Having confidence in what you believe is essential in business. However, when someone gets defensive about their idea or point of view, it is usually a clear sign of insecurity. Defensiveness occurs if we know we aren't comfortable with what we are saying or doing.
If you want to become less defensive in your most important relationships, it's important to understand how defensiveness actually works. In almost all cases, defensiveness is the result of emotional insecurity and fear.
Insecure people often use criticism of others as a way to feel better about themselves. See, people who are insecure consistently feel bad about themselves. And often, they don't know how to feel better in a healthy or productive way. So they often resort to criticizing others.
Perhaps the most fundamental difference is that arrogance often masks insecurity. That's why arrogant people are boastful about their achievements and abilities while tending to demean others. Confidence, on the other hand, stems from true self-worth: a belief and pride in your achievements and abilities.
A person who feels insecure may suffer from an inferiority complex, which makes them believe they will never be good enough to be loved or wanted. Others may exhibit controlling or manipulative behavior.
Toxic people are often insecure people. They tend to make themselves feel or seem better than others by talking badly about them rather than taking concrete actions to develop their skills. Toxic people feel entitled to judge others, their actions, decisions, and lifestyles.
They are overly concerned about what others think of them. They never express a firm opinion. They suffer from a chronic inability to make decisions, even when the choices have little consequence. They frequently try to change the direction of projects and meetings.
Insecure people feel a constant need to validate their worth through others' opinions. They try to seek others' approval over their personality or work. They look for likes, comments and compliments from people and only feel happy when others acknowledge them.
You talk too much, except for when you don't
“Talking too much, or not talking at all, is a telltale sign of insecurity,” says Wood. “Insecure people are self-focused rather than connection-focused, so they don't pick on normal conversational cues.
The main reason people lie is low self-esteem. They want to impress, please, and tell someone what they think they want to hear. For example, insecure teenagers often lie to gain social acceptance. Here, parents should emphasize to their children the consequences of lying.
Insecurity may stem from a traumatic event, crisis such as divorce or bankruptcy, or a loss. It can also result from one's environment, as unpredictability or upset in daily life can cause anxiety and insecurity about ordinary, routine events.
They criticize others for their own mistakes
That's one of the defense mechanisms they adapt as human beings. Because in their minds, they feel that if they shift the blame on others, they can feel better about themselves. However, shifting the blame is not healthy and will make them feel worse in the end.
Causes of Defensiveness
Feeling like others don't care enough about you. Being afraid of rejection. Having low self-esteem. Lacking confidence.
Research from 2020 suggested that people use defensiveness to give themselves a break when they do something wrong. A person may become defensive because they're: misrepresenting or forgetting what occurred. deflecting blame onto others.
A defensive person can be someone with Narcissistic Personality Disorder. It can also be someone that is a regular victim of emotional abuse that is constantly criticized. A defensive person can also be someone that has low self-esteem or that has a difficult time listening to criticisms about themself.
The fear of being socially judged is one of the most common forms of insecurity. Some people feel self-conscious, anxious, and fearful when in front of others. It doesn't matter whether it's a group of colleagues or family members. This can extend to even the smallest of social encounters like a date.
“Some of the most common insecurities and relationships include emotional insecurity, attachment insecurity, physical insecurity, financial insecurity, professional insecurity, and social insecurity,” explains LaTonya P.
Signs of Insecurity in Relationships
Feeling jealous of all the other people in their life and resenting the other people they are close to. Not taking your partner at their word and wanting to verify everything they tell you. Feeling like your partner may break up with you at any time.
Narcissists are insecure because they have a deep-seated need for validation and attention from others. They often try to overcompensate for this insecurity by seeking power and control over others… and constantly seeking confirmation of their own self-importance.
People with insecure or anxious attachment styles may also experience jealousy in their relationships. For example, you might view other people as a threat to your relationship, or worry excessively about your partner's feelings for you.
Anxious Pre- Occupied, Avoidant, Fearful are insecure personality types. Anxious Pre- Occupied can be the most expressive in their behavior when they feel real or imagined that they are going to be abandoned. The Avoidant type can come across as independent, confident, needing and wanting their space and autonomy.
Insecurity and anxiety can lead to controlling behavior. Instead of using healthy coping skills, controlling people want to control the world around them in an attempt to feel better. Often, controlling behavior is the result of a mental condition that causes a person to have abnormal social expectations.