are they?